20 months

Things around the Moxey house have been a bit stressful lately.  Tommy's lay off was extended until March.  I'm trying my best to stay positive and enjoy the little everyday things.  I thought I would share a bit of Lucy cuteness with everyone.  Here is a little video I took the other day. 

two years ago

Two years ago today-

The rug was pulled out from under me.  The life that Tommy and I created was suddenly gone.  At that time I had no idea if I would ever become a mom again.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  It was really hard for me to see beyond the hurt that I was feeling in that moment.  The seven months that passed between losing our child and finding out I was pregnant with Lucy were rough.  I can remember feeling like I was in a fog.  Life was just happening around me.  Looking back on that time I'm thankful that I had seven months to heal.  I needed that time so that I could be the best mom possible for Lucy.  Today my heart still aches for the child that I never held. I suppose that ache will lessen even more with time.  Lucy has made that ache easier to deal with.

Two years ago today-

I had no idea that I would soon be the proud momma to a beautiful, blue-eyed, strong willed little girl.  Lucy is now ten months old and I wonder where the time has gone.  I'm making plans for her first birthday party and I wonder how that is possible.  She has such a strong personality and that is coming out more and more with each day.  She has her momma's strong will and stubbornness.  We have so much fun with her.  Now that she is crawling she is all over the place exploring the world around her.  She gives me lots of kisses, but is stingy when it comes to giving her daddy kisses. I keep telling him that it has to do with the facial hair. Our lives are filled with joy because of her and I can't imagine what things were like before her. 

a year ago

It has been a year ago today that I went to a routine OB appointment and heard the three words that no expectant mother ever wants to hear, "There's no heartbeat." I have cried so many tears since then. I heard many times that time will make it easier. Yes, that is true. I don't cry every time I think of the baby that I never held. However, not a day goes by that I don't think of him or her. There are so many "what ifs" that can be said here but I won't. I think back to the pain I felt going through the loss, both physical and emotional and know that it made me a stronger person. When I was at my lowest I never would have believed that in a short year I would be 29 weeks pregnant.

Lucy is moving so much these days. Just a short time ago her movements were just little bumps and flutters. Now they are full on kicks. I was in a meeting at work Monday morning and she gave me a good kick in the side. One of those that makes you jump and lose your breath for a split second. I grabbed my side and just smiled. My boss stopped talking and just laughed. I LOVE feeling her move and never get tired of it. I told Tommy tonight that I am amazed at how quickly her movements became more noticeable. I said I can tell there is an actual human in there now instead of giant worms or some alien like creature. It seemed like the transition was overnight. She is very noticeably human now. Her little butt and feet poke out the side of my stomach and it makes me smile and giggle every time. I'll endure the pain in my ribs because I know that means she is strong and healthy. It is all getting very real.

My mom gave me one of my shower gifts early this weekend. She bought us some of our cloth diapers. I was so excited to get them. I got to show them off to everyone that was not quiet sure about the whole cloth diapering thing. Everyone was surprised at how different they are than what they thought of a cloth diaper. They are so stinking cute! Sure there are still some people who have their doubts. I do realize that it is an adjustment. There are going to be challenges no matter what kind of diaper I put on my child's rear. I get frustrated when people think I'm naive and don't realize "what I'm getting into." I'm not just talking about diapers. I feel sometimes like people think I'm a young uneducated person that knows nothing. Sure, I have never had a child of my own. Sure, there are going to be times where I feel lost and need help. I realize all of these things. However, I do not need to be constantly reminded of that. I am looking forward to motherhood more than I ever thought I would. I am just tired of hearing all of the negative aspects of it. I have been waiting to have a child now for about two years. I have been through so many ups and downs. It is time to focus on the positives. I didn't expect this post to turn into a rant about the comments I have gotten lately. Most of the comments have come for people I don't even know. I guess they have gotten to me more than I realize.

All I can say is that a year ago I would have given anything to make those three words go away. I wanted everything to be different. I know now that God had other plans for us. Our little one is gone but never forgotten. I just wanted to take this opportunity to remember our little angel. Also, I want to say thank you for everyone who has been so supportive throughout the healing process. I would not be where I am right now without your help.

Wow, this post did not go at all where I thought it would. That is why I love blogging. I can get my thoughts out there and out of my head. I must end now so that I can pack. For the next two days I will be away for a work conference. I'm really not looking forward to sitting in all day meetings. Yuck.

just checking in

This post will be short because I burned my fingers earlier tonight. I lifted the lid off the kettle in the oven to check supper. I angled it the wrong way and burned my two of my fingers on the steam. Yeah, it still hurts, BAD.

