it started with a trickle and ended with a wail

On Saturday, May 9th, 2009 I woke up around 7:30 and took the dogs outside. Since it was Saturday morning and I was really pregnant I decided that I would just go back to bed for a little while longer. Tommy had worked the night before and would be home around 9:00 so I thought I would just hang out in bed until he got home. I fell asleep watching Nickelodeon cartoons as usual for a Saturday morning and woke again at 8:45. I got out of bed faster than usual and as soon as I put my feet on the ground I felt something. There was something trickling down my compression socked feet. "Hmmm, I wonder if my water just broke?" I thought to myself. I just blew it off thinking I was just wishing that were the case. I went to the bathroom and there was more. (sorry if this is TMI but there will most likely be more of that in this post) Now I was really thinking that something was up. I started to panic a little. I immediately called Kimberly. Josh answered the phone and I told him that I really hated to bother her because I knew she was having a yard sale but I really needed to talk to Kimberly. She got on the phone and I explained what had happened. We talked for a few moments and decided that I should wait to see if I "leaked" more. I walked into the bathroom and there was for sure more fluid. We decided that I should call my Dr.'s office. Before I called the Dr. I called to check in with Tommy. I asked where he was and he said he was not too far away. I told him that was good because I was pretty sure that my water had broken and we were going to have a baby soon. Next, I quickly dialed the number for my Dr. and before I knew it was I explaining to the nurse what had happened. She agreed that my membranes had ruptured and I was going into labor. She said that she would call the hospital and let them know I was on the way. She asked if I had someone to drive me and I just chuckled and said, "Actually my husband is just getting home from working midnights." Perfect timing we agreed. I remember telling her that "this is not supposed to happen." She laughed at me and told me that it would have happened eventually. I agreed with her, but I just did not expect her to make her arrival so soon! I hung up with her and just stood there in the middle of the bathroom rather indisposed leaking. Tommy walked in and kind of laughed at me. I'm sure it was a site.

Tommy quickly jumped in the shower. I decided that I needed to wash my hair but I didn't want to get in the shower because at that moment I could not remember if I was not supposed to take a bath or was it a shower. I just decided that I would lean my head into the shower and he could wash my hair for me. I knew that I would feel so much better with clean hair. Once we were both all cleaned up I finally put some clothes on. That was a process. I had no idea what to put on. I finally opted for some black shorts so that my "problem" was not as obvious as I walked into the hospital. Tommy was flying around the house throwing things into our bags that were already semi-packed and in the car from our trip to the hospital on the 7th. Before I knew it my sister in law, Mindi was there and my mom and niece Clara were not too far behind. We were all just somewhat in shock. I went into the kitchen to grab my bottle of water and said, "I don't know what to do." I think it was my mom who finally said, "I do. You need to be getting in the car and going to the hospital." So, that is pretty much what I did. We put a blanket down on the seat and off we went. We first stopped at the gas station for an energy drink for Tommy and more Fiji water for me. He also grabbed a sandwich since he was just getting home from work.

After our pit stop, we started our almost hour drive to the hospital. At this point I was having contractions but they were more like cramps and tolerable. I remembered that I had downloaded contraction master on my iPod so I pulled it out to start recording. I also started to call just about every number in my phone. It helped me to keep my mind off of what was happening. I think Tommy and I were both in such shock that our little girl was coming that we barely remember the drive to the hospital. Before I knew it we were at the hospital. Tommy dropped me off at the front door and I walked, in leaking the entire way. He went to park the car and I got checked in. While I was standing at the desk a lady standing there said, "Oh, your feet look like mine did." I looked down at my horribly swollen feet. I noticed that even they were getting a little damp. "Please don't look at my feet," I thought to myself. The admitting clerk finally got me a wheelchair and Tommy got there. They took us up to the 3rd floor to the triage room where we had been two days before. The nurse asked me a few questions and gave me a gown to change into. She came with me to the bathroom to check things out. She took one look and said, "Oh, yeah, you are ruptured." Once I was changed they took me right to a room.

