NWTF

I'm sure you are thinking, "What in the world does NWTF stand for?" I was not really that sure until this weekend. Sometime last week Tommy asked me if I wanted to go to the turkey banquet on Saturday. My gut response was, "no" but I said I would think about it. I called and talked to my sister in law Mindi. She is on the committee and had all the details. My parents were going and taking my niece with them. I finally decided that it might be good to get out of the house and do something different. It was an all evening event that included raffles, a silent auction, door prizes, a live auction and of course food. I was actually shocked by the number of people there. I would guess there were close to 200 in attendance. It cost $60 to get in the door. That covered food, drinks (soda for me thanks), a few door prizes, membership, and I think a magazine. Right away we "had" to spend another $120 on an envelope of tickets for the raffles. This was the first time either of us had been there so we followed my dad's lead. I later realized that my mom didn't know that my dad had also spent money on the extra envelope. I got a good laugh out of that one.

There were lots of kids there as well. The NWTF is a big supporter of youth. They have a membership for kids called "Jakes". There were drawings for the kids. My niece Clara, who just turned 1 last week, won the drawing for a gun. I know she will learn how to hunt as soon as she is old enough. After we ate, they did the live auction. There was something like 35 items. There were a lot of paintings. Once the live auction was over they did the raffle items. They start off with the "bonus" items or the larger ticket items. The second number they drew was ours. I couldn't believe it. That meant that Tommy had second choice out of something like 6 guns. Woohoo. He knew exactly which gun he wanted. I was glad because that meant that we won a gun worth over $400 for the $180 we had spent on tickets. Totally worth the evening out. Also, this means that hopefully he will be happy for a while now that he has 3 guns. It is worse than women with shoes. Hunters can never have enough guns. I will never understand. The drawings continued and we won a cooler on wheels and a NWTF knife/multi tool knife set. It is actually pretty cool looking because it is a metallic orange. My parents came away with a tackle box and a folding table thing. All in all, it was a good evening. We didn't get out of there until after 10. Will I go again next year? Maybe. Now we get to look forward to Thursday when we can go pick up the gun at the local gun shop. Darn wait period...

Why did I write about this? I guess I have always kind of turned my nose up at these kinds of things. I grew up in a house of hunters but never got into it myself. I married a hunter and I still do not like it. I'm not against it or anything. Matter of fact I fixed a deer roast for dinner tonight. I just can't stand to watch hunting shows and I get really bored when we are shopping for sporting goods. I'm glad though that I stepped out of my comfort zone for an evening and shared something with my family that they really enjoy. I guess I need to be more open minded about things at times and this was a good lesson in that.

my furry best friend

This is the face that I wake up to most mornings. Tommy heads out the door before 1:30 am. Once he leaves Barbie always wants to snuggle even closer to me. That generally means that I get to share my pillow. I have never been too keen on sharing my pillow with anyone. Even now if Tommy is laying on "my" pillow I take it from him. I don't know why but I don't mind sharing with her. Sorry, Tommy. Once in a while she will take up so much room that I try to move her. I usually get a good growl out of her letting me know that she is not too happy with the move. Her other favorite spot to sleep is under the covers. She will burrow her way down to the bottom of the bed and lay right next to our legs. I never thought I would be one of "those" people who let their dog sleep with them. Funny how things change. The truth is that when she isn't there I kind of miss her. I have really appreciated her company the past two weeks. She doesn't understand why I'm crying but she seems to know that she needs to comfort me. I have spent a lot of time just holding her. Matter of fact, as I type this she is in my lap...

life, angel, hope

Here is a not so good picture of the bracelet I made for myself yesterday. While searching for something to help me to cope I kept running across different "memorial" items. I saw some bracelets similar to this one and immediately pulled up my favorite bead website and ordered what I needed to make one for myself. I tweaked the design to fit my style. The beads and crystals represent the journey that I had with my pregnancy. The first bead represents December the month that we created "life". The second bead represents March the month our baby became an "angel". The last bead stands for September the month that we "hoped" to complete our family. I am very pleased with the way it turned out. I love how simple it is. I have made so many "name" bracelets for different moms in the past year. This is a different twist on a "mom" bracelet. It is a little daily reminder of the time I was blessed with to carry my child.

thank you

I just wanted to say "thank you" to everyone for the continued support. I have appreciated all of the thoughts, prayers, emails, cards, phone calls, blog comments, etc. It means so much that there are so many people out there who care. Even to the people who have never met me, aka friends of Kimberly. Thank you to each and every one of you. I appreciate everything.

