another green room

I like to be in control of things. It makes me nervous to have other people do things for me, especially when it comes to Tommy doing them. So, when I came home today and found him in the baby's room with a paint brush in his hand you can imagine my reaction. What are you doing? Do you know what you are doing? I thought you were going to wait until my mom could help you?

His prompt response (in a deep, manly, and kind of silly voice) was: "I'm a man. I can do things on my own. Let me paint my daughter's room."

Something about hearing him say "my daughter" made my heart melt and I forgot all about the lack of control I have over the situation. This whole pregnancy thing has forced me to be a little more chilled out about things. I guess that is just a lesson I needed to learn sooner or later...

dumpling has a name

This will be a short post, but I wanted to update the blog world on what we found out today. We can now call Lil Dumpling, Lucy!!! Yep, it's a girl. It's a girl. Wow. It still has not sunk in. It was a busy day of shopping and trying not not fall down on the icy parking lots. We are so excited. Tommy had a huge grin on his face all day. I totally cried during the ultrasound. She was a little stubborn and did not give us a good look at her face or her heart. She looked up for a second then put her head right back down. I turned to Tommy and said, "She's just like her momma, a bit stubborn." The tech tried bouncing my belly all around to get her to move her head, but she just having none of it. She had her arm behind her head and was just comfy where she was. We did get a real good shot of her girly bits or lack there of. The ultrasound technician all of a sudden said, "Oh, it's definitely a girl." That when I lost it. I'm having the little girl that I have always wanted. Someone to share my collection of Barbie Dolls with. Someone to make little bracelets and necklaces for. Oh, and the clothes and the shoes. Tommy mumbled something about boys coming over and good thing he has guns. Yeah, he's that kind of redneck guy. Anyway, we are just thrilled. Dr. K said that everything that they could see looked good. She wants me to have another ultrasound at our next appointment on January 21st. They want to have a better look at her heart and the face. Hopefully she will be a little more cooperative at that appointment. I do not regret one bit finding out. It put a smile on my face and made the holiday blahs go away a little.

Merry Christmas to all!!!

holiday blahs

I have not been myself lately. My sinus infection finally went away after almost two weeks and I was thankful for that. For a few days I felt a little better. Now I just feel, blah. Physically I'm tired and I don't want to do anything. I'm still a little congested and my emotions are all over the place. I just feel like hiding away and not talking to anyone. Tommy is still working midnights and when he is home he is pretty much sleeping. Normally he is able to be his silly self and make me feel better. He is not so much able to do that when he is not here.

Tuesday we have our anatomy ultrasound and next OB appointment. Hopefully that will be enough to get me out of this funk. Tommy and I were talking tonight before he left for work about the appointment. He said that he is so excited to find out the sex of the baby. I would have to agree. I'm very anxious to get another peek at what is going on inside of my tummy. What a wonderful Christmas present to find out if Dumpling is a boy or a girl. I honestly have not had a feeling one way or another. Well, actually this last week I have been thinking girl. Either way, we will be happy. I'm just praying for a healthy baby. Tuesday we also get to pick up our crib. Hopefully in the next few weeks the baby's room will be painted so we can get things in place instead of the middle of the room.

Tommy asked me tonight if I wanted him to go off midnights. I told him to just do whatever he needed to. Hopefully after the first of the year work will pick up for him and he will be able to go back to his regular shift. Until then I will do my best to plug away and stay on top of things the best I can.

16 weeks, almost

Tomorrow I will be 16 weeks into my pregnancy. I feel like I have gotten over a huge hurdle and I am so thankful for that. We had our second appointment with Dr. K the day before Thanksgiving. It went really well. She found Lil Dumpling's heartbeat right away with the doppler. It was a very welcome sound to our ears. We just looked at one another and smiled. According to their scales I had gained a pound since the last appointment. She said that I must be doing something right. I laughed and told her that it's because I'm not eating very much. She answered a few questions for me and she said that she would see us again in 4 weeks. At that appointment we will have our anatomy ultrasound. That means we will get to find out if Lil Dumpling is a boy or girl. We are 99% sure we are going to find out. I am so anxious to get a look at our little miracle again.

As for what our Dumpling will be called once we know the sex, we have made a decision on that. If Dumpling is a girl she will be Lucy Ella. I knew I wanted to name my daughter Lucy even before I was pregnant last time. The middle name Ella comes somewhat from my dad's mom. Her name was Luella. If Dumpling is a boy he will be named Jay Thomas. Jay is my dad's name and Thomas is actually Tommy's middle name. So, there you have it. I have been holding them in, but we are both pretty set on them so I thought it was time to share with everyone else.

I have been fighting a cold/sinus infection pretty much since Thanksgiving. On Friday I finally called my OB to see what they suggested I do. They gave me a prescription and I'm really hoping it starts to work soon. I'm at the point where I really don't have much of a voice. At least I can partially breathe through my nose now. Oh, the wonders of the pregnant body. So much fun! Tonight I finally got our tree up and the lights on it. Maybe tomorrow night I will have the energy to put on the ornaments.

Well, I guess I should wrap up this all over the place post and get Tommy up for work. Yeah, another week of midnights.

13 weeks- embracing the belly

Since I have a bit of a baby belly I thought I would post a picture. I'm still negative on the weight gain and I still don't have much of an appetite to speak of. Tonight was the first time in a long time that I have actually been hungry and ate a nice big supper. I'm still not complaining about feeling sick though. I'll suffer through it if it means that everything is okay with Lil Dumpling. We are very anxious to get through our next Dr's appointment. I think I will be a little less edgy after that.

12 weeks 1 day

I'm almost at the end of the first trimester. Hopefully that means I will be feeling better soon. I have been sleeping a little better. I accredit that mostly to the Snoogle. My awesome mom got one for me a few weeks ago. It took me no time at all to fall asleep that first night. All night I don't think I moved a muscle. Barbie is not so sure about the new addition to our sleeping arrangements. She can't get as close to me as she normally does. For that same reason Tommy is not so fond of the pillow either. For me though it is totally worth it.

Another comfort item that I have added to my daily routine is maternity pants. Ah, yes the large expanding waistband. Love it! Although to date I have still only lost weight my body is slowly changing and I even have a little bit of a baby belly (as one of my co-workers so kindly pointed out a few weeks ago.) Tommy and I hit a major sale one day and I bought some work pants. I had them altered and viola my work wardrobe is comfortable again.

Tommy has been so supportive these past few weeks when I've been feeling not up to par. He has been cooking a lot of our meals. This week he is back on afternoons so I guess that means I'm back to fending for myself. That wouldn't be so bad if I actually had an appetite. When it is time to eat I stand in the kitchen and almost cry (actually did cry one night) because nothing at all sounds good or even looks appetizing. Sure there are those times when I get so hungry that I need food NOW. Most of the time, especially in the morning, I have to force myself to eat. I guess this is just all part of the miracle of creating life. I just want to be as healthy as possible for my baby.

As I end this trimester I have been thinking a lot about my last pregnancy. At this point last time I had no idea anything was wrong. No idea that the child I carried in my womb was no longer alive. For that reason I have not been able to rest easy with any little cramp or pain I feel. The other night as I tried to fall asleep I was having some pain in my right side. I cried and told Tommy that I can't go through "that" again. All I can do for now is rest in the fact that God is in control and wait for my next appointment for some reassurance. I still think of the child we lost on a daily basis. I'm guessing that will continue for some time. The pain is easier, but still there and still VERY real...

may 25th(ish) 2009

I think I'm in trouble. Little dumpling is shaping up to be like it's dad: can't sit still. I finally had my first OB appointment today at 10 weeks. I was super nervous on the way to Springfield this morning. My stomach was more upset than normal. Once I got in the office I was better though. I just knew that everything was alright. A peace just came over me. They got me in right away and before I knew it I was sitting there with my gown on waiting for Dr. K. She is such a gentle woman. She did my exam and tried to find dumpling's heartbeat with the Doppler, but couldn't. The nerves came back a little, but not as much as I thought they would. I had prepared myself for that. She said that since baby is still so tiny and I have a tilted uterus, or whatever it is called, that the heartbeat can be difficult to hear. She had her ultrasound tech do a "quick" ultrasound so that we would all feel better. I practically hugged her when she said they would do that.