We were both very calm and just kind of laughing at the whole situation. Once in room #307 I got into the bed and settled in. My nurse (who was amazing and deserves a post of her own) started to hook up monitors and ask me questions. This was around 11:00 am. Before I knew it there was a MALE resident in my room to check things out. (This was the first time I was check by male throughout the pregnancy, but it actually didn't phase me.) I was 70% effaced and only 1 cm dilated. They put in a call to the on call Dr. Since my membranes had ruptured they would not let me get out of bed. That really sucked. I did not want to labor in bed, but I dealt with it. The contractions were getting stronger, but were still tolerable. The resident came back in and explained that since I was not more dilated the Dr. wanted to start pitocin. I told him that I really did not want to do that and asked if we could wait. He said that would be fine and we could wait a little while to see if I progressed any on my own.

Around noon my nurse, J, started to work on getting my IV started. Ugh, I HATE IVs. I think it goes back to my experience with the lumbar puncture and subsequent IV therapy. I told her that I'm usually a hard stick. She work very hard on finding a good vein to get it on the first try. Like I said, she was amazing. At this point my mom (who we had asked to be in the delivery room with us) and I had convinced Tommy that he really needed to get some sleep before things got too intense. He was happy to oblige and was out and moaning before long. Around 1:00 I had a blue-raspberry Popsicle. My aunt Paula called to check in on me. I told her that we were just waiting things out for a little while. My contractions were around 3 minutes apart at this point and getting stronger. At 1:25 pm the resident checked me again. Not much progress. He said that they wanted to place an internal monitor to see how strong my contractions were. He also said that we really needed to consider starting the pitocin to get things going. I asked if I could think about it. He said that was fine. I really did not want to have pitocin. In my mind I wanted no drugs and I was worried about stronger contractions. On the other hand I knew that since I had been ruptured since earlier that morning the clock was ticking and my baby girl was coming out one way or another. I turned on my side to get a little more comfortable. I talked over starting the pitocin with everyone and decided that it would be best.

Around 1:45 pm J came back with the pitocin. She joked about how some women just need to smell the stuff and they go down. Well, guess what, I'm one of those women. She had barely hung the bag on the pole and my contractions were really intense. By this time I was very quiet and Tommy was helping me to breath through the pain. He was an awesome coach. Around 2:20 pm I started to get really really hot. My mom and Tommy were freezing in the room. My nurse came back in and noticed that my demeanor had changed. The contractions were intense enough to bring tears to my eyes. J checked me around 2:45 pm. My mom's copious notes do not say if I had made any progress at this point. I was getting frustrated with myself and said, "This sucks, I thought I was stronger than this." Tommy was watching the contractions on the monitor. It was great because he was able to watch for a contraction and help me breath through it. At this point I was starting to get back labor. That really SUCKED. I decided that I wanted something to take the edge off the pain but I didn't want an epidural yet. I figured if I had something to give me a little break I would not be as tired later. J gave me some New Bane (sp?) around 3:00 pm. I had some in my IV and some in a shot. Whew, that was some crazy stuff. I felt intoxicated. The pain was still very much there but I just felt very much at ease between them.

They helped me to get comfortable on my left side and changed some of my bedding. By 4:15 pm I was having very strong back labor and steady contractions. J checked me again at 4:30 pm. I was at 4 cm. She asked if I needed anything for pain. I still wanted to hold out. I didn't last as long as I would have liked. J came back in before long and I looked at her and said, "I think I'm going to have to wimp out and get an epidural." She reassured me that I was not wimping out and said that she put in a call. It seemed like things got really intense then. I was having a hard time staying focused through the contractions. Tommy was right there in my face helping me but I still could not focus on staying calm. It just hurt SO BAD. I felt like I was being ripped apart. The Dr. came in to place the epidural and Tommy and my mom had to step out. That was by far the worst part of the day. I was still groggy from the New Bane and I was in so much pain that I was having a hard time sitting up and over the bed. J was right there in my face the entire time helping me to stay focused through the pain. I was all too familiar with needles in my back so that didn't really bother me. I was more worried about holding still so that nothing went wrong and I had to endure another spinal headache!! Before I knew it the torture was over and I was started to feel numb. Oh, how glorious it was indeed. J asked how I was doing at one point. I told her I was fine. She just smiled and informed me that I was having a very strong contraction. I was glad that I had waited though so that I was able to have the experience of labor.