in the mail

I hope that everyone had a nice Easter weekend. Our family did. We celebrated our niece Clara's 1st birthday on Saturday. Sunday we spent at my grandparents and ate tons of yummy food. I only had a few emotional breakdowns so that was good. I went back to work last Thursday and then I had Friday off. It was not too bad going back to work, but I was thankful to have a three day weekend. Physically I have had my ups and downs. I ended up back at my Dr. on Wednesday. My stomach was really bothering me. I called my Dr. to see what they thought. The nurse called me back and said my Dr. wanted to see me. Luckily my sister in law was able to drive me there. Thanks, Mindi! After an exam my Dr. said that everything looked okay after my surgery. She pressed on my stomach, which really hurt, and said that she wanted to have some labwork done. She also ordered an ultrasound of my gallbladder and liver. After all that the results came back normal. I'm thinking that I was unlucky enough to catch some type of virus with everything else that I was going through. Seriously, could one more thing be wrong? Friday, on my day off, I decided to do a little shopping. I found a few things. Then I had an eye appointment for a visual field test. My vision saga is something that I have not written about on here yet. I'll save that fun time for another day. ha. I am anxious to feel better physically so that I can try to focus on healing mentally.


Today I got some things in the mail that made me smile. I ordered a book last week from Amazon that appealed to me. Hopefully there will be something in it that helps me to get through this. I also got some new beads that I ordered. Now I just need some motivation to create some exciting new pieces. Another thing to smile about today is that my hubby is back on day shift for 4 weeks. Of course he falls asleep before 7 every night and is out of the house before 1:30 every morning, but at least he is physically here. It makes the evenings much more bearable. I have rambled on enough for now. Thanks for "listening".

life's changes

The thing I wanted so bad is now gone. Some of you who read this blog and do not really know me that well may have wondered why there were some changes made last week. It all started last Monday when I went to my second OB appointment. I went alone because I figured that it would be no big deal and I would rather Tommy save his time off for later on when I really needed him to drive. That was a big mistake. Never again will I go alone. When I was in the room with my OB she could not find my baby's heartbeat with the Doppler. She tired to comfort me and said that most likely the placenta was just in front of the little one. She called her nurse in and I went to have a sonogram. As soon as I got in that room I began to fear the worst. I kept telling myself that I was being silly. My body had not given me any signs that anything was wrong, no spotting, no cramping. I was at 13 weeks and was actually starting to feel better. Anyway, back to the sonograms. The tech had a difficult time finding the baby at first. She said that it was curled up way in the back and I didn't have a full bladder. Instead of pressing around on me she decided to do an internal sonogram. That was not too bad. I don't really remember it. I was so focused on the screen (that I wish now I had not seen). There was my little one on the screen. It looked so much more like a "real" baby than the last one. Since we had a sonogram last time I could tell this one was different though. Last time there was a heartbeat that could be "seen" right away. This time I did not see anything. No movement. Then there was a line on the screen. I don't know but I can only assume that was what was supposed to be the heartbeat. A flat line. The tech took a few more shots and I just laid there. I got redressed and next thing I knew I was in another room waiting for my Dr. She was there in no time. She came in and had a frown on her face. The first thing she said to me is something I will most likely hear for a long time in my head, "We are not smiling. There is not a heartbeat." I just sat there in disbelief. Honestly I kept waiting for her to say something else like, but it is probably just because blah, blah, blah. She didn't say anything like that. She sat there quietly and told me that my baby actually only measured a little over 9 weeks. It still didn't sink in. She said some other things. After that she started to talk to me about a D&C. I started to well up then. We talked a little more and it was time for me to face the world.

