two years ago

Two years ago today-

The rug was pulled out from under me.  The life that Tommy and I created was suddenly gone.  At that time I had no idea if I would ever become a mom again.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  It was really hard for me to see beyond the hurt that I was feeling in that moment.  The seven months that passed between losing our child and finding out I was pregnant with Lucy were rough.  I can remember feeling like I was in a fog.  Life was just happening around me.  Looking back on that time I'm thankful that I had seven months to heal.  I needed that time so that I could be the best mom possible for Lucy.  Today my heart still aches for the child that I never held. I suppose that ache will lessen even more with time.  Lucy has made that ache easier to deal with.

Two years ago today-

I had no idea that I would soon be the proud momma to a beautiful, blue-eyed, strong willed little girl.  Lucy is now ten months old and I wonder where the time has gone.  I'm making plans for her first birthday party and I wonder how that is possible.  She has such a strong personality and that is coming out more and more with each day.  She has her momma's strong will and stubbornness.  We have so much fun with her.  Now that she is crawling she is all over the place exploring the world around her.  She gives me lots of kisses, but is stingy when it comes to giving her daddy kisses. I keep telling him that it has to do with the facial hair. Our lives are filled with joy because of her and I can't imagine what things were like before her. 

1/2 year

Lucy is now 1/2 a year old.  The days are going by so quickly.  She is sitting up now fairly well on her own.

She is eating veggies like a champ. Fruits on the other hand she does not care for.  We have attempted banana, apples and pears so far. All of which she pushed back out and gave us a face such as:

I've got pears on reserve in the freezer for when she decides that fruits are no longer yucky. In a few days I'll give another fruit a go.  Any suggestions?

She continues to do very well during the day at the sitter's.  She gets to spend the day with her cousin which I think is pretty special.  I can already see a bond forming between them.  Going to work is becoming a little more difficult for me at times.  There are days when I just want to stay home and play. My evening are soooo short.  Lucy does not nap much during the day so by around 6:30 at night she is pretty much spent and wants to nurse and go to sleep.  Until recently she has been pretty much sleeping through the night.  Sleeping through the night in Lucy terms is until around 5:30.  This past week she has been waking up sometime in the middle of the night wanting to eat.  I'm guessing it has something to do with a growth spurt.  Hopefully she will get over that soon!  All that to say that I do not have much time to spend with her in the evenings and that makes me sad. There have been a few mornings that I shed a few tears before I left for work. It's hard leaving her, but it makes me feel better when I take her the sitter's and she smiles and reaches for her.  I know she is in excellent hands and is happy.

We are still cloth diapering full time. I love it. I do a load of diapers every other day. 

She is primarily wearing size 3-6 month. There are still a few 0-3 in her closet that fit but they really should be packed away because they are summery.  Last week I got all of the next size up clothing washed. It's fun to go through all the clothes and make new outfits.  Then there are the shoes.  Oh, for the love of cute little tiny pink shoes. Help me. I see an addiction coming on.

Lucy does really well when we are out and about. This past Saturday the girls in my family went on our annual outing for my grandma's birthday. Every November for over 20 years we have been getting together.  We go somewhere different every year.  We have shopped the various malls from St. Louis to Chicago.  Several years ago we took the train to Chicago and stayed the weekend.  It was an adventure to say the least.  It is always a great time full of laughs.  The past couple of years we have scaled down the shopping and just gone to eat at different tea rooms.  It was so neat to be able to bring my daughter along for the first time.  Here is a picture of our group this year. Mindi, my sister-in-law, is the only one missing out of it because she was taking it. 

It is so incredible to watch the bond between Lucy and her dad develop. Tommy has been around more now that he is not working midnights and is enjoying having more time to spend with her. 