5:00 pm: While my mom and Tommy were out of the room waiting she called a few people to update them. She reported that Casey and Kimberly were going crazy waiting to hear how things were going and that they were proud of me. I felt a little down on myself for getting the epidural but I decided that it was what was best for myself and my little dumpling. By 5:30 p.m. my mom and Tommy were back in the room. My mom's notes say that I was much more at ease. 5:45 pm I was trying to rest. Dr. B came in around then and checked my progress. Still at 4 cm. At this point I started to shake really bad. I could not hold still. I was trying to catch up on Twitter updates on my iPod and listen to music but I was shaking so bad that I thought I would drop it. I finally gave up and just laid there. J kept checking in on me and told me to let them know when I stared to feel pressure. She had told me earlier in the day that I needed to have the baby before 7:00pm because her shift ended then. Well, a few minutes before 7 I started to feel something. I called for J and she came in to check me. She got a big smile on her face and said it was good news. I was at 9 cm!! She kind of laughed and said she guessed she was working over. My mom was on the phone with my sister in law, Mindi at that time. They were trying to decide when to pick up my dad and head to the hospital. When J announced that I was a 9 Mindi decided that was a good time to make the trip.

J told me to let them know if I felt more pressure. Everything happened so quickly after that. According to my mom around 7:20 I felt more pressure and called them. All of the sudden lights and mirrors were coming out of the ceiling and there were a lot more people in the room. Besides Tommy and my mom there was the resident from earlier that day, a med student, my nurse J, and the Dr. I guess there was at least one nurse waiting for dumpling as well but I don't really remember.

At 7:53 pm I started to push. Wow, that was hard. Not that it hurt, it was just really difficult to tell where to focus the pushing. My mom had one leg and held the back of my head and Tommy had the other leg. Everyone kept telling me how great I was doing. I did pretty good through the first two sets of pushes but by the third I was too out of breath most of the time to do much good. They kept encouraging me. Finally dumpling started to show us that she had dark hair. It took me a little while to focus in the mirror and see what they were talking about. Once I could see her head that gave me all that much more to focus on. I was able to better focus my pushing. Finally her head was right there and almost out. I knew that with the next set of contractions I was going to push her out. All of the sudden it was happening. At 8:40 pm there she was, little dumpling was out, Lucy Ella was alive and wailing to let us all know that she was fine.

Someone said, "It's a girl," and I was relieved. Deep down inside I was somewhat worried that she would turn out to be a he. They asked if I wanted her on me before they cleaned her off. Um, of course I do. They my squirmy, crying, goo covered little daughter on my chest. I stroked her little head and told her hello. I expected to cry like you always see women do on TV. I didn't. Honestly I think I was still in shock from the entire day. Sure, I knew that it would happen eventually, like the nurse on the phone said, but I just wasn't ready for it 16 days early. They took her and cleaned her up. She weighed in at 6 lbs 8.8 oz and was 20 inches long. She was a healthy little girl. Her daddy and grandma were right by her side with the cameras to record her first few moments outside the womb. The "team" finished up with me. I only had a small little one stitch tear to take care of. Before I knew it my little Lucy was cleaned up, swaddled and back in my arms. I could not believe it was finally happening, I was holding my daughter. After all the heartbreak of last year I was holding the child we so longed to have. Our family was complete. There are so many more stories to tell about our first few days as parents, but I think I have babbled on long enough. I'm sure that most of you (all 4 people who read my blog) could care less about all the nitty gritty details of my labor and delivery but I wanted to get it down while I could still remember what happened so that I can day share it with Lucy. She is amazing and her daddy and I are sure proud of her. Everyone says that she looks like her daddy and I would have to agree. We can't wait to watch her grow and change. For right now we are soaking in every moment of baby love that we can.

well that was fun...

Per my Dr.'s orders I have been having someone check my blood pressure twice a day at work. Until today everything was fairly normal. Today my afternoon blood pressure was over the magic number that she told me to watch for and call her office. Well, I made the call waited for them to get back to me. I really expected her to just want me to recheck the pressure and rest. I was wrong. the nurse called me back and said that my Dr. wanted me to head into labor and delivery to be check out and monitored. Crap. I really did not want to hear that. I was at work and it took me a few minutes to gather my thoughts, throw everything into my desk and let my co-workers know what was going on.