The tech found the baby right way and before long there was the little flicker that I have now have no problems finding on my own. The kid was moving around like crazy. It was so incredible. If only I had a video to share with you all. This tiny little being inside me that is only around a half inch was dancing around. The little arms are only about the size of a "1" but there it was moving around to let mom and dad know that things are okay. I had tears streaming down my face. I didn't expect to see movement like that. I'm so thankful I did and that Tommy was there to witness it as well. We decided that it was worth it for him to take the day off.

She gave me a due date of May 25th. Now if I can just make it through the rest of this first trimester I will feel more at ease.

burnt plastic

Today after work I decided to be ambitious and make some homemade chicken soup. I figured it would be something that would not make me sick. I got the pot on the stove and started to wash up some dishes. A few seconds later I smelled something hot. I turned around to see smoke rolling out from under my coffee pot that was on the back burner of the stove. Why a coffee pot on the stove you ask? Well, I have a tiny kitchen and since we have been giving said kitchen a bit of a face lift I have things stored on every inch of space I can find. So, in my haste to get the soup going I turned on the WRONG burner. Yep, I melted the bottom of my coffee pot to my ceramic cook-top stove. The smell was horrendous. I opened the windows and aired the house out. The smell is still lingering as I type this post. I'm not sure how I managed to turn the wrong burner on. I guess I can blame it on the pregnancy right? I'm just glad that I'm not a daily coffee drinker. Of course I did just buy some decaf. I guess I can add a coffee pot to my wish list.

Today was supposed to be my first Dr.'s appointment. Well, around 8:30 I got a call that my Dr. is sick and she had to cancel her appointments for the day. Now I have to wait until the 28Th. I guess I was just really hoping to get the reassurance that everything is okay.

Last week I was on vacation and I didn't do much of anything. I'm not sleeping very well at night so during the day I rest when I can. It was nice to be home and not really having anything looming over my head to do. I did manage to work on some jewelry pieces done. Also my mom and I worked on sanding and painting the cabinets. On Friday I decided that I needed to go hang out with Kimberly. She is officially on maternity leave and just waiting for her little one to come into this big world. It was really nice to just spend some time with her and Josh. That was pretty much the highlight of my vacation. Now it is back to work and a daily routine. So I guess that means I need to think about trying to go to bed sometime soon.

a few of the things on my mind

I still can't believe that I'm pregnant.

This lack of appetite is really getting to me. Nothing sounds good. Food tastes different. I basically have to force myself to eat.

Sleeping has not been easy either. I'm tired all day, but I can't sleep at night.

I wish Tommy wasn't on afternoons this week.

I'm so thankful for my mom. She really helped to motivate me today and get some things accomplished around the house.

I get excited each time the phone rings thinking that it might be Kimberly letting me know that she's in labor. So excited to meet Baby Knight!

I still have 6 more days off until I have to go back to work.

When I go back to work on Monday I only have to work 1/2 day then I get to go see my Dr. for my first prenatal visit.

I'm very anxious about that visit.

I really need a haircut. Good thing I have an appointment this week.

I've been missing my high school friends and I wonder what they are up to.

Maybe I should "try" to go to bed now.

the most beautiful sound in the world

Yesterday I heard the most beautiful sound in the world, my baby's heartbeat. Let me back up a little. On September 17th I had a feeling and I took a test. To my absolute shock I passed. The reason I was so surprised is that Tommy and I had decided to not try last month. No more taking my temperature, no more ovulation predictor sticks, no more um... scheduling of things. Wow, can't believe I just wrote that but lets face it you all know what I'm talking about anyway. Well, like everyone has said, when you least expect it things will happen. I guess they were right.



I was cooking dinner that night and I asked Tommy to run to the local pharmacy to get me a box of tests. Now, I have been used to a certain test and even had a coupon for said brand but he came back with a generic version. I asked why. He said that he only had so much cash on him and did not have his debit card. He informed me that they took the coupon and he still had to borrow a dime from the cashier. I just laughed at what must have been going through the cashier's mind. "Poor guy got some girl in trouble and he can't even afford to buy a box of pregnancy test." I asked if he told her that we have bought countless boxes and have been at this for about a year and a half now? He didn't. Oh well. If I knew who she was I would be glad to pay her back for making my day. Well, I took the test right away. I laid it on the counter and I was pretty sure it would come up negative. I had no idea where I was in my cycle so I could be testing really early. Well much to my surprise two lines appeared right away. My mouth dropped to the sink in disbelief. I yelled for Tommy. He came in. I was speechless. "Look at this," I said. A big grin came across his face. He stood there for a few moments then said he had to leave the room because he was going to cry. I think I stood there for a few more minutes just sure that the lines would disappear. They didn't, matter of fact they are still there. The test I took the next morning and the next are still there as well. I did end up buying another box of tests because I was just sure that the generic brand was wrong. I'm so glad it wasn't.



On Friday morning I called my Dr. They wanted me to get some blood work done. Next thing I knew I was at my family Dr. getting blood drawn. They did not get back to me until the following Monday. That was the weekend we put a new roof on the house. I told Tommy that I had to tell my mom. I could not be around her all weekend and NOT say anything. I told her and my sister in law, Mindi. I had already called Kimberly as well (pretty much as soon as I saw the lines). All weekend I was so nervous. Monday came and they said that my levels were good and could I come up next week for an ultrasound? The next week drug by. I wished the weekend away. Any little pain or twinge freaked me out.



On Monday Tommy and I both took the day off. The entire way to Springfield I felt sick. They got us in right away and next thing I knew there was our little dumpling (Tommy's nickname for baby) on the screen. So tiny but there. The technician thought she saw a flicker of a heartbeat but with baby being so small she could not be sure. I told myself that was to be expected and didn't mean anything. The technician consulted my Dr. and informed me that everything looked good and they would like to see me again in a week for another ultrasound. Another week of development should bring about a stronger more noticeable heartbeat. So I waited through another week and wished away another weekend.



Fast forward to yesterday. Again I took the day off. This time my mom took the day off with me instead of Tommy. I hated to not have him there, but we kind of need money to pay for the Dr. bills so off to work he went. The technician called me back right away. It didn't take long at all for the little dumpling to show up. Right away I recognized the flicker of the heartbeat. She poked around and measured and finally switched the machine so my mom and I could hear the heartbeat. I totally teared up. It was such a welcome sound to my ears. She measured a few more things and she was done. She consulted my Dr. and another nurse came out and gave me an appointment card for my first prenatal visit on the 20th. I don't have an "official" due date yet. For now I'm just saying end of May around the 28th. Yesterday the baby measured at 6 weeks 5 days.

All of this has brought on a whirlwind of emotions. That is for another post though.


So there you have it. That pretty much wraps up the past few weeks for me. I guess I should add that I have not felt the best. Yes, there is the "morning" sickness but also I have been fighting a cold for a week now. Minor little bump in the road.



I'll end this really long post with a picture of our little dumpling. Doesn't look like much yet, but it's there and so is the heartbeat and that's all that matters to me at this point!

that time of year

It's that time of year again. It is cold outside and nice and cozy inside. Barbie curls up next to me to stay warm. When we go to bed at night she noses under the covers and makes her way to the bottom of the bed and sleeps there for most of the night. In the morning she stays curled up on the bed while I get ready. So many mornings I just want to stay in bed curled up right next to her. Barbie has been such a comfort to me in the past few months. She is my little buddy. I'm thankful for her companionship.

shingles and such

Wow, it has been a long time since I last posted. Things have been a little more busy around here than normal. At the end of the day I have not had the energy to put into blogging.

Tommy and I went to Springfield, MO a few weekends ago. I wanted to be out of town for my "due date". We had a really good time just being together. While we were there we did some shopping and ate some good food. Tommy got to experience the Bass Pro Shops store for the first time. We manage to go there twice. It was so nice to be out of town and have my mind on things other than the fact that we were not getting to meet our little one face to face. When we got home that Sunday I told Tommy that I wasn't as emotional as I thought I would be. He just smiled and said I guess the trip worked then didn't it. Yes it did.

Last weekend my dad, our neighbor, Tommy, Jimmy and my brothers put a new roof on our house. That was a project that was long overdue. From day one of moving in here my dad, and our neighbor, said that the house needed a new roof. I was so nervous all weekend worried about rain. They worked all weekend long on it and the results are wonderful. Yesterday the truck full of shingles got taken to the dump. There are still a ton of small pieces in the driveway to be picked up. We'll get to them eventually. Our house looks so much better. I really didn't like the color of the old roof. I never even paid attention shingles before now. As I drive around now I find myself checking out the condition of other roofs in town. Yes, I lead an exciting life.