I really do not know how I got back out to the car. I could barely see the numbers on my phone to call Tommy. His boss answered and he could barely understand who I was asking for. As soon as I heard my husband voice, I broke down. I think I had to repeat myself at least three times because he could not understand what I was saying. Finally when I got it all out he simply said, "I'm coming home." I called my mom next. She answered so cheerfully then I had to break her heart as well. Luckily she just works down the road from my Dr. so a co-worker drove her over. I was in no shape to even think about driving home. We sat in the parking lot for what seemed like forever. In reality it was probably about 30 minutes. I made some phone calls. I wanted to let people know. I wanted to get it out. Maybe I thought that would make it more real. I also wanted to let people know that I needed prayers if I was going to get through this. Those were the hardest phone calls I have ever made. On the plus side though I was told "I love you," from everyone I talked to. My mom drove me home and Tommy was here before us. We just stood in the middle of the living room on our pretty new carpet held each other and cried. For the first few days I pretty much cried for the first 24 hours. I didn't want to see anyone. I did not go to work. I couldn't. Wednesday my best friend came down to spend the day with me. It was so good too just watch movies and eat some goodies that she and her mom got for me. The week drug on. My "surgery" was scheduled for Monday. I cried when the nurse said that was the soonest they could get me in. It just didn't' seem fair that I had to carry it with me for another week. I didn't really do anything all week. I became a hermit. By Thursday I physically could not cry anymore. Saturday rolled around and we did some furniture shopping here in town and bought a new couch. I started to spot on Saturday. Honestly I was some what glad to see it. I opted to not have another sonogram because I didn't want to go though that again especially since the baby was not measuring close to the correct number of week. On Friday night I started to worry that I should have gone back in to have another one. The spotting told me that my body was now ready to let go and move on. That is what we must now do. Move on. I know it will get easier with time and we can try again. I also know that there are no guarantees that we will be able to have a child.

My D&C went well today. I was in and out of the OR before I even knew what happened. The thing I least liked was the fact that I had to walk into the OR and climb up on the table. I just started to look around and saw things I wish I had not. Luckily she got my IV in before too long (I'm a hard stick) and I drifted off. I feel as good as can be expected. Tommy has been with me all day and my mom has been in and out. She took the day off to go with us. I am loved and well taken care of. I hope that I start to feel better soon so I can return some of that love. I still have not come to terms with the "m" word. I can not say it and cringe anytime I hear it. I don't know why. I guess not saying it makes it easier for me.

Thank you to all of you out there who have kept Tommy and I in your thoughts and prayers. I know that is what has gotten us through this trying week. I look forward to spring now more that ever. I need to see new life and to be reminded that good things do come to those who wait and have faith.

he loves me

When I took Barbie outside this morning something hanging from the front porch caught my eye. Tommy made it at work last night. It made me start the day with a smile and that is a good thing.

those who make life easier

Everyone should have those few people in their lives who will drop everything and lend an ear when needed. I have found out in the past few days just who those people are for me. I'm not going to mention names because they already know who they are. I'm writing this just to say that it is good to know that there are people in my life who are there for me no matter what the circumstances are. I feel loved and I really need that right now. Life can throw some curve balls at you and they often smack you right in the face. It is good to know that there are people to help you as the wound heels. I will wright more later, but for now this is all I can do. Thank you to everyone out there who has been so supportive of Tommy and me. We could not do it without you.

the smell of new carpet makes me happy

It's here. It's finally here. I was kind of worried when at the beginning of the day. I got a call from the installer saying that he is not sure where I live but he is on my street and he is stuck. Great. I looked out the window and saw this. No harm done. He just carried his things across the street through the snow and started to work. Barbie and I stayed in the bedroom while he worked. For the first 20 minutes or so she barked with each hammer or loud noise. She finally settled down though. He was done by 1:00. I was shocked when he said that he was finished. I had taken the day off so I ran a few errands and started supper early. The only crappy thing is that I can't lift or move anything heavy. We might have to wait a few more days until we have furniture in the living room again, but I really don't care at this point. It already looks 100 times better than it did before. Now my kitchen floor looks gross. That might be the next project. At least it is small and probably would not cost that much money to do....

new carpet

I could not be more excited right now. We are getting new carpet in the living/dining room. I have hated the ugly, brown, old carpet since we bought the house. We were lucky that the rest of the house had nice hard wood floors under existing. I was so disappointed when we saw that the living room only had three strips of hardwood on one side. I'm not really sure what happened there. I guess maybe they ran out of money or something. Anyway, yesterday we went and picked out our new carpet/laminate (that will go underneath the table). Hopefully they will be installing the new flooring this week. It will make the living room seem so much cleaner. It was really really difficult for me to just sit back and not be able to really do anything. I really appreciated my mom coming over to lend a hand to Tommy. I don't know what we would do without her! Even one of the neighbor's helped to move a couch. I got in "trouble" for trying to lift something. It really wasn't that heavy. For now our things are scattered throughout the house and in the garages/basement. Thankfully we still have a spare room we can cram full of stuff. I got a little nervous when the TV and Internet were not working. My hubby came to the rescue and got a temporary set up for me. I told him that I can't sleep without my TV.