I called Tommy and woke him up to let him know I was on the way home and we were going to the hospital. We quickly grabbed a few things, just in case, and headed out. I think that was the longest drive ever. We got to the hospital and went to the admitting desk. They put a bracelet on my arm and got a wheelchair to take me upstairs. I told her that I didn't need it, but apparently it is protocol. They set us up in the triage area. I was hooked up to the monitors to watch lil dumpling and monitor contractions. Of course there was also the awful blood pressure cuff. Lab also came and drew several vials of blood. Tommy sat there being supportive and trying to stay awake. Poor guy didn't get much sleep before we had to leave. Time went by fairly quick. Little one was very active during the whole thing. My blood pressure stayed low as well. I was starting to feel a little silly for being there, but I was just doing what I was told. I did notice contractions while I was laying there as well. A resident finally came in to talk to me. She said that all of my labs were normal and everything else looked fine. She was going to put in a call to the on call Dr. and see what she said. She asked how I was feeling and I told her I was fine but I was pretty sure I was having contractions. She asked how far apart they were and I said that I wasn't really sure since I didn't have a clock to go by. I kind of thought that is what the monitor was for? They checked that out and decided to go ahead and check me to see if I had made any progression. I was the same as I had been on Monday at my Dr. appointment. So, they call the Dr. and she said to send me home. The resident came back in and explained a few things to me. Honestly she made me feel bad for going there. She explained the best way to take my blood pressure. I told her that I was not doing it at home, rather I was having NURSES check it at work. I know she did not mean anything by what she was saying and was just doing her job, but I felt let down. I felt like I did something wrong. It's not like I really wanted to leave work early and drive an hour away just to be sent home for nothing.

I am very thankful though that I'm typing this post from my home and my little girl is still safely in my womb. As they say it is always better to be safe rather than sorry...

37 week update

Today we had our 37 week appointment. My blood pressure was fine. My Dr. was not too concerned about the swelling in my feet. She agreed that they were really bad, but as long as my protein levels and BP looked good she said that there is nothing to worry about. She asked if I had headaches or blurred vision. I told her that I have been experiencing some blurry vision lately. With that information she just asked me to have the nurses at work check my BP at least once a day and call her if it gets too high. I'm praying that it stays in the normal range so that she does not see a need to induce me, which she mentioned. Yikes. I'm officially dilated to 1 cm. Baby's head is down and at the zero station. I'm not thinned out yet though. Hopefully next week will show more progress.

Tommy and I went to our childbirth/Lamaze class on Saturday. I guess you could say that we enjoyed our day. It was a long day, especially for Tommy, but I think it was worth it. When we were doing relaxation/breathing exercises (only a small part of the day) we could not look at each other without laughing. I felt like the class clown. We had a nice time being away. We went out to eat and did a tiny amount of shopping. I looked for some shoes to wear. As of right now I only have 1 pair of flip flops that I can even fit my feet into. Yes, I have to wear RED shoes no matter what color of shirt I'm wearing. Oh, well. My feet hurt so bad when we were in the last store that I actually started to cry, right in the middle of Gander Mountain. Talk about embarrassing!

Right now I'm laying on the couch with my compression sock encased feet propped up on a few pillows. I'm doing my very best to drink a ton of water and not do too much. It is oh so hard though when there is so much I want to do before lil dumpling decides to join us. I did my first load of baby clothes yesterday. Until now my mom has been washing everything for me at her house. Yes, I have the best mom ever. Next up to wash is the cloth diapers. We don't plan on using them at first but I want to have them ready to go for when we transition to them. Hopefully I can get that done tomorrow.

I have really enjoyed being pregnant, but I must say that these last few weeks have been less than enjoyable. I think that if I didn't have the extreme swelling to deal with I might not feel that way. It will all be worth it so soon. Meeting the little one squirming around inside my belly is pretty much all I can think about at this point.

36+ weeks

Earlier today I had a blog post rolling around in my head. Right now though it would seem that pregnancy brain has kicked in and I can't remember what I wanted to write about for the life of me...

This weekend Tommy and I finally have our birthing/Lamaze class. It is all day on Saturday. Since we are an hour away from the hospital, we decided to stay up there tomorrow night so that we don't have to get up so early on Saturday morning. I guess you could say that this is our last little getaway sans baby. I'm looking forward to spending some time with Tommy. He has been working straight midnights for longer than I can remember now. He also works most weekends. This means that there is little time left for "us". It has not really been too bad until the last few weeks. I'm am really not able to do much at all once I get home from work. My feet have now become something that I no longer recognize. I pretty much come home from work and try to keep them up as much as possible. There is so much that needs to be done, but my body is telling me that I need to just slow down and take it easy.

