how did I miss that?!

Last night Tommy and I were outside watering the gardens and pulling weeds. While we were out there I noticed something I had not see before, a pumpkin vine. It had worked its way around the bucket and out from under the tarp. It is growing in an "unused" part of our veggie garden. It is probably about 5 feet long. That's taller than me! Last fall I threw our pumpkins out there when they started to rot and I'm glad I did. I have tried to plant pumpkins every year, but with no luck. I'm hoping that since this one has such a good start it will continue to do well. It was a really nice surprise for me! The rest of the vegetables are doing well. By the middle of next week we should be eating fresh zucchini and possibly some cucumbers. It is so nice to be able to go out in your back yard and pick what you are going to eat for supper. I can't wait!

some days are better than others

It is a perfect day outside. My neighbors are out working in their yards, playing with the kids, washing their cars and all I want to do is sit inside and cry. I thought I was doing better. I had not been really done in a few weeks. The past couple of days though have been difficult. I just want to sit and cry. My house looks like a tornado went through it. Laundry is piled up and I don't even care. Why, after 3 months does it still hurt so much? I find myself avoiding anything to do with babies. Tomorrow, we are supposed to go up to my cousin's house to celebrate Father's Day with my family. One of my cousin's is pregnant and due in August. I do not want to go. Not the way I have been feeling. I've never been one to avoid people and situation. I love my family and enjoy spending time with them. It is so difficult though to be around someone and not feel the emptiness inside. The jealously. I don't think my family really understands.

Evidently this is one of those down times that is bound to happen in the grief process. It sucks though. It sucks to not feel like yourself. People tell me I'm strong. I doesn't seem like that though. Why am I blogging all of this? Because I can. Because I want the encouragement and prayers from those who read. I need that right now. When I sit down at the keyboard I never know what is going to come out. Blogging=therapy for me.

Tommy has been on the afternoon shift for the past 2 weeks. That means I'm home alone in the evenings. I try to stay busy with my gardens and making jewelry. Today I was looking forward to him being home. I woke up a little before 9 and he wasn't in bed. I went out to the living room and found an empty couch. When I looked outside his truck was gone. My first thought was that he went to get me an iced coffee from McDonald's (I'm hooked on them right now and the nearest Starbucks is about an hour away). Twenty minutes later I figured he must have decided to go to work. Maybe he kissed me by and told me where he was going, but I don't remember it at all. That makes me sad. I feel like we never get to spend time together. I just want to get out of the house and do something fun, with him. Just us. Not worrying about the laundry, the bills, the high gas prices or our child that we never got to meet. He called a little while ago from work. He said that he could come home now if I wanted him too. I told him to do whatever he wanted. I'm pretty sure he's on his way here right now. Hopefully we can find something fun to do outside to enjoy this gorgeous day that God has given us.

I know that in a few days I'll feel better. This slump will not last forever. For now though, I'm doing what I can to climb my way back out...

cheerios and ice-cream

Tonight I left Barbie at my grandma's while my cousin and I ran some errands. When I got back to pick her up this is the conversation I had with my grandma:

G-ma: Barbie thinks her cholesterol is high.
Me: What?
G-ma: She thinks she has high cholesterol so she had to eat some Cheerios.
Me: Great. That's just what she needs.
G-ma: She really liked them. hohoho (that's how my grandma laughs, a little more high pitched than Santa though)


Of course what she did not tell me is that she also gave her some cheese. I guess that is better than the crackers and butter that she generally tries to feed her.

In other news did you know that they have lactose FREE ice-cream? I didn't. I was so excited when I saw it that you would have thought that it said "instantly lose 10 pounds" on the carton or "$100 bill in each serving". Seriously though, the thought of eating a bowl of ice-cream without taking a pill made me want to dance a little jig. Sometimes it really is the little things in life. Thanks Breyers!!

why argue?

One reason why I love my job is that you never know what a senior is going to say. Today I was on a home visit with one of my client's. She welcomed me into her home and as I stepped through the threshold she said, "What did you do?" I panicked for a second thinking I stepped on her cat. She proceeded to say, "You look thinner. Have you lost weight?" I chuckled and told her that I think I've gained weight since I last saw her. She disagreed and I just smiled and thanked her. Maybe it was the tall shoes, the black shirt or the fact that the house was so dim that she could not really see all that well. Hey, a compliment is a compliment and I take 'em when I can get 'em.