I just wanted to write a quick post to say that I'm still here. Life has been somewhat hectic lately. It has thrown a lot at us lately and we are doing our best to work through it all. I won't get into everything on this blog, at least not at this time. I will say that Tommy and I have had to face a situation that I never thought we would have to. We could really use continued prayers as we work through things. If you want to know how to specifically pray for us, send me an email and I'll fill you in.

Everything with the pregnancy is going good. Lucy is getting stronger. I was trying to explain to Tommy what it feels like to feel her move. All I could come up with at the time was that it feels like a giant worm twisting around. He gave me a strange look. I guess it is different for every woman and every pregnancy. This weekend Tommy was off for a few days. We were able to get some things hung up in her room. Her room is coming together and we are so excited about it.

It seems that all of the sudden I'm in the 3rd trimester. Wow. Everything seems to be going so fast now. I'm finding that everyday things are getting more difficult for me. Tommy and I spent some time this weekend looking for a new front load washing machine. After only two stores I was exhausted. My body lets me know when it is time to rest. Tommy is being so supportive and watches my every move. He makes sure I'm drinking and eating enough, two things I still struggle with. I feel so blessed to have him by my side.

Well, I'll end this post here as I need to refill washcloth with some ice cubes. I hope that everyone is doing well.

little flutters

Around Thanksgiving I started to feel little flutters in my belly. I wasn't sure if it was Lucy at first. Now I am feeling her on a regular basis. The movements are still not that strong, but it is for sure baby. Tommy has been anxious to feel her as well. Every night he puts his hand on my belly hoping for something. On Tuesday night she was really moving around. I told Tommy and he quickly put his hand on my tummy. It wasn't long before he felt his daughter move for the first time. It was magical. We looked at one another and smiled. What a wonderful little moment in our lives. For that one little millisecond everything was okay and life was good.

Not a day goes by when I don't thank God for the miracle that is growing inside of me but I can't help but rewind to this time last year. I was pregnant. Life was good. I did not know what the future held. Today I was doing a yearly home visit with a client. One of the first things she said when I sat down was, "You had a baby right?" Wow, I was not prepared for that one at all. I was shocked that she even remembered. I went on to explain what had happened and that I was again expecting as I gently rubbed my expanding tummy. I am constantly amazed at how sharing my experience can actually be comforting. I have had several clients tell me about their own experiences of loss. We are generations apart but we are women talking about a very tender time in our lives and I find comfort in that. So, while I am over the moon excited about the little one fluttering in my tummy I still think about the other child that was once in there and I never got to hold. Life is full of changes and surprises around each and every corner. I am trying to learn to embrace these surprises and changes and to not let them rock the boat too much.

another green room

I like to be in control of things. It makes me nervous to have other people do things for me, especially when it comes to Tommy doing them. So, when I came home today and found him in the baby's room with a paint brush in his hand you can imagine my reaction. What are you doing? Do you know what you are doing? I thought you were going to wait until my mom could help you?

His prompt response (in a deep, manly, and kind of silly voice) was: "I'm a man. I can do things on my own. Let me paint my daughter's room."

Something about hearing him say "my daughter" made my heart melt and I forgot all about the lack of control I have over the situation. This whole pregnancy thing has forced me to be a little more chilled out about things. I guess that is just a lesson I needed to learn sooner or later...

I'll lend you my ear

Taken today at my grandma's.
There are days where I wake up and want nothing more than to shut off the alarm and stay in bed. Lately there have been more of those days. Today was one. My late night shopping trip wore me out. I remember those days at EIU when I was able to stay up until the wee hours finishing that paper or studying for that test I had put off until the last possible minute. I have fond memories of playing Tetris in lieu of studying. If I remember right, Kimberly may even have the evidence capture on VHS. I digress. I made it to work on time, somehow. Slowly I started my day deciding which chart to attack first. Oh the paperwork. Why must the state have so much paperwork? Why must we kill so many trees on a daily basis?

My morning was not all that bad. I left for lunch early so that I could get out and do an unexpected home visit. I was going to do it after my 2 already scheduled visits but decided to squeeze it in early. When I called to let them know I was coming early the son said, "Oh, bless you. I know you are busy. I really appreciate it." Ha. Just doing my job, sir. After that I went to see a client of mine that has been on our service since '96. Her home is aging with her and slowly falling apart. There are creatures large and small in there. I tried my best to not pay attention to the little dog licking my toes, but it was difficult to concentrate. She told me about her problems and I listened. We talked about her current service and add some things to help her out. As I was trying to leave she thanked me for everything we do for her and that she "doesn't know what she would do without the help." She gave me a hug (believe it or not she is shorter than me) and I told her she was welcome. My last client is what one would call a talker. I sat and listened to her stories and everything that has happened to her family lately: sickness, death, financial issues.