Lil Dumpling is still fairly active despite the fact that she has to be out of room. I am down to weekly Dr. appointments and everything has been right on track at them. Our dogs seem to know that something is up. If I move an inch Barbie is on alert. The other day when I was walking around the yard with Remington. He came over to me and nuzzled up to my belly. He did that several times and then finally left me alone. I half thought that maybe I was going to go into labor soon because he NEVER does that. Alas, I did not. I guess everyone is very excited to meet the little one!!

I'll end with a picture of me that Tommy took today on my lunch hour. I don't look all that great, but hey I'm over 36 weeks pregnant so what do you expect?

let the countdown begin

According to my baby countdown timer there are only 40 days left until my due date. Um, how in the world did that happen? It seems like the weeks are going by so quickly now. Monday I have my last 2 week appointment. The following week I will start my weekly Dr. visits. It's starting to get real folks. Lil Dumpling is so active these days. Tommy gets a kick out of talking to her and feeling her intense kicks and rolls. All I can say is that I'm so excited to be a mom!! It will not be long now!

a year ago

It has been a year ago today that I went to a routine OB appointment and heard the three words that no expectant mother ever wants to hear, "There's no heartbeat." I have cried so many tears since then. I heard many times that time will make it easier. Yes, that is true. I don't cry every time I think of the baby that I never held. However, not a day goes by that I don't think of him or her. There are so many "what ifs" that can be said here but I won't. I think back to the pain I felt going through the loss, both physical and emotional and know that it made me a stronger person. When I was at my lowest I never would have believed that in a short year I would be 29 weeks pregnant.

Lucy is moving so much these days. Just a short time ago her movements were just little bumps and flutters. Now they are full on kicks. I was in a meeting at work Monday morning and she gave me a good kick in the side. One of those that makes you jump and lose your breath for a split second. I grabbed my side and just smiled. My boss stopped talking and just laughed. I LOVE feeling her move and never get tired of it. I told Tommy tonight that I am amazed at how quickly her movements became more noticeable. I said I can tell there is an actual human in there now instead of giant worms or some alien like creature. It seemed like the transition was overnight. She is very noticeably human now. Her little butt and feet poke out the side of my stomach and it makes me smile and giggle every time. I'll endure the pain in my ribs because I know that means she is strong and healthy. It is all getting very real.

My mom gave me one of my shower gifts early this weekend. She bought us some of our cloth diapers. I was so excited to get them. I got to show them off to everyone that was not quiet sure about the whole cloth diapering thing. Everyone was surprised at how different they are than what they thought of a cloth diaper. They are so stinking cute! Sure there are still some people who have their doubts. I do realize that it is an adjustment. There are going to be challenges no matter what kind of diaper I put on my child's rear. I get frustrated when people think I'm naive and don't realize "what I'm getting into." I'm not just talking about diapers. I feel sometimes like people think I'm a young uneducated person that knows nothing. Sure, I have never had a child of my own. Sure, there are going to be times where I feel lost and need help. I realize all of these things. However, I do not need to be constantly reminded of that. I am looking forward to motherhood more than I ever thought I would. I am just tired of hearing all of the negative aspects of it. I have been waiting to have a child now for about two years. I have been through so many ups and downs. It is time to focus on the positives. I didn't expect this post to turn into a rant about the comments I have gotten lately. Most of the comments have come for people I don't even know. I guess they have gotten to me more than I realize.

All I can say is that a year ago I would have given anything to make those three words go away. I wanted everything to be different. I know now that God had other plans for us. Our little one is gone but never forgotten. I just wanted to take this opportunity to remember our little angel. Also, I want to say thank you for everyone who has been so supportive throughout the healing process. I would not be where I am right now without your help.

Wow, this post did not go at all where I thought it would. That is why I love blogging. I can get my thoughts out there and out of my head. I must end now so that I can pack. For the next two days I will be away for a work conference. I'm really not looking forward to sitting in all day meetings. Yuck.

just checking in

This post will be short because I burned my fingers earlier tonight. I lifted the lid off the kettle in the oven to check supper. I angled it the wrong way and burned my two of my fingers on the steam. Yeah, it still hurts, BAD.