I must say that emotionally I'm doing much better than I have been in the last few months. I think that the chaos of everyday life has helped with that. For now we are just doing our best to stay positive. I think that Tommy and I have grown so much closer as a couple through the experience of losing a baby. I'm glad to have him by my side. I can't imagine having anyone else there...

28 short years ago

I showed this picture to Tommy this morning and he asked who took it. I told him I didn't know, but asked if he knew who it was. He studied it for a moment and said, "Well, I guess your mom but it really looks like you." I've been told that many times.

Twenty eight years ago at 6:45 p.m. I came into this world. I was even born on a Thursday. My mom looks so happy here finally able to hold her first born. Wow. What a feeling I'm sure. I look like I'm taking it all in with my little hand under my chin.

Today I have thought a lot about being a mom and the privilege it really is. I know how much I have grieved over the loss of our baby and how badly we want to be parents. It makes me appreciate my parents even more. Without their love and willingness to bring me into this world I would not be the person I am today. I am a better person because of them. My mom is always there for me. She was there for me last year on my birthday when my Dr. decided that he needed to do a lumbar puncture on me right then. She was also there for me on the darkest day, the day I found out there was no longer a heartbeat inside of me. My dad is always there as well, he is just much more quiet about his ways. If something goes wrong around the house I often don't turn to Tommy I want to know what dad thinks. I think this sometimes annoys Tommy. It's difficult to stop that habit though because my father is one of those guys who can fix everything. I'm lucky to have parents that have stayed together through it all and raised my brothers and I in a loving home. Thank you mom and dad for everything...

On another note, I now have the honor of sharing my birthday with my new niece. Tommy's sister had her this morning by C-section. He talked with her it sounds like everyone is doing great. I have even see a picture of her thanks to the technology of picture messaging! She is tiny any beautiful. We will be able to meet her in a few weeks. While I'm excited for their family, I also cried for about 15 minutes after he hung up the phone because I was sad. I have a feeling those "crying" moments are going to come and go as the next week gets here. I will push through and come out on top.

feather pillows

I finally made reservations for our "getaway" next weekend. I found a hotel that I was happy with and was going to book online. As I read through the website I noticed they were proud to offer down pillows. The only downfall of the place so far. I decided to call the hotel directly to book. Ashleigh was very nice and didn't laugh at me when I told her I need a pillow that was feather free. She said, "You mean like foam?" Yes, that would be great. Anything but feathers. I always take my own pillow, but just being around the other feather pillows is usually enough to set my allergies off and make me miserable. I do not want a repeat of our trip to Vegas last year. I had a really hard time enjoying myself all drugged up on allergy meds. Now that we have a place to sleep I can finally look forward to our weekend away! It is going to be a weekend for us to spend some much needed quality time together. We plan to visit the "original" Bass Pro store, eat, sleep, swim, shop and sleep some more. I think it will be good for us to spend some time away from home to regroup.

Next Friday is/was my due date. So hard to believe that I would be so close to holding my little one. I look back on the past several months and I really feel like the time has went by quickly. I'm doing better day by day. Everyone said I would. Most days I didn't believe them. I do not know what the future holds for us and I am trying hard to come to terms with that. We have started to talk about "what if" we are not going to have a baby. Now, I realize how this sounds, but it is a feeling that I have had most of my life. When I was younger I did not know if I ever wanted children. It was not until I met and fell in love with Tommy that I was 100% sure that I wanted children. Now the desire to be a mother often consumes my daily thoughts. Funny how life works? Like I have said before, I do not know what God has planned for us. I continue to have faith and know that His plans are perfect and in His time it will all work out, one way or another.

I want to take an opportunity to thank everyone who has been there for me throughout these past months. Your kind words both written and spoken have carried me through the dark days. No words can express the love I have felt from everyone. Some I have never even met face to face. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

frozen in time

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are completely frozen in time and can't move no matter how much you want to? You know you should be doing something, anything to help but you just have not idea what that might be? I had one of those moments yesterday. Let me back up a little bit.



My parents (my dad really) have been looking for an older Jeep to buy and fix up. They found one that fit the bill last week and my dad brought it home yesterday. Tommy and I decided that we would go check it out. My dad wanted me to take some pictures before he started any work and I was happy to oblige. I was really excited when we got there and saw that the Jeep was white. I have always wanted a Jeep especially a white one. Perhaps it is because of the movie Clueless. Anyway, I took a few pictures then we ate some dinner. Afterwards, Tommy and my dad went out to look under the hood to see if they could get it started. My mom and I walked around the yard looking at her flowers and once again looking for interesting insects for me to take pictures of. We didn't find anything. We headed back to the front of the house to see what the guys were up to. As we got to the driveway we heard the sound of the Jeep starting. We looked at each other in surprise. Wow, that didn't take long, I thought to myself.



Then it happened. It all happened so fast. I saw flames shoot out from underneath the hood and the next thing I knew my dad was on fire. ON FIRE. Oh, my gosh, my dad is on FIRE. His head was flaming as was his torso. I stood there on the sidewalk watching in horror not having a clue what to do. I had the D40 around my neck and part of me wanted to snap a picture, but I thought that was disturbing to take a picture of my dad burning. All I could think was that the Jeep was going to blow up with my husband still in it. You see Tommy was sitting in the driver's seat turning the key while my dad was under the hood putting gas in the carburetor. Tommy said he had no idea what was going on. He just heard my dad yell and knew something wasn't right. I hear my mom yell, "Roll on ground, Jay. Roll on the ground!!!!" I snapped back to reality and remembered, Stop. Drop. And Roll. My dad ran across the driveway and rolled on the ground. I remained right where I was motionless and about ready to throw up in my mom's flower bed. Tommy jumped out of the Jeep and my mom ran to get the hose to put out the flames under the hood. My dad, no longer flaming, yelled "You don't use water." He ran into the garage and got a tarp or something. The flames were out. Except for the ones that were now in the driveway. Tommy went over to stomp them out then his shoes caught fire. He said it wasn't but that's all I saw from the spot I was stuck to. On the sidewalk.



My dad went inside and my mom followed. I stood there for what seemed like forever then I just started to shake. What the heck had just happened? My dad's head was on fire. What? It was like something from a movie. I made sure Tommy was okay. My mom came back out and I asked how he was. She said that he was in the shower. "What should we do?", she asked. I just stood there and said I have no idea. I have seen that safety video at work so many times, yet I could not remember any of it. You never think you might actually have to use that information, right? We agreed that he needed to go to the ER. We went inside to see how he was. He said that he was fine and didn't need to go anywhere. He got some clean clothes and then came back out to the kitchen. I could see singed hair on the back of his head and his cheek was already peeling. He took a drink and I noticed his hand trembling. He looked at me and asked if I got pictures. I just kind of chuckled and told him that I didn't because I really didn't know what to do at the time. He laughed and sat down at the table. He started to put on his shoes. I knew he realized he needed to go to the ER.



He told us what had happened. When the engine started it backfired and the gas he was pouring in caught fire. It startled him so he jumped back and the gas in the cup he was holding spilled. This caused a chain reaction of fire. He chuckled and said that is why you don't use a whole gas can. As he smiled I could tell his cheek was already causing him pain as the skin pulled. He finished putting on his shoes and he and my mom left for the ER. They came back a little while later. The ER doctor had told him that he was very lucky and it looked to be just a superficial burn. They want him to follow up with his doctor on Monday. They gave him a salve to put on his face, ears and hands. Remarkably his shirt showed no signs of burn marks. It smelled horribly of gasoline, but no marks. Luckily he was able to put the fire out so quickly before caused any more damage to his skin.



Looking back, part of me wished I had taken a picture. I realize that sounds sick, but if you could see what I saw you would know that Someone had their hands on my father yesterday. Wow. Thank you God. I did get one picture as the flame flickered out under the hood. If you look closely to the bottom right of the photo you can see the flames in the driveway as well and you can see the reflection on my mom's car. Crazy. So, this is my moment where time froze and I had no idea what to do, what's yours?


My dad is doing okay today. My mom reports that his face looks dirty from burnt skin and his right ear has a blister on it the size of a grape. He has been sitting inside most of the day, but doesn't seem to be in much pain. As for the Jeep, it is resting inside the garage waiting for another day to be worked on...

a long overdue post

As I sit here on my front porch listening to the sound of the John Deere cut the grass for the second time this week, I can't help but smile. Tommy is so excited about his new lawn mower. I'll admit that I am as well. Our yard is starting to shape up. Now he will have more time to pull weeds and the other things that I have let go undone this summer. I can't even remember the last time I pulled weeds. My poor flower garden. The vegetable garden does not look much better. I guess it has been a combination of things that have distracted me from my normal garden routine. Lately it has been travel and beads that have kept me away.