It has been an incredible 6 months.  Tonight when I was laying her down I paused to look in the mirror while she was still in my arms.  It is just so much to take in that she is mine and only 6 months ago she was brand new to this world.  How did I get so lucky?  There are still a lot of days that my heart is heavy for the baby that I lost.  It is something that I have not talked much about. I thought that having Lucy in my life would make the loss easier.  It has but at the same time it is almost more difficult.  I can't really put it into words right now and I don't want to bring down this post.  God has blessed us so much over the 6 months and I can't wait to see what the next 6 brings.  Excuse me now, I must go take a peek at my sweet little girl....

a year ago

It has been a year ago today that I went to a routine OB appointment and heard the three words that no expectant mother ever wants to hear, "There's no heartbeat." I have cried so many tears since then. I heard many times that time will make it easier. Yes, that is true. I don't cry every time I think of the baby that I never held. However, not a day goes by that I don't think of him or her. There are so many "what ifs" that can be said here but I won't. I think back to the pain I felt going through the loss, both physical and emotional and know that it made me a stronger person. When I was at my lowest I never would have believed that in a short year I would be 29 weeks pregnant.

Lucy is moving so much these days. Just a short time ago her movements were just little bumps and flutters. Now they are full on kicks. I was in a meeting at work Monday morning and she gave me a good kick in the side. One of those that makes you jump and lose your breath for a split second. I grabbed my side and just smiled. My boss stopped talking and just laughed. I LOVE feeling her move and never get tired of it. I told Tommy tonight that I am amazed at how quickly her movements became more noticeable. I said I can tell there is an actual human in there now instead of giant worms or some alien like creature. It seemed like the transition was overnight. She is very noticeably human now. Her little butt and feet poke out the side of my stomach and it makes me smile and giggle every time. I'll endure the pain in my ribs because I know that means she is strong and healthy. It is all getting very real.

My mom gave me one of my shower gifts early this weekend. She bought us some of our cloth diapers. I was so excited to get them. I got to show them off to everyone that was not quiet sure about the whole cloth diapering thing. Everyone was surprised at how different they are than what they thought of a cloth diaper. They are so stinking cute! Sure there are still some people who have their doubts. I do realize that it is an adjustment. There are going to be challenges no matter what kind of diaper I put on my child's rear. I get frustrated when people think I'm naive and don't realize "what I'm getting into." I'm not just talking about diapers. I feel sometimes like people think I'm a young uneducated person that knows nothing. Sure, I have never had a child of my own. Sure, there are going to be times where I feel lost and need help. I realize all of these things. However, I do not need to be constantly reminded of that. I am looking forward to motherhood more than I ever thought I would. I am just tired of hearing all of the negative aspects of it. I have been waiting to have a child now for about two years. I have been through so many ups and downs. It is time to focus on the positives. I didn't expect this post to turn into a rant about the comments I have gotten lately. Most of the comments have come for people I don't even know. I guess they have gotten to me more than I realize.

All I can say is that a year ago I would have given anything to make those three words go away. I wanted everything to be different. I know now that God had other plans for us. Our little one is gone but never forgotten. I just wanted to take this opportunity to remember our little angel. Also, I want to say thank you for everyone who has been so supportive throughout the healing process. I would not be where I am right now without your help.

Wow, this post did not go at all where I thought it would. That is why I love blogging. I can get my thoughts out there and out of my head. I must end now so that I can pack. For the next two days I will be away for a work conference. I'm really not looking forward to sitting in all day meetings. Yuck.

little flutters

Around Thanksgiving I started to feel little flutters in my belly. I wasn't sure if it was Lucy at first. Now I am feeling her on a regular basis. The movements are still not that strong, but it is for sure baby. Tommy has been anxious to feel her as well. Every night he puts his hand on my belly hoping for something. On Tuesday night she was really moving around. I told Tommy and he quickly put his hand on my tummy. It wasn't long before he felt his daughter move for the first time. It was magical. We looked at one another and smiled. What a wonderful little moment in our lives. For that one little millisecond everything was okay and life was good.

