stormy weather make me think

It's storming tonight. We have not seen a storm like this in a while. It seemed to come out of nowhere. Isn't just how life is? The wind was blowing like crazy and the lightening and thunder was constant. Tommy was glued to the weather channel. I used to enjoy storms but now not so much. I told Tommy they were more exciting when I didn't have to worry about my house and everything in it. Funny how life changes as we get older.

I have been coping fairly well lately. Last week I had a few nights of crying but overall things are looking up. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my little one. As my "due date" gets even closer I find it difficult to not feel sad. I honestly thought I would be pregnant again at this point. It is so hard to not dwell on the fact that I am not. I worry that maybe the baby I lost will be the only one I will ever be blessed with. I do not know what God holds for my future and I am trying to be patient. That is a lesson I really struggle with. I feel like I have let Tommy down. I know he will be such an amazing father and I want so bad to give him that opportunity. As each day passes we grow closer and I appreciate him more. I thank God for bringing us together and I feel so blessed to be his wife. He loves me more than I ever imagined being loved. I know that I have been difficult to live with/understand for the past five months and he has been right there the entire time.

I still get the pitter-patter feelings when I'm around him. He makes me laugh and that has been so crucial to me getting through each day. I also appreciate him working so hard in this brutal heat. When his co-workers go home early because of the heat, he stays. I tell him over and over he does not have to do that, but he does. Hopefully the next few months will continue to improve. No matter what I know I have my best friend by my side.

Here is a poem that says a lot of what I am feeling right now. I came across it on this website. I can not even begin to imagine what this family is dealing with right now...

Please Be Gentle

By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and screamed repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?