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to have a "Lil' Moxey Jewelry" open house at a friend's. I took all of my beads over there and the "customers" picked out what they liked and told me what they wanted made. I came away feeling very overwhelmed and excited about the 30+ pieces I had to make. To date I only have a few said items completed. Tonight I finished one of the most time consuming necklaces I have ever done. I am really pleased with the way it turned out. Now I want to finish all my other orders so I can do more like that one just not as long.

This past weekend I had the chance to go see Kimberly and Sondra. We had a lots of laughs and did some damage to the bank accounts (at least I did). It was so nice to finally see Sondra in person. I don't really remember the first time I really had contact with her. I can remember her comments on Kimberly's blog and flickr. I always thought whoever that is seems really sweet. Well, I was right. She is just like I thought she would be, super awesome. When I woke up Saturday I was a little nervous. I felt like I was going on a blind date or something. I was a little worried that I would be like a third wheel or something (which is funny because Sondra blogged that she was worried that she would be a third wheel). Kimberly and Sondra had been planning to get together for a while and I just kind of somehow weaseled my way into their plans. Well, I'm so glad I was a little weasel. I foresee road trips in our future. There have even been talks of camping. Yeah. It was so good to just have some girl time. I was much overdue for that. Kimberly and Sondra have summed up our weekend so well so check out their blogs if you want to know more about it.

I came away from the trip feeling refreshed but also sad. I was sad to be leaving my good friends after only a day. I wish we lived closer. Good thing we have the Internet to keep us in close contact. I was also sad because I got to feel Baby Knight move. I chose to put my hand on Kimberly's belly. I wanted to. She is my bestest friend and I am beyond excited/happy for her and Josh. But it is so hard to not be sad at the same exact time. Ugh. Why can I not just be happy? Why do I have to constantly think about myself? Yeah, it's normal and blah, blah, blah but I don't like feeling this way.

When I got home from my trip north Tommy and I headed South in my dad's truck to go look for/buy a new lawn mower. It was long over due. We got the one he had been looking at on the Internet and headed back home. On the way I had a emotional meltdown. Lots of things on my mind. The emotions of the weekend had gotten to me and there are some other things that I will write more about later. I cried for about 10 minutes and finally calmed down. We take the country way for most of the trip. Tommy kept asking if I wanted to stop and take pictures of the wildflowers. (Insert shoulder shrugs and "I don't cares.") he finally pulled over and I was able to get a few shots. That cheered me up a little. Taking pictures definitely takes me to that happy place. I like to pretend that I work for National Geographic (dream of mine) or Discovery. Not that I am anywhere near talented enough or have nice enough equipment for that, but that is not the point is it? It is all about what makes us smile. And I like smiling.

So that is what I have been up to lately. Now I need some help from all of you out there. I would really like to plan a trip for Tommy and I. I have tossed around several ideas. They range from Southern IL-Rend Lake area (Karen any suggestions?), Nashville, Pensacola, FL or pretty much anywhere else within driving distance. I just feel like we need to get away for a little vacation and some time together. I welcome any and all ideas. Thanks.

scene from the Moxey house tonight

Tommy: Are you sitting in your bead room on the computer?
Me: Yep!
Tommy: Great, I'll never see you again now that you have a laptop.
Me: Don't be so dramatic.
Tommy: You'll be in here making a necklace and chatting with Kimberly at the same time.
Me: You never know.
Tommy: It's called multi-tasking.

stormy weather make me think

It's storming tonight. We have not seen a storm like this in a while. It seemed to come out of nowhere. Isn't just how life is? The wind was blowing like crazy and the lightening and thunder was constant. Tommy was glued to the weather channel. I used to enjoy storms but now not so much. I told Tommy they were more exciting when I didn't have to worry about my house and everything in it. Funny how life changes as we get older.

I have been coping fairly well lately. Last week I had a few nights of crying but overall things are looking up. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my little one. As my "due date" gets even closer I find it difficult to not feel sad. I honestly thought I would be pregnant again at this point. It is so hard to not dwell on the fact that I am not. I worry that maybe the baby I lost will be the only one I will ever be blessed with. I do not know what God holds for my future and I am trying to be patient. That is a lesson I really struggle with. I feel like I have let Tommy down. I know he will be such an amazing father and I want so bad to give him that opportunity. As each day passes we grow closer and I appreciate him more. I thank God for bringing us together and I feel so blessed to be his wife. He loves me more than I ever imagined being loved. I know that I have been difficult to live with/understand for the past five months and he has been right there the entire time.

I still get the pitter-patter feelings when I'm around him. He makes me laugh and that has been so crucial to me getting through each day. I also appreciate him working so hard in this brutal heat. When his co-workers go home early because of the heat, he stays. I tell him over and over he does not have to do that, but he does. Hopefully the next few months will continue to improve. No matter what I know I have my best friend by my side.

Here is a poem that says a lot of what I am feeling right now. I came across it on this website. I can not even begin to imagine what this family is dealing with right now...

Please Be Gentle

By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and screamed repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

he says silly things even when he is awake

My cell phone rang (to the tune of Billy Joel's Piano Man) as I was leaving work today.

Me: Hello?
Tommy: Hey. How's my sugar plum that dances with fairies?
Me: You are crazy.
Tommy: I'm on my way home.
Me: Okay see you when you get here.
Tommy: Love you bye.
Me: Love you bye.

i'm the "big" sister

Tonight I went to my parents for a visit. Tommy is working afternoons and I just didn't want to be alone. My mom and I took a walk down the road, as is tradition after supper in the Armbruster household. It was a nice evening. I had my camera with me so I took a few shots along the way. After our walk, I wandered around her yard taking random pictures. I love taking pictures of pretty much anything. I'm not very good at it, but it just makes me happy. I did get up close and personal with some Japanese beetles which was pretty cool.

Being out in the yard brought back so many good childhood memories. My brothers and I used to have so much fun out there. We had the tree house, the sandbox, our bikes, our imaginations and so much more. Oh to be young again. Now we are all grown up with adult responsibilities. My brothers and I do not talk much anymore. We see one another on a pretty regular basis, but we just don't seem to connect much. I just hope that they know how proud I am of both of them and how much I love them. I would do anything for them. Hopefully as we grow older and have children (or more kids in Luke's case) we will grow close once again. No, we may not play "kick the can" or "toaster" anymore but they are still my little brothers and they mean the world to me. Seriously.

Well, this post did not go where I thought it would at all. Apparently my mind is going a million different ways. Perhaps it is time for bed?

I found this picture of us at Disney World. It was the early 90's. Yes, I'm wearing spandex bike shorts. This was pretty much my absolute favorite outfit that summer. I am also latched onto what might have been my first camera. It was a purple Minnie Mouse 110. Look how little Tony is! If I remember right it was his birthday the day we were there.

unexpected visitors: some good, some bad

This weekend I had an unexpected phone call from a friend I had not seen in a really long time. My friend Michelle called and said that she and her husband were going to be in town and would like to stop by. I met Michelle at Eastern when we were in grad school together. We had a lot of good times. It was nice to visit with her and Jestun. Unfortunately we didn't get to visit very long because Tommy and I had plans for the evening. Hopefully we can get together again soon.

It is always nice to reconnect in person. Emails and phone calls are nice, but seeing one another is so much better. I have not been very good about staying in contact with my friends near and far lately. I always think that I'm going to "be better about it" but that just does not happen. Honestly I think I have become somewhat of a hermit lately. Since I lost the baby I find myself just wanting to stay close to home. I guess I just want to feel sorry for myself and mope. I was pretty down this weekend (I had another unexpected/unwanted visitor on Saturday.) It was a good thing that I had plans for both Friday and Saturday nights. This prevented me from just sitting around the house crying. Apparently my body is still not ready. I guess I just have to be okay with that and be patient. Yeah, like I have much of that. I find myself in a much better mood after I get out and do something, anything. I suppose I just need to get my butt out of the house more. I can't change the past and dwelling on it is not doing me any good. I'm really looking forward to seeing Kimberly and Sondra in a few weekends! Hopefully that is enough to get me through the next few weeks.

sleepy silliness

Tommy is a sleep talker. Tonight I woke him up and had him go to bed. I went in and kissed him goodnight. Here is the conversation we had.