Not a day goes by when I don't thank God for the miracle that is growing inside of me but I can't help but rewind to this time last year. I was pregnant. Life was good. I did not know what the future held. Today I was doing a yearly home visit with a client. One of the first things she said when I sat down was, "You had a baby right?" Wow, I was not prepared for that one at all. I was shocked that she even remembered. I went on to explain what had happened and that I was again expecting as I gently rubbed my expanding tummy. I am constantly amazed at how sharing my experience can actually be comforting. I have had several clients tell me about their own experiences of loss. We are generations apart but we are women talking about a very tender time in our lives and I find comfort in that. So, while I am over the moon excited about the little one fluttering in my tummy I still think about the other child that was once in there and I never got to hold. Life is full of changes and surprises around each and every corner. I am trying to learn to embrace these surprises and changes and to not let them rock the boat too much.

12 weeks 1 day

I'm almost at the end of the first trimester. Hopefully that means I will be feeling better soon. I have been sleeping a little better. I accredit that mostly to the Snoogle. My awesome mom got one for me a few weeks ago. It took me no time at all to fall asleep that first night. All night I don't think I moved a muscle. Barbie is not so sure about the new addition to our sleeping arrangements. She can't get as close to me as she normally does. For that same reason Tommy is not so fond of the pillow either. For me though it is totally worth it.

Another comfort item that I have added to my daily routine is maternity pants. Ah, yes the large expanding waistband. Love it! Although to date I have still only lost weight my body is slowly changing and I even have a little bit of a baby belly (as one of my co-workers so kindly pointed out a few weeks ago.) Tommy and I hit a major sale one day and I bought some work pants. I had them altered and viola my work wardrobe is comfortable again.

Tommy has been so supportive these past few weeks when I've been feeling not up to par. He has been cooking a lot of our meals. This week he is back on afternoons so I guess that means I'm back to fending for myself. That wouldn't be so bad if I actually had an appetite. When it is time to eat I stand in the kitchen and almost cry (actually did cry one night) because nothing at all sounds good or even looks appetizing. Sure there are those times when I get so hungry that I need food NOW. Most of the time, especially in the morning, I have to force myself to eat. I guess this is just all part of the miracle of creating life. I just want to be as healthy as possible for my baby.

As I end this trimester I have been thinking a lot about my last pregnancy. At this point last time I had no idea anything was wrong. No idea that the child I carried in my womb was no longer alive. For that reason I have not been able to rest easy with any little cramp or pain I feel. The other night as I tried to fall asleep I was having some pain in my right side. I cried and told Tommy that I can't go through "that" again. All I can do for now is rest in the fact that God is in control and wait for my next appointment for some reassurance. I still think of the child we lost on a daily basis. I'm guessing that will continue for some time. The pain is easier, but still there and still VERY real...

shingles and such

Wow, it has been a long time since I last posted. Things have been a little more busy around here than normal. At the end of the day I have not had the energy to put into blogging.

Tommy and I went to Springfield, MO a few weekends ago. I wanted to be out of town for my "due date". We had a really good time just being together. While we were there we did some shopping and ate some good food. Tommy got to experience the Bass Pro Shops store for the first time. We manage to go there twice. It was so nice to be out of town and have my mind on things other than the fact that we were not getting to meet our little one face to face. When we got home that Sunday I told Tommy that I wasn't as emotional as I thought I would be. He just smiled and said I guess the trip worked then didn't it. Yes it did.

Last weekend my dad, our neighbor, Tommy, Jimmy and my brothers put a new roof on our house. That was a project that was long overdue. From day one of moving in here my dad, and our neighbor, said that the house needed a new roof. I was so nervous all weekend worried about rain. They worked all weekend long on it and the results are wonderful. Yesterday the truck full of shingles got taken to the dump. There are still a ton of small pieces in the driveway to be picked up. We'll get to them eventually. Our house looks so much better. I really didn't like the color of the old roof. I never even paid attention shingles before now. As I drive around now I find myself checking out the condition of other roofs in town. Yes, I lead an exciting life.

I must say that emotionally I'm doing much better than I have been in the last few months. I think that the chaos of everyday life has helped with that. For now we are just doing our best to stay positive. I think that Tommy and I have grown so much closer as a couple through the experience of losing a baby. I'm glad to have him by my side. I can't imagine having anyone else there...