clouds are lifting

Well, apparently my optic nerve is no longer swollen. The blurred vision on the bottom and inner part of my eye are most likely a deficit that I will just have to deal with. The super neurologist was just that, super. She took her time with me and asked me a ton of questions. She sat down with Tommy and I and really got to know what was going on with me. The appointment lasted around 2 hours. When it was all said and done she sat down with us and said that she did not see anything to be worried about. She did not see any swelling at all. She said that the MRI looked fine and showed no lesions. There was not really anything that she could say as to why the swelling had occurred. According to the report from my lumbar puncture from September the initial pressure was a little higher than normal. Perhaps there was some increased pressure that caused the swelling and it took this long for it to go away? She also said that it appeared that my optic nerve was elevated. From what I understood that basically means that one side is a little higher than the other. Normally they are flat against your eyeball, but mine appears to be a bit higher on one side. I guess some people are just born that way. She is going to send the report to my Dr.s and she suggested that I see my eye specialist in 6 months for a check up. If I notice any new symptoms she said that I should call my Dr.

All in all it was a good day and I feel the trip was worth it. I was just relieved as soon as she said that she did not see any swelling. We talked about the loss of the baby and she did not seem to think that there was anything related. Where does this put us now? I don't really know. I do know that on my way to work today I felt totally different than I had in a long time. It sounds trite and cliche but everything looked different, like the clouds are starting to lift. My heart still aches each time I see someone with a new baby or a pregnant belly. I know that ache will not soon go away. My heart hurts for the baby that should be moving about in my belly right now. All I can do for now is hope that everything is in fact okay with me and that my body is slowly getting ready to do some cupcake baking.

Thank you to everyone for all the thoughts and prayers. We really felt them yesterday. I was calm for most of the day (despite the mishap where I programmed the wrong address into the navigation system and ended up at the wrong clinic). All in all it was a good day for Tommy and I to spend together. He has been working so much lately that we do not get to spend too much time together.

Here is to new beginnings and a new fresher outlook on life.

update

Everything went well at my appointment. Nothing to worry about. I will post more tomorrow when I'm not so tired.

can't take much more

Here it is the day before my big appointment with the "super" neurologist. When the appointment was scheduled it seemed like it was a long way off. I ended up taking a 1/2 day today. I could not concentrate. It really had nothing to do with the appointment tomorrow. It had everything to do with so many things going wrong that cost money, money that is there, but needs to be saved for a new ROOF. First it was Tommy's truck getting backed into at work. They didn't leave a note, nice. That still is not fixed. Waiting on insurance. Then it was the water heater. Now, it is my car. My lovely little car with all the fun little "extras" that I never thought I would have.

Last Friday I had to take my uncle to the Dr. It was really warm so I turned on the AC, at least I attempted to. Yeah, it didn't work. What the crap? I thought for sure I was missing something. Maybe I was just too blonde to figure out how to work the controls? Nope, it wasn't me. Great. I called the dealership and they got me in today. I got a call sometime this morning telling me that it was the evaporator or something like that and it would be around $850 to fix it and it was out of warranty. What? No, you are kidding. No, he was every bit serious. He proceeded to tell me called and talked with Chrysler and they will be paying for all of it but $250. Okay, but what about the fact that I JUST GOT THE CAR. Sure we checked it out before we signed on the dotted line, but it was the middle of February and it was stinking cold and of course the air seemed cold that was blowing out of the vents. "It could have just happened last week for all we know." That does not exactly make me feel any better about it. I asked to speak to someone. I got the owner of the dealership. Let's just say that he was rather condescending to me and I ended up with tears in my eyes because I was so frustrated/upset/stressed/(feeling like a dumb girl?). He basically said of course they check out the vehicles before they sell them blah, blah, I didn't buy a new vehicle, blah, blah, money doesn't grow on trees. He actually said that to me. Like I don't know that already. I realize that Mr. "I drive a big SUV because I own a dealership" but $250 to me is a lot of money right now. I have medical bills that are yet to be seen (don't know what tomorrow will bring) and I need a new roof! I told them that I needed the car for tomorrow and to just order the part and call me when it comes in. I walked over to get the car so I could go home (I work next door to the dealership) and I was glad I didn't have to talk to mean SUV guy.

On my way home I had to stop by the hospital and pick up the MRI films of my brain to take tomorrow. I thought they would be on a CD, instead I'm handed this huge envelope that is rather heavy. I hesitated expecting her to tell me that it was $50 for the copies or something. Nope first set free. After that it is only $5. That seems like a pretty good deal. Ha. It is a weird feeling carrying images of such a vital part of your insides. It was so good to pull in the driveway and see my cute hubby and puppy sitting outside waiting for me. I have spent the afternoon doing nothing. It has rained/stormed twice and now it is sunny. I hope I can sleep okay tonight. I'm more nervous about finding Carle Clinic than the appointment at this point. I hope that she can tell me something, anything tomorrow. My eye has really been bothering me lately.