T: That was awesome.
J: What?
T: Our kiss.
J: Okay.
T: There should be a button for that that says, "Awesomeness".
J: A button for what?
T: Our kiss.
J: You mean like a button you wear.
T: Yeah.
J: What would you do with this button?
T: Wear it when you cook.
J: (laughing so hard at this point that I'm crying) Okay.

I started to walk out of the room and he calls me back.

T: Where are you going?
J: You are talking silly so I'm going to watch TV.
T: Well, scratch my back first.
J: Okay.

I scratched a few times and he fell back asleep. I love it that even in his sleep he makes me laugh.

I'll lend you my ear

Taken today at my grandma's.
There are days where I wake up and want nothing more than to shut off the alarm and stay in bed. Lately there have been more of those days. Today was one. My late night shopping trip wore me out. I remember those days at EIU when I was able to stay up until the wee hours finishing that paper or studying for that test I had put off until the last possible minute. I have fond memories of playing Tetris in lieu of studying. If I remember right, Kimberly may even have the evidence capture on VHS. I digress. I made it to work on time, somehow. Slowly I started my day deciding which chart to attack first. Oh the paperwork. Why must the state have so much paperwork? Why must we kill so many trees on a daily basis?

My morning was not all that bad. I left for lunch early so that I could get out and do an unexpected home visit. I was going to do it after my 2 already scheduled visits but decided to squeeze it in early. When I called to let them know I was coming early the son said, "Oh, bless you. I know you are busy. I really appreciate it." Ha. Just doing my job, sir. After that I went to see a client of mine that has been on our service since '96. Her home is aging with her and slowly falling apart. There are creatures large and small in there. I tried my best to not pay attention to the little dog licking my toes, but it was difficult to concentrate. She told me about her problems and I listened. We talked about her current service and add some things to help her out. As I was trying to leave she thanked me for everything we do for her and that she "doesn't know what she would do without the help." She gave me a hug (believe it or not she is shorter than me) and I told her she was welcome. My last client is what one would call a talker. I sat and listened to her stories and everything that has happened to her family lately: sickness, death, financial issues.

As I sat there I could not help but think that I am blessed. I have a job that allows me to go into homes of those who are in need. They have so many needs that I can not meet, but there is one thing I can do and that is to listen. How many people get to do that and get paid? Sure I ask them tons of questions and make them sign even more pieces of papers. Most of all though I listen and try my best to show them that I care about what it is they are going through and if there is any way at all I can help them out I will. My last client ran over a little and I didn't get back to work until after it was "quitting" time. Oh, well. If I made one person feel a little better today by letting some things out then I feel like I did my job. The paperwork can wait.

So, the moral of the story? When the alarm goes off and I don't want to get out of bed I'm going to try to remember days like today when I feel like I just might have mattered a little to someone out there. I know that I chose the right field. When I graduated high school 10 years ago I had no idea what Gerontology was. I never would imagine that I would some day earn my Masters degree in the field. God's hand was completely in this one.

I'll end my post with a picture of me showing off my rather large zucchini plants. Can you tell I'm proud of them?

warm weather and nothingness

I ran across this picture of a much younger me sporting my strawberry 'kini. Ah, those were the days...

It's been too long since my last blog. I wish I could say that I have been off on some amazing vacation but that would be a lie. My life has not been much different lately. I go to work, come home, eat supper and go to sleep. That's pretty much it. Emotionally I have been better. I think about my little one every day and ache because of him/her. At least it is not consuming my every thought anymore.


Tommy and I are "trying" again. I was just so sure that we would get it on the first try but that didn't happen. I ended up going through an entire box of pregnancy tests a few weeks ago. I tested very early because I could not stand it. Tommy kept telling me to wait until day 18 post ovulation to see if my temperature was still high but I couldn't do that, impatient much?. It was disappointing to keep seeing only one line. I was just so sure that it would happen. Alas, here I sit anxiously waiting to start the whole pregnancy thing over again. I don't look forward to the morning sickness but it is all so worth it.

My garden is doing well. The unexpected pumpkin vine is ginormous. Seriously. I have never grown one before so I have no idea what to expect. Tommy has been busy fixing up our boat. It is the boat that my parents got when I was little. I have so many fond memeories of family outings on that boat. My grandpa used it for several years and then it has been resting at my brothers. Tommy got it a few weeks ago and has been working on getting it water ready at a friend's house. I'm somewhat excited to see the finished product. It will be fun for us to have a little boat to go out on and go fishing. Summer is finally here and that makes me happy. I'm looking forward to the 4th of July weekend and a day off. We don't have any plans as of right now other than a little block party with some of my neighbors tomorrow night. I hope that everyone has a safe and fun-filled 4th!

how did I miss that?!

Last night Tommy and I were outside watering the gardens and pulling weeds. While we were out there I noticed something I had not see before, a pumpkin vine. It had worked its way around the bucket and out from under the tarp. It is growing in an "unused" part of our veggie garden. It is probably about 5 feet long. That's taller than me! Last fall I threw our pumpkins out there when they started to rot and I'm glad I did. I have tried to plant pumpkins every year, but with no luck. I'm hoping that since this one has such a good start it will continue to do well. It was a really nice surprise for me! The rest of the vegetables are doing well. By the middle of next week we should be eating fresh zucchini and possibly some cucumbers. It is so nice to be able to go out in your back yard and pick what you are going to eat for supper. I can't wait!

some days are better than others

It is a perfect day outside. My neighbors are out working in their yards, playing with the kids, washing their cars and all I want to do is sit inside and cry. I thought I was doing better. I had not been really done in a few weeks. The past couple of days though have been difficult. I just want to sit and cry. My house looks like a tornado went through it. Laundry is piled up and I don't even care. Why, after 3 months does it still hurt so much? I find myself avoiding anything to do with babies. Tomorrow, we are supposed to go up to my cousin's house to celebrate Father's Day with my family. One of my cousin's is pregnant and due in August. I do not want to go. Not the way I have been feeling. I've never been one to avoid people and situation. I love my family and enjoy spending time with them. It is so difficult though to be around someone and not feel the emptiness inside. The jealously. I don't think my family really understands.

Evidently this is one of those down times that is bound to happen in the grief process. It sucks though. It sucks to not feel like yourself. People tell me I'm strong. I doesn't seem like that though. Why am I blogging all of this? Because I can. Because I want the encouragement and prayers from those who read. I need that right now. When I sit down at the keyboard I never know what is going to come out. Blogging=therapy for me.

Tommy has been on the afternoon shift for the past 2 weeks. That means I'm home alone in the evenings. I try to stay busy with my gardens and making jewelry. Today I was looking forward to him being home. I woke up a little before 9 and he wasn't in bed. I went out to the living room and found an empty couch. When I looked outside his truck was gone. My first thought was that he went to get me an iced coffee from McDonald's (I'm hooked on them right now and the nearest Starbucks is about an hour away). Twenty minutes later I figured he must have decided to go to work. Maybe he kissed me by and told me where he was going, but I don't remember it at all. That makes me sad. I feel like we never get to spend time together. I just want to get out of the house and do something fun, with him. Just us. Not worrying about the laundry, the bills, the high gas prices or our child that we never got to meet. He called a little while ago from work. He said that he could come home now if I wanted him too. I told him to do whatever he wanted. I'm pretty sure he's on his way here right now. Hopefully we can find something fun to do outside to enjoy this gorgeous day that God has given us.

I know that in a few days I'll feel better. This slump will not last forever. For now though, I'm doing what I can to climb my way back out...

cheerios and ice-cream

Tonight I left Barbie at my grandma's while my cousin and I ran some errands. When I got back to pick her up this is the conversation I had with my grandma:

G-ma: Barbie thinks her cholesterol is high.
Me: What?
G-ma: She thinks she has high cholesterol so she had to eat some Cheerios.
Me: Great. That's just what she needs.
G-ma: She really liked them. hohoho (that's how my grandma laughs, a little more high pitched than Santa though)


Of course what she did not tell me is that she also gave her some cheese. I guess that is better than the crackers and butter that she generally tries to feed her.