28 short years ago

I showed this picture to Tommy this morning and he asked who took it. I told him I didn't know, but asked if he knew who it was. He studied it for a moment and said, "Well, I guess your mom but it really looks like you." I've been told that many times.

Twenty eight years ago at 6:45 p.m. I came into this world. I was even born on a Thursday. My mom looks so happy here finally able to hold her first born. Wow. What a feeling I'm sure. I look like I'm taking it all in with my little hand under my chin.

Today I have thought a lot about being a mom and the privilege it really is. I know how much I have grieved over the loss of our baby and how badly we want to be parents. It makes me appreciate my parents even more. Without their love and willingness to bring me into this world I would not be the person I am today. I am a better person because of them. My mom is always there for me. She was there for me last year on my birthday when my Dr. decided that he needed to do a lumbar puncture on me right then. She was also there for me on the darkest day, the day I found out there was no longer a heartbeat inside of me. My dad is always there as well, he is just much more quiet about his ways. If something goes wrong around the house I often don't turn to Tommy I want to know what dad thinks. I think this sometimes annoys Tommy. It's difficult to stop that habit though because my father is one of those guys who can fix everything. I'm lucky to have parents that have stayed together through it all and raised my brothers and I in a loving home. Thank you mom and dad for everything...

On another note, I now have the honor of sharing my birthday with my new niece. Tommy's sister had her this morning by C-section. He talked with her it sounds like everyone is doing great. I have even see a picture of her thanks to the technology of picture messaging! She is tiny any beautiful. We will be able to meet her in a few weeks. While I'm excited for their family, I also cried for about 15 minutes after he hung up the phone because I was sad. I have a feeling those "crying" moments are going to come and go as the next week gets here. I will push through and come out on top.

feather pillows

I finally made reservations for our "getaway" next weekend. I found a hotel that I was happy with and was going to book online. As I read through the website I noticed they were proud to offer down pillows. The only downfall of the place so far. I decided to call the hotel directly to book. Ashleigh was very nice and didn't laugh at me when I told her I need a pillow that was feather free. She said, "You mean like foam?" Yes, that would be great. Anything but feathers. I always take my own pillow, but just being around the other feather pillows is usually enough to set my allergies off and make me miserable. I do not want a repeat of our trip to Vegas last year. I had a really hard time enjoying myself all drugged up on allergy meds. Now that we have a place to sleep I can finally look forward to our weekend away! It is going to be a weekend for us to spend some much needed quality time together. We plan to visit the "original" Bass Pro store, eat, sleep, swim, shop and sleep some more. I think it will be good for us to spend some time away from home to regroup.

Next Friday is/was my due date. So hard to believe that I would be so close to holding my little one. I look back on the past several months and I really feel like the time has went by quickly. I'm doing better day by day. Everyone said I would. Most days I didn't believe them. I do not know what the future holds for us and I am trying hard to come to terms with that. We have started to talk about "what if" we are not going to have a baby. Now, I realize how this sounds, but it is a feeling that I have had most of my life. When I was younger I did not know if I ever wanted children. It was not until I met and fell in love with Tommy that I was 100% sure that I wanted children. Now the desire to be a mother often consumes my daily thoughts. Funny how life works? Like I have said before, I do not know what God has planned for us. I continue to have faith and know that His plans are perfect and in His time it will all work out, one way or another.

I want to take an opportunity to thank everyone who has been there for me throughout these past months. Your kind words both written and spoken have carried me through the dark days. No words can express the love I have felt from everyone. Some I have never even met face to face. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

stormy weather make me think

It's storming tonight. We have not seen a storm like this in a while. It seemed to come out of nowhere. Isn't just how life is? The wind was blowing like crazy and the lightening and thunder was constant. Tommy was glued to the weather channel. I used to enjoy storms but now not so much. I told Tommy they were more exciting when I didn't have to worry about my house and everything in it. Funny how life changes as we get older.