As I sat there I could not help but think that I am blessed. I have a job that allows me to go into homes of those who are in need. They have so many needs that I can not meet, but there is one thing I can do and that is to listen. How many people get to do that and get paid? Sure I ask them tons of questions and make them sign even more pieces of papers. Most of all though I listen and try my best to show them that I care about what it is they are going through and if there is any way at all I can help them out I will. My last client ran over a little and I didn't get back to work until after it was "quitting" time. Oh, well. If I made one person feel a little better today by letting some things out then I feel like I did my job. The paperwork can wait.

So, the moral of the story? When the alarm goes off and I don't want to get out of bed I'm going to try to remember days like today when I feel like I just might have mattered a little to someone out there. I know that I chose the right field. When I graduated high school 10 years ago I had no idea what Gerontology was. I never would imagine that I would some day earn my Masters degree in the field. God's hand was completely in this one.

I'll end my post with a picture of me showing off my rather large zucchini plants. Can you tell I'm proud of them?

can't take much more

Here it is the day before my big appointment with the "super" neurologist. When the appointment was scheduled it seemed like it was a long way off. I ended up taking a 1/2 day today. I could not concentrate. It really had nothing to do with the appointment tomorrow. It had everything to do with so many things going wrong that cost money, money that is there, but needs to be saved for a new ROOF. First it was Tommy's truck getting backed into at work. They didn't leave a note, nice. That still is not fixed. Waiting on insurance. Then it was the water heater. Now, it is my car. My lovely little car with all the fun little "extras" that I never thought I would have.

Last Friday I had to take my uncle to the Dr. It was really warm so I turned on the AC, at least I attempted to. Yeah, it didn't work. What the crap? I thought for sure I was missing something. Maybe I was just too blonde to figure out how to work the controls? Nope, it wasn't me. Great. I called the dealership and they got me in today. I got a call sometime this morning telling me that it was the evaporator or something like that and it would be around $850 to fix it and it was out of warranty. What? No, you are kidding. No, he was every bit serious. He proceeded to tell me called and talked with Chrysler and they will be paying for all of it but $250. Okay, but what about the fact that I JUST GOT THE CAR. Sure we checked it out before we signed on the dotted line, but it was the middle of February and it was stinking cold and of course the air seemed cold that was blowing out of the vents. "It could have just happened last week for all we know." That does not exactly make me feel any better about it. I asked to speak to someone. I got the owner of the dealership. Let's just say that he was rather condescending to me and I ended up with tears in my eyes because I was so frustrated/upset/stressed/(feeling like a dumb girl?). He basically said of course they check out the vehicles before they sell them blah, blah, I didn't buy a new vehicle, blah, blah, money doesn't grow on trees. He actually said that to me. Like I don't know that already. I realize that Mr. "I drive a big SUV because I own a dealership" but $250 to me is a lot of money right now. I have medical bills that are yet to be seen (don't know what tomorrow will bring) and I need a new roof! I told them that I needed the car for tomorrow and to just order the part and call me when it comes in. I walked over to get the car so I could go home (I work next door to the dealership) and I was glad I didn't have to talk to mean SUV guy.

On my way home I had to stop by the hospital and pick up the MRI films of my brain to take tomorrow. I thought they would be on a CD, instead I'm handed this huge envelope that is rather heavy. I hesitated expecting her to tell me that it was $50 for the copies or something. Nope first set free. After that it is only $5. That seems like a pretty good deal. Ha. It is a weird feeling carrying images of such a vital part of your insides. It was so good to pull in the driveway and see my cute hubby and puppy sitting outside waiting for me. I have spent the afternoon doing nothing. It has rained/stormed twice and now it is sunny. I hope I can sleep okay tonight. I'm more nervous about finding Carle Clinic than the appointment at this point. I hope that she can tell me something, anything tomorrow. My eye has really been bothering me lately.

baby bird

A few days ago, Tommy and I discovered a baby robin in our yard. I was worried one of the neighborhood cats would get it, but so far so good. When the rain finally broke this evening I decided to try to get a few pictures of it. Right when I walked out the door I saw momma flying down to tend to her baby. When I got closer I realized the poor thing was all wet. I felt like I should try to dry him off. I suppose that his momma is taking care of him and he will be alright as soon as he can fly. I'm just glad that she is staying by his side, rain or shine. Isn't that how we all should be? No matter what the weather is like, we need to stay by the ones we love, caring for them. Funny how nature can give us subtle reminders.