In other news did you know that they have lactose FREE ice-cream? I didn't. I was so excited when I saw it that you would have thought that it said "instantly lose 10 pounds" on the carton or "$100 bill in each serving". Seriously though, the thought of eating a bowl of ice-cream without taking a pill made me want to dance a little jig. Sometimes it really is the little things in life. Thanks Breyers!!

why argue?

One reason why I love my job is that you never know what a senior is going to say. Today I was on a home visit with one of my client's. She welcomed me into her home and as I stepped through the threshold she said, "What did you do?" I panicked for a second thinking I stepped on her cat. She proceeded to say, "You look thinner. Have you lost weight?" I chuckled and told her that I think I've gained weight since I last saw her. She disagreed and I just smiled and thanked her. Maybe it was the tall shoes, the black shirt or the fact that the house was so dim that she could not really see all that well. Hey, a compliment is a compliment and I take 'em when I can get 'em.

clouds are lifting

Well, apparently my optic nerve is no longer swollen. The blurred vision on the bottom and inner part of my eye are most likely a deficit that I will just have to deal with. The super neurologist was just that, super. She took her time with me and asked me a ton of questions. She sat down with Tommy and I and really got to know what was going on with me. The appointment lasted around 2 hours. When it was all said and done she sat down with us and said that she did not see anything to be worried about. She did not see any swelling at all. She said that the MRI looked fine and showed no lesions. There was not really anything that she could say as to why the swelling had occurred. According to the report from my lumbar puncture from September the initial pressure was a little higher than normal. Perhaps there was some increased pressure that caused the swelling and it took this long for it to go away? She also said that it appeared that my optic nerve was elevated. From what I understood that basically means that one side is a little higher than the other. Normally they are flat against your eyeball, but mine appears to be a bit higher on one side. I guess some people are just born that way. She is going to send the report to my Dr.s and she suggested that I see my eye specialist in 6 months for a check up. If I notice any new symptoms she said that I should call my Dr.

All in all it was a good day and I feel the trip was worth it. I was just relieved as soon as she said that she did not see any swelling. We talked about the loss of the baby and she did not seem to think that there was anything related. Where does this put us now? I don't really know. I do know that on my way to work today I felt totally different than I had in a long time. It sounds trite and cliche but everything looked different, like the clouds are starting to lift. My heart still aches each time I see someone with a new baby or a pregnant belly. I know that ache will not soon go away. My heart hurts for the baby that should be moving about in my belly right now. All I can do for now is hope that everything is in fact okay with me and that my body is slowly getting ready to do some cupcake baking.

Thank you to everyone for all the thoughts and prayers. We really felt them yesterday. I was calm for most of the day (despite the mishap where I programmed the wrong address into the navigation system and ended up at the wrong clinic). All in all it was a good day for Tommy and I to spend together. He has been working so much lately that we do not get to spend too much time together.

Here is to new beginnings and a new fresher outlook on life.

update

Everything went well at my appointment. Nothing to worry about. I will post more tomorrow when I'm not so tired.

can't take much more

Here it is the day before my big appointment with the "super" neurologist. When the appointment was scheduled it seemed like it was a long way off. I ended up taking a 1/2 day today. I could not concentrate. It really had nothing to do with the appointment tomorrow. It had everything to do with so many things going wrong that cost money, money that is there, but needs to be saved for a new ROOF. First it was Tommy's truck getting backed into at work. They didn't leave a note, nice. That still is not fixed. Waiting on insurance. Then it was the water heater. Now, it is my car. My lovely little car with all the fun little "extras" that I never thought I would have.

Last Friday I had to take my uncle to the Dr. It was really warm so I turned on the AC, at least I attempted to. Yeah, it didn't work. What the crap? I thought for sure I was missing something. Maybe I was just too blonde to figure out how to work the controls? Nope, it wasn't me. Great. I called the dealership and they got me in today. I got a call sometime this morning telling me that it was the evaporator or something like that and it would be around $850 to fix it and it was out of warranty. What? No, you are kidding. No, he was every bit serious. He proceeded to tell me called and talked with Chrysler and they will be paying for all of it but $250. Okay, but what about the fact that I JUST GOT THE CAR. Sure we checked it out before we signed on the dotted line, but it was the middle of February and it was stinking cold and of course the air seemed cold that was blowing out of the vents. "It could have just happened last week for all we know." That does not exactly make me feel any better about it. I asked to speak to someone. I got the owner of the dealership. Let's just say that he was rather condescending to me and I ended up with tears in my eyes because I was so frustrated/upset/stressed/(feeling like a dumb girl?). He basically said of course they check out the vehicles before they sell them blah, blah, I didn't buy a new vehicle, blah, blah, money doesn't grow on trees. He actually said that to me. Like I don't know that already. I realize that Mr. "I drive a big SUV because I own a dealership" but $250 to me is a lot of money right now. I have medical bills that are yet to be seen (don't know what tomorrow will bring) and I need a new roof! I told them that I needed the car for tomorrow and to just order the part and call me when it comes in. I walked over to get the car so I could go home (I work next door to the dealership) and I was glad I didn't have to talk to mean SUV guy.

On my way home I had to stop by the hospital and pick up the MRI films of my brain to take tomorrow. I thought they would be on a CD, instead I'm handed this huge envelope that is rather heavy. I hesitated expecting her to tell me that it was $50 for the copies or something. Nope first set free. After that it is only $5. That seems like a pretty good deal. Ha. It is a weird feeling carrying images of such a vital part of your insides. It was so good to pull in the driveway and see my cute hubby and puppy sitting outside waiting for me. I have spent the afternoon doing nothing. It has rained/stormed twice and now it is sunny. I hope I can sleep okay tonight. I'm more nervous about finding Carle Clinic than the appointment at this point. I hope that she can tell me something, anything tomorrow. My eye has really been bothering me lately.

makes my heart all gooey

Tonight Tommy and I went to eat with my parents. Before we got our food, my brother and his family came to join us. At one point Clara was standing on the bench by me. She reached out and put her little arms around my neck. She patted me on the back and didn't let go. As she pulled away I'm pretty sure I heard "luzyou". Even if she didn't say it I know that she was trying to tell me that she loves me. Right back at ya kiddo. This is one proud auntie!

Side note. I had the pleasure of watching her for several hours on Monday. Tommy and I had a great time playing with her and taking her to see the neighbor's ducks. She went home quacking. ha. That night she was at my parents and just as they were leaving she fell and hit her head against the china hutch. I guess it looked pretty bad so they took her to the ER. They debated if they should stitch it but ended up just using the glue. I'm sure this will be the first of many bumps and bruises, but it still looks so sad to see a 1 year old with a gash on her forehead covered with tape. I guess that was a rather long side note...

pomp and circumstance

(Amy, Casey, Amanda, Me)

Tonight is graduation night in my town. My mom and I are going to see my brother's girlfriend walk across the stage. It is hard to believe that it was 10 years ago that I was in the same position, getting ready to head out into the big scary "adult" world. Oh, how things have changed. I had a great group of friends in High School. We always had a great time and never really did much of anything. We just had fun being together. Only a few of my HS friends live near me now and I miss them dearly. Our lives have taken us across several states. I hope to see some of them this year at our reunion. There are a few others that were in the year ahead of me. I don't know when I will see them again. For tonight I'll try to hold back the tears as the HS band plays "pomp and circumstance". For some reason I always tear up when I hear it. Congratulations to all you grads out there, HS or otherwise!

baby bird

A few days ago, Tommy and I discovered a baby robin in our yard. I was worried one of the neighborhood cats would get it, but so far so good. When the rain finally broke this evening I decided to try to get a few pictures of it. Right when I walked out the door I saw momma flying down to tend to her baby. When I got closer I realized the poor thing was all wet. I felt like I should try to dry him off. I suppose that his momma is taking care of him and he will be alright as soon as he can fly. I'm just glad that she is staying by his side, rain or shine. Isn't that how we all should be? No matter what the weather is like, we need to stay by the ones we love, caring for them. Funny how nature can give us subtle reminders.

2 years later

Tomorrow, Tommy and I will celebrate 2 years as a married couple. To me it seems like we have been married longer than that. It is somewhat difficult to remember what life was like without him in it. I guess that is a good thing, right? I thought I would take this opportunity to tell "our" story.