I have been coping fairly well lately. Last week I had a few nights of crying but overall things are looking up. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my little one. As my "due date" gets even closer I find it difficult to not feel sad. I honestly thought I would be pregnant again at this point. It is so hard to not dwell on the fact that I am not. I worry that maybe the baby I lost will be the only one I will ever be blessed with. I do not know what God holds for my future and I am trying to be patient. That is a lesson I really struggle with. I feel like I have let Tommy down. I know he will be such an amazing father and I want so bad to give him that opportunity. As each day passes we grow closer and I appreciate him more. I thank God for bringing us together and I feel so blessed to be his wife. He loves me more than I ever imagined being loved. I know that I have been difficult to live with/understand for the past five months and he has been right there the entire time.

I still get the pitter-patter feelings when I'm around him. He makes me laugh and that has been so crucial to me getting through each day. I also appreciate him working so hard in this brutal heat. When his co-workers go home early because of the heat, he stays. I tell him over and over he does not have to do that, but he does. Hopefully the next few months will continue to improve. No matter what I know I have my best friend by my side.

Here is a poem that says a lot of what I am feeling right now. I came across it on this website. I can not even begin to imagine what this family is dealing with right now...

Please Be Gentle

By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and screamed repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

unexpected visitors: some good, some bad

This weekend I had an unexpected phone call from a friend I had not seen in a really long time. My friend Michelle called and said that she and her husband were going to be in town and would like to stop by. I met Michelle at Eastern when we were in grad school together. We had a lot of good times. It was nice to visit with her and Jestun. Unfortunately we didn't get to visit very long because Tommy and I had plans for the evening. Hopefully we can get together again soon.

It is always nice to reconnect in person. Emails and phone calls are nice, but seeing one another is so much better. I have not been very good about staying in contact with my friends near and far lately. I always think that I'm going to "be better about it" but that just does not happen. Honestly I think I have become somewhat of a hermit lately. Since I lost the baby I find myself just wanting to stay close to home. I guess I just want to feel sorry for myself and mope. I was pretty down this weekend (I had another unexpected/unwanted visitor on Saturday.) It was a good thing that I had plans for both Friday and Saturday nights. This prevented me from just sitting around the house crying. Apparently my body is still not ready. I guess I just have to be okay with that and be patient. Yeah, like I have much of that. I find myself in a much better mood after I get out and do something, anything. I suppose I just need to get my butt out of the house more. I can't change the past and dwelling on it is not doing me any good. I'm really looking forward to seeing Kimberly and Sondra in a few weekends! Hopefully that is enough to get me through the next few weeks.

warm weather and nothingness

I ran across this picture of a much younger me sporting my strawberry 'kini. Ah, those were the days...

It's been too long since my last blog. I wish I could say that I have been off on some amazing vacation but that would be a lie. My life has not been much different lately. I go to work, come home, eat supper and go to sleep. That's pretty much it. Emotionally I have been better. I think about my little one every day and ache because of him/her. At least it is not consuming my every thought anymore.


Tommy and I are "trying" again. I was just so sure that we would get it on the first try but that didn't happen. I ended up going through an entire box of pregnancy tests a few weeks ago. I tested very early because I could not stand it. Tommy kept telling me to wait until day 18 post ovulation to see if my temperature was still high but I couldn't do that, impatient much?. It was disappointing to keep seeing only one line. I was just so sure that it would happen. Alas, here I sit anxiously waiting to start the whole pregnancy thing over again. I don't look forward to the morning sickness but it is all so worth it.

My garden is doing well. The unexpected pumpkin vine is ginormous. Seriously. I have never grown one before so I have no idea what to expect. Tommy has been busy fixing up our boat. It is the boat that my parents got when I was little. I have so many fond memeories of family outings on that boat. My grandpa used it for several years and then it has been resting at my brothers. Tommy got it a few weeks ago and has been working on getting it water ready at a friend's house. I'm somewhat excited to see the finished product. It will be fun for us to have a little boat to go out on and go fishing. Summer is finally here and that makes me happy. I'm looking forward to the 4th of July weekend and a day off. We don't have any plans as of right now other than a little block party with some of my neighbors tomorrow night. I hope that everyone has a safe and fun-filled 4th!