My now sister-in-law, Mindi, is actually responsible for us meeting. She and a friend used to go country line dancing at a place called Wild Country about 45 minutes from us. One weekend they met the Moxey twins there. They soon became friends and looked forward to meeting up with them when they went there on the weekends. I can remember Mindi talking about the Moxey twins and wondering why she was spending so much time with guys that were not my brother, ha. I am not really sure how long they knew one another before I met them, but I'm guessing at least 2 years. Tommy even came up here a few times to visit them. In May of 2004 a group of us went to Wild Country to celebrate Mindi's 21st birthday. I didn't really know if I wanted to go or not since I did not know how to line dance and bars were not my thing at all. Good thing I did. I remember when we picked up Mindi on the way down she made some comment about how her friend Tommy was going to meet us there and he would probably "hit" on me. I just laughed. I asked how old he was and she said that he was the same age as them (meaning 3 years younger). We all met up at Applebee's to eat. Tommy was there and we ended up sitting at the table across from one another. He was unlike any guy I had ever dated or even been friends with. He was wearing cowboy boots, a cowboy hat and tight jeans. His eyes drew me in right away. I have always been an eye girl. Throughout supper I kept catching myself staring at him. I thought that this guy is going to think I'm some sort of freak!

After supper, we headed to Wild Country. We found a few seats by the dance floor and I camped out to watch them dance. It was actually fun to watch the variety of people that were there. Tommy was a really good dancer. I remember going to use the restroom and when I came out Mindi told me that Tommy was looking for me because he wanted to dance a slow song with me. I was so nervous. It was like Jr. High all over again. The cute boy likes me. I anxiously waited for the next song and finally it came on. For the life of me I can't remember what it was. At the time I kept thinking to myself I need to remember this song. I really didn't want the dance to be over. For me it was an instant attraction. I don't know if I would say "love at first sight" but it was something. Like I mentioned before he was so different than any guy before. He was just like my dad and brothers. He liked hunting, fishing, and all the other "redneck" country boy things.

We had a really good time that night. Tommy actually ended up coming back with us and we all stayed at my parents house. The next morning my mom questioned who the strange guy was. I explained that it was Mindi's friend that she had talked about before. It is kind of weird now looking back on that. She was all worried that we picked up some random person at the "bar". Ha. Now he fits in with my family sometimes better than I do!

The next few months I spent a lot of time driving down to see him. I was fresh out of Graduate school and looking for a job. That October I started the job I'm at now. The following April I bought our house and in June we were engaged. It really didn't take us long to figure out that we were meant for one another. Planning our wedding was so much fun. Tommy actually helped with a lot of the details. I made did all the decorations, the flowers and jewelry. I loved every minute of it. My mom says every now and then that it was so much fun that I ought to do it all over again. I told her maybe for our 20th we can have a vow renewal or something.

I'm thankful to have a husband who loves me and loves my family. It is a blessing that he gets along with my father so well. I have never been that close with my dad so it is good that my husband is. The rest of my family loves him just as much as I do. He and my mom gang up on me all the time. I never really believed the statement that girls end up marrying someone like their fathers, but in my case I guess that is somewhat the truth!

family time

The busyness of life has taken me in this last week. It has been good for me to stay busy and not just sit and think. I have spent some time with my great Uncle and with friends. Work is crazy busy (hello huge stacks of charts on my desk) and I'm enjoying it for some strange reason. I was touched this week by 3 very different clients I went to see. That is really a whole other post that I do not have time for now.


Today my family is heading to the St. Louis Zoo to spend some time together for Mother's day. I'll be honest, this has been a difficult week/weekend for me to think about. I long to be a mom that can hold her child and celebrate the joy that it is to share that mother/child bond. I keep telling myself that I am a mom. I love the baby that I lost more than I can even put into words and that is why it hurts so much. Today I get to spend the day with my niece Clara. It is always bittersweet for me. I enjoy being with her but can't help to feel the tinge of jealously for the relationship that she shares with her mommy, sorry Mindi. I love you both and am so blessed to have you in my life. Enough of this sappy stuff, I need to get ready!!

the race

I have been sitting in front of my computer now for at least 30 minutes thinking about what I want to say. The truth is that I don't know. I find comfort in blogging, I think I have written about that before. Sometimes I just need to get thoughts and feelings out. There is so much going through my head that I am just not able to sort out. I do not have a good grasp on life right now. The days come and go and I feel like life is happening around me, not to me. It is difficult to explain, but I'm sure everyone has been through this before. I'm still hurting. I feel like "society" thinks I should move on and feel better by now, but I can't. I had life inside of me and now it is gone. There was a heartbeat. Now it is gone. It is really difficult to understand why. Only HE knows why.

A few weeks ago a fellow blogger introduced me to a new blog to add to my growing list of reads. It has been a source of inspiration and comfort to me. I am humbled by Angie's way of worshiping God through a time of hurt. It is an incredible story and I encourage you to read her blog. Here is a video about their story that has also touched me. It is rather long, but if the blog speaks to you then I would recommend watching it as well.

I know that we all go through the grief process in different ways. It is frustrating to me that I hurt as much as I do. I want to feel better. I know that I need to give myself time and allow myself to hurt. That is all part of the process. (A special little lady told me that:) Someday the hurt will not be as sharp. Someday I will look back on this time as one of life's lessons. I just want someday to come soon.

Yesterday I had the privilege to play mom to four of my cousins for the evening. As I watched Kennah run the 800, (I think), I snapped a few pictures. I uploaded them tonight and it made me think about how life really is like a race. We are always looking forward to the next thing, graduations, marriage, jobs, families, etc. After I graduated High School, it was on to college. After grad school, it was racing to get a job. Next, came the house and marriage. Everything was God's timing and seemed to fall perfectly into place. The next natural lap in the race was starting a family. Then that stupid hurdle got in the way. I fell down, skinned my knee and got the wind knocked out of me. Now I guess I'm at that point in the race when I need to pick myself back up, wipe the dirt off, take a deep breath and get on with the race. That is the hardest part.

We do not always come in first. Kennah came in 3rd last night. That is something to be proud of. It gives us something to strive for when we are not first, something to work towards. I pray that I can be more faithful in my prayer life and my time with God. I find comfort in knowing that God is by my side during this race. He is sitting right there by me on the ground, waiting for me to wipe of the dirt. I know that even though I have been upset by all of this He loves me no matter what. I also gain comfort in knowing that my baby is in Heaven worshiping the great Healer. One of my Aunts sent me a card a few weeks ago. She wrote a few lines to let us know that we are in her thoughts. There is one line that I keep going back to: "Draw comfort in knowing that a precious soul will be waiting for you in heaven." Wow. It makes me cry every time.

I never got to hold my child, but that does not make him/her any less important to my life or to God. For now I will rest knowing that my child is safe and not in any pain. This crazy race does not stop just because we fall down. In those times it actually seems to speed up.

I guess it is time for me to stop typing nonsense and get back to living life. I think I need to think about making some supper, my tummy is growling! Thank you again and again to everyone out there for the thoughts and prayers. They make these down times much easier to get through.

afternoon on the farm

Yesterday my great uncle Butch called me to see if I would visit him sometime soon to take pictures. Tommy was out turkey hunting (this is his first year and he got one today!) so I told him that we would come out once he got back in. We headed out after lunch. Butch walked around with us and pointed out the things he wanted me to capture. I snapped a few here and there that he didn't point out as well. He is hoping to use a picture or two for Christmas cards. It was interesting to learn about the variety of plants he has. He told me that he took a botany class at Greenville (he was a Business major) and really enjoyed it. He and his late wife always planted a large and very productive garden and beautiful roses. They won many ribbons at the local county fair. While we were walking around it was evident that he misses getting out and working with the plants. We really enjoyed our afternoon and I hope to go back soon. I hope that the pictures I took can bring a little bit of joy to him. It made me appreciate being young and able to do the things that bring joy to my life. Sometimes we need those little reminders.

Earth Day '08

Earth Day has been around since the early 60's but I think it is getting more recognition this year than ever. Yesterday when I was shopping with my mom, I had at least 2 sales clerks mention something about it. I guess I somewhat sparked the conversation when I told them I didn't want a bag, but still. Everywhere you look people are promoting "green" products. Even a certain women's unmentionables store has products that have some catchy green slogan plaster across the backside of shirts and shorts. I am not the best at recycling or taking quick showers, but I do try my best. Happy Earth Day '08. I encourage everyone to do a little something today for this amazing planet that God has blessed us with.

nothing new

My appointment went okay. My Dr. didn't really didn't have much to say. He was just glad that I still do not notice any MS symptoms. He was also happy to hear that I am going to see the Dr. in Campaign. Everyone keeps telling me, "She's really good." So, now it is the wait and see game. In the meantime my grandma and I made a deal to not worry about anything for the next 2 days.

semi-update

I finally got my appointment moved up with the "super" neurologist. It was originally scheduled for the end of June but they moved me up to June 5th. The nurse told me that the Dr. is on vacation for 2 weeks and is more booked than she has been in a really long time. I just laughed and told her that I'm not surprised. She did say that they would call if there were any cancellations.



I'm off today to go to my follow up with my neurologist in Springfield. I'm somewhat nervous to see him. Hopefully he won't try to stick a needle in my back today!

paging Dr. House

I am a big fan of the TV show House. It wasn't until the second season that I discovered and I was instantly hooked. Since the end of last summer I have been wishing that there was a "real" Dr. House practicing somewhere. Throughout my life I have been a fairly healthy person. There is never anything majorly wrong with me. However from time to time I end come up with some "strange" abnormality. One example that sticks out is when I was in college and lived with my good friends, Kimberly and Sheri. One morning I woke up and I could not move one of my thumbs. It eventually went away, but it was difficult to do much of anything while it "wasn't working." Sometime around the end of last August I noticed something different. The vision in my left eye was a little blurry. I called and made an appointment with my eye Dr. I have reading glasses that I use on the rare occasion, but otherwise my eyes are healthy. After an eye exam I was told that I had a swollen optic nerve. The next step was to see an eye specialist. He saw me and ordered and MRI and set me up with a neurologist. I really didn't know what to think about all of it.



The day of my 27th birthday my mom went with me to the first appointment with my neurologist. He is a wonderful man who actually comes out to the waiting room to get you. His philosophy is that if you need to see a neurologist then you do not need to see a nurse first. He does an exam and discusses the results of the MRI with me, perfectly normal. He goes over a few things that could be causing the swelling. Next, he tells me what I had dreaded, he wants to do a lumbar puncture that day. I'm pretty sure that my mouth dropped open. I kind of laughed and said, "but it's my birthday." Clearly he didn't care. I was not at all prepared for this and I was really glad that my mom came with me on that day. He goes out into the hallway and lets then nurses know that they need to prepare to do this. I really didn't have time to think about what he was about to do. I remember over hearing him say that "this is kind of an emergency." I'm not sure why he put it that way, but it was pretty scary at the time. Next thing I knew I was in the next room in a gown laying on my side. It was over before I knew it and truthfully it was not that bad. I'm glad I didn't have time to dwell on it. The worse was yet to come.



Once that was over the nurse worked on trying to put an iv in me so they could start me on steroids. That was horrible. I was so cold and my veins were not cooperating. At one point she was semi-straddling me and I was laugh/crying. She finally got it in and started the dreaded steroids. After the allotted time I was permitted to head home. Like I mentioned before it was my birthday. I had a few visitors and tried really hard to lay flat. Looking back I wish I would not have moved at all. For the next few days I had to go to the local hospital for more IV steroids. The port that they left in was horrible to work around. They had to put in the bend of my arm and it really hurt. I do not really remember when the headache started, I just know it was there. Apparently the tiny hole that was made by the lumbar needle did not heal over and my spinal fluid was leaking causing the worst headache one could ever have. As long as I laid down I was not in pain. It was miserable. I was so tired of watching TV. There are only so many things one can do while lying flat on their back. Three minutes was all it took for me to feel the pain. The Dr. kept telling me that I should just drink caffeine and rest. I laughed and said I can't do anything but rest. Finally, after what seemed like a month, (maybe a little over a week after my LP) I was scheduled for a blood patch at my local hospital. That is a story in itself that I will not bore you with right now. It was like an immediate relief. I wanted to hug the guy.



So, what did we learn from all the test/pain/misery/Dr. bills? NOTHING. They ruled out a few things but had no explanation for why my optic nerve was swollen and there was vision loss. I was scheduled for follow up visits for 6 months to see what it looked like then.



Fast forward to last week. I went to see my eye specialist. He looked over the results of my visual field test I had done the Friday the week of my D&C (what a fun week). For about 5 minutes he literally did not say a word. He only muttered a few, "huhs". Finally he looked up and said that the visual field test was worse and that he was concerned. He did an exam and confirmed that my optic nerve was in fact still swollen. He said that after 6 months the swelling would have gone down if it was some sort of infection causing it. He went on to say that he was concerned enough that he wanted refer me to a Neuro-Optomologist. He said that he did not have any answers for me as to why it was still like this. I just sat there and did not know what to say. The nurse said that she would have to call me with an appointment. I spoke with her today and I'm scheduled for some time in June. She said that she was waiting to speak with my eye specialist to see if that was okay with him to wait. If not he will have to personally call the, "super" neurologist as I have been calling her, and try to get me worked in sooner. I am scheduled to see my "regular" neurologist this coming Monday.



I really do not know what to think about all of this. When I started this post I didn't expect to go into such detail. I suppose I just needed to get some of my story out there. Part of me wonders if the reason I lost our baby was that my body is not able to care for 2 lives at this time. Perhaps not. I do not know the reason for the loss and I may never know it. God knows and that is all that matters. My mind has been very busy lately thinking and feeling sorry for myself. It is difficult to be hurting both physically and emotionally. I suppose my eye is not causing physical pain other than the annoyance of the blurred vision and headache but it is still physical. I try to stay positive and most days I do just fine. I have been greatly encouraged by those around me and I thank each and every one of you. I would just ask that if you feel so inclined to pray for me, please pray for guidance for my Dr.'s, so that maybe we can have some answers. Maybe there will not be any. Maybe this is just the way my vision will be. I don't know. For now I will just try to be patient and wait for the nurse to get back with me about my appointment. Perhaps I can catch a rerun of House to keep me entertained. I'm pretty sure that if I did see him he would confirm that, "It's not Lupus." (Sorry, I could not resist a House quote.)



Thanks for "listening".--Jess

happy 90th, err 89th, birthday

Tonight my family and I went out to my great Uncle Butch's farm for his birthday. My grandma had told us that it was his 90th birthday so we thought that we should celebrate the milestone with him. We got out there and we shortly discovered that it is in fact his 89th birthday. Grandma thought her brother was 10 years older than her. Oops. We had a good laugh about it and enjoyed some good food. It is always good to get together with our family. I told Butch that I wanted to get back out when the weather was a little more agreeable to take some pictures around the farm. He said that he wanted me to take some pictures of the barn, especially the inside. It is from the 1800s and has a lot of character. I told him that I would be glad to try to get some pictures of it.

in the dirt

Like many others I have been wishing for warmer weather since about the middle of January. This weekend it finally came. I was able to get outside with the D40 and take some pictures. Once again the neighbors get to enjoy watching me lay in the grass or climb a tree to get an up close an personal shot of nature. Barbie is usually outside with me while I'm playing. She too enjoys laying in the warm grass.

Sunday, Tommy and I decided that we need to work on the front yard. It seemed like a much more doable task to just focus on one part of the yard. He manned the raking and mowing and I worked in my flower bed. It is always excited to pull away all the dead foliage and see the green underneath. My spring perennials are almost in bloom and that makes me really happy. Tulips are one of my favorite flowers. I also tackled the yucca plants that were here when I bought the house. I hate yuccas. If you are thinking about planting them, make sure that you want them around FOREVER. They will not die. No matter how far down I dig or how much weed killer I put on them they always come back. I cut them down and dug the suckers up. At least for now my flower garden is yucca free. I had Tommy run and get me some dirt to fill in some holes in the back of the garden. While digging up the yuccas we discovered a bunch of bricks, thus leaving holes. I covered the dirt with some mulch and now my garden looks so much better. There is more to be done but I will leave that for another weekend. I am pretty sore today and actually have a little bit of a sunburn. I guess I should have listened to Tommy when he told me to put on sunscreen.

I enjoy gardening which is something that I learned from my parents. My dad always planted a very large garden when I was younger. His garden is not as big now as it used to be but it is still bigger than mine. My mom has a rather large perennial flower garden. I have a lot to learn to be at their level of gardening but I still enjoy it. It is rewarding to make a dinner that mainly consists of veggies that you grew. I look forward to seeing who has the first tomato this year, my dad or me. Last year it was me, but who's keeping track? I would not say that I have the greenest thumb, but I like to pretend that I know what I am doing. For know I would say that my thumb is a light shade of green, maybe lime.

*Tommy took this picutre of me. If you look real close my eyes are closed but I still kind of like it.*