some days are better than others

It is a perfect day outside. My neighbors are out working in their yards, playing with the kids, washing their cars and all I want to do is sit inside and cry. I thought I was doing better. I had not been really done in a few weeks. The past couple of days though have been difficult. I just want to sit and cry. My house looks like a tornado went through it. Laundry is piled up and I don't even care. Why, after 3 months does it still hurt so much? I find myself avoiding anything to do with babies. Tomorrow, we are supposed to go up to my cousin's house to celebrate Father's Day with my family. One of my cousin's is pregnant and due in August. I do not want to go. Not the way I have been feeling. I've never been one to avoid people and situation. I love my family and enjoy spending time with them. It is so difficult though to be around someone and not feel the emptiness inside. The jealously. I don't think my family really understands.

Evidently this is one of those down times that is bound to happen in the grief process. It sucks though. It sucks to not feel like yourself. People tell me I'm strong. I doesn't seem like that though. Why am I blogging all of this? Because I can. Because I want the encouragement and prayers from those who read. I need that right now. When I sit down at the keyboard I never know what is going to come out. Blogging=therapy for me.

Tommy has been on the afternoon shift for the past 2 weeks. That means I'm home alone in the evenings. I try to stay busy with my gardens and making jewelry. Today I was looking forward to him being home. I woke up a little before 9 and he wasn't in bed. I went out to the living room and found an empty couch. When I looked outside his truck was gone. My first thought was that he went to get me an iced coffee from McDonald's (I'm hooked on them right now and the nearest Starbucks is about an hour away). Twenty minutes later I figured he must have decided to go to work. Maybe he kissed me by and told me where he was going, but I don't remember it at all. That makes me sad. I feel like we never get to spend time together. I just want to get out of the house and do something fun, with him. Just us. Not worrying about the laundry, the bills, the high gas prices or our child that we never got to meet. He called a little while ago from work. He said that he could come home now if I wanted him too. I told him to do whatever he wanted. I'm pretty sure he's on his way here right now. Hopefully we can find something fun to do outside to enjoy this gorgeous day that God has given us.

I know that in a few days I'll feel better. This slump will not last forever. For now though, I'm doing what I can to climb my way back out...

clouds are lifting

Well, apparently my optic nerve is no longer swollen. The blurred vision on the bottom and inner part of my eye are most likely a deficit that I will just have to deal with. The super neurologist was just that, super. She took her time with me and asked me a ton of questions. She sat down with Tommy and I and really got to know what was going on with me. The appointment lasted around 2 hours. When it was all said and done she sat down with us and said that she did not see anything to be worried about. She did not see any swelling at all. She said that the MRI looked fine and showed no lesions. There was not really anything that she could say as to why the swelling had occurred. According to the report from my lumbar puncture from September the initial pressure was a little higher than normal. Perhaps there was some increased pressure that caused the swelling and it took this long for it to go away? She also said that it appeared that my optic nerve was elevated. From what I understood that basically means that one side is a little higher than the other. Normally they are flat against your eyeball, but mine appears to be a bit higher on one side. I guess some people are just born that way. She is going to send the report to my Dr.s and she suggested that I see my eye specialist in 6 months for a check up. If I notice any new symptoms she said that I should call my Dr.

All in all it was a good day and I feel the trip was worth it. I was just relieved as soon as she said that she did not see any swelling. We talked about the loss of the baby and she did not seem to think that there was anything related. Where does this put us now? I don't really know. I do know that on my way to work today I felt totally different than I had in a long time. It sounds trite and cliche but everything looked different, like the clouds are starting to lift. My heart still aches each time I see someone with a new baby or a pregnant belly. I know that ache will not soon go away. My heart hurts for the baby that should be moving about in my belly right now. All I can do for now is hope that everything is in fact okay with me and that my body is slowly getting ready to do some cupcake baking.

Thank you to everyone for all the thoughts and prayers. We really felt them yesterday. I was calm for most of the day (despite the mishap where I programmed the wrong address into the navigation system and ended up at the wrong clinic). All in all it was a good day for Tommy and I to spend together. He has been working so much lately that we do not get to spend too much time together.

Here is to new beginnings and a new fresher outlook on life.

family time

The busyness of life has taken me in this last week. It has been good for me to stay busy and not just sit and think. I have spent some time with my great Uncle and with friends. Work is crazy busy (hello huge stacks of charts on my desk) and I'm enjoying it for some strange reason. I was touched this week by 3 very different clients I went to see. That is really a whole other post that I do not have time for now.


Today my family is heading to the St. Louis Zoo to spend some time together for Mother's day. I'll be honest, this has been a difficult week/weekend for me to think about. I long to be a mom that can hold her child and celebrate the joy that it is to share that mother/child bond. I keep telling myself that I am a mom. I love the baby that I lost more than I can even put into words and that is why it hurts so much. Today I get to spend the day with my niece Clara. It is always bittersweet for me. I enjoy being with her but can't help to feel the tinge of jealously for the relationship that she shares with her mommy, sorry Mindi. I love you both and am so blessed to have you in my life. Enough of this sappy stuff, I need to get ready!!

the race

I have been sitting in front of my computer now for at least 30 minutes thinking about what I want to say. The truth is that I don't know. I find comfort in blogging, I think I have written about that before. Sometimes I just need to get thoughts and feelings out. There is so much going through my head that I am just not able to sort out. I do not have a good grasp on life right now. The days come and go and I feel like life is happening around me, not to me. It is difficult to explain, but I'm sure everyone has been through this before. I'm still hurting. I feel like "society" thinks I should move on and feel better by now, but I can't. I had life inside of me and now it is gone. There was a heartbeat. Now it is gone. It is really difficult to understand why. Only HE knows why.

A few weeks ago a fellow blogger introduced me to a new blog to add to my growing list of reads. It has been a source of inspiration and comfort to me. I am humbled by Angie's way of worshiping God through a time of hurt. It is an incredible story and I encourage you to read her blog. Here is a video about their story that has also touched me. It is rather long, but if the blog speaks to you then I would recommend watching it as well.

I know that we all go through the grief process in different ways. It is frustrating to me that I hurt as much as I do. I want to feel better. I know that I need to give myself time and allow myself to hurt. That is all part of the process. (A special little lady told me that:) Someday the hurt will not be as sharp. Someday I will look back on this time as one of life's lessons. I just want someday to come soon.

Yesterday I had the privilege to play mom to four of my cousins for the evening. As I watched Kennah run the 800, (I think), I snapped a few pictures. I uploaded them tonight and it made me think about how life really is like a race. We are always looking forward to the next thing, graduations, marriage, jobs, families, etc. After I graduated High School, it was on to college. After grad school, it was racing to get a job. Next, came the house and marriage. Everything was God's timing and seemed to fall perfectly into place. The next natural lap in the race was starting a family. Then that stupid hurdle got in the way. I fell down, skinned my knee and got the wind knocked out of me. Now I guess I'm at that point in the race when I need to pick myself back up, wipe the dirt off, take a deep breath and get on with the race. That is the hardest part.

We do not always come in first. Kennah came in 3rd last night. That is something to be proud of. It gives us something to strive for when we are not first, something to work towards. I pray that I can be more faithful in my prayer life and my time with God. I find comfort in knowing that God is by my side during this race. He is sitting right there by me on the ground, waiting for me to wipe of the dirt. I know that even though I have been upset by all of this He loves me no matter what. I also gain comfort in knowing that my baby is in Heaven worshiping the great Healer. One of my Aunts sent me a card a few weeks ago. She wrote a few lines to let us know that we are in her thoughts. There is one line that I keep going back to: "Draw comfort in knowing that a precious soul will be waiting for you in heaven." Wow. It makes me cry every time.

I never got to hold my child, but that does not make him/her any less important to my life or to God. For now I will rest knowing that my child is safe and not in any pain. This crazy race does not stop just because we fall down. In those times it actually seems to speed up.

I guess it is time for me to stop typing nonsense and get back to living life. I think I need to think about making some supper, my tummy is growling! Thank you again and again to everyone out there for the thoughts and prayers. They make these down times much easier to get through.