I just wanted to write a quick post to say that I'm still here. Life has been somewhat hectic lately. It has thrown a lot at us lately and we are doing our best to work through it all. I won't get into everything on this blog, at least not at this time. I will say that Tommy and I have had to face a situation that I never thought we would have to. We could really use continued prayers as we work through things. If you want to know how to specifically pray for us, send me an email and I'll fill you in.

Everything with the pregnancy is going good. Lucy is getting stronger. I was trying to explain to Tommy what it feels like to feel her move. All I could come up with at the time was that it feels like a giant worm twisting around. He gave me a strange look. I guess it is different for every woman and every pregnancy. This weekend Tommy was off for a few days. We were able to get some things hung up in her room. Her room is coming together and we are so excited about it.

It seems that all of the sudden I'm in the 3rd trimester. Wow. Everything seems to be going so fast now. I'm finding that everyday things are getting more difficult for me. Tommy and I spent some time this weekend looking for a new front load washing machine. After only two stores I was exhausted. My body lets me know when it is time to rest. Tommy is being so supportive and watches my every move. He makes sure I'm drinking and eating enough, two things I still struggle with. I feel so blessed to have him by my side.

Well, I'll end this post here as I need to refill washcloth with some ice cubes. I hope that everyone is doing well.

diapers, a furry best friend and the orange drink

We (I) have made a decision that we are going to use cloth diapers for Lucy. Yours truly, who hates doing laundry, decided that it was the best thing for us all around. Tommy was supportive no matter what I wanted to do. For some reason it scares me to make such a decision. Kimberly has been using cloth diapers for a few months now and loves them. It helps knowing someone who is currently having success with them. I'm sure that I would not have taken the plunge otherwise. It is amazing the reaction I get from people when I tell them about going cloth. I think a lot of people do not realize how different diapers are today. I think they are so stinking cute and I can't wait to see them on Lucy. Yes, the laundry will be something that I have to get used to doing more of, but there will be a lot of new things that I will have to adjust once she is here. Tonight I finally started an online registry for them. I guess that was my way of committing to the decision. We will be using the bumGenius 3.0 diapers.

As I type this post Barbie is laying on the arm of the couch behind me. She has her head resting on my shoulder and I'm laying my head on her back. She has been such a little cuddle bug lately. She knows that something is going on with me. Almost on a daily basis she will sniff my belly as if to say hello to the little one. Tonight I was in Lucy's room doing some organizing. Barbie came running in with one of her toys in her mouth as if to say, "Okay, enough of playing with the baby things. My turn!" I threw the toy a few times and moved on to something else in the room. I sat down in the rocking chair and she came running over and immediately wanted on my lap. I laughed as I got a mental picture of myself with Lucy in one arm and Barbie in the other. It shall prove to be an interesting adjustment for all of us.

Monday is my next Dr.'s appointment. My mother and I both have the day off for President's day so she is going with me. At that appointment I have to do the glucose test. The bottle of the lovely orange drink has been sitting in my fridge haunting me since my last appointment. I'm just praying that I past and I don't have to do the 3 hour test!

I think this is about all I have the energy to type for now. I'm hoping for a comfortable nights sleep!!

**I'm have troubles getting my post to look the way I want it. Sorry if it is difficult to read.

growing

Tonight is the first night all week that I have not fallen asleep shortly after supper. It would seem that pregnancy is starting to kick my butt. Every day it seems like my stomach grows a little more. When I seem my reflection I'm almost surprised by what I see. Of course with an expanding midsection comes the sore back, troubles getting comfortable while sleeping, difficulties bending over and the list goes on. One thing that amazes me is that while I continue to get larger my weight gain has stayed low. I attibute that to my general lack of appetite. When I am hungry I try to eat fairly healthy, so I guess that helps to keep the weight under control. Something that I am really struggling with is drinking enough. I have always been really bad at getting enough water during the day and now when it is more important than ever, I'm not any better. However, I have been drinking chocolate milk by the gallons. I can't get enough!! Between Tommy and I we go through 2 gallons of milk (he drinks white, I drink chocolate) in a few days. At least I'm getting calcium. I'm anxious to see what the next 15 and a half weeks bring. Here is a picture of me last week at 23 weeks 2 days.

reading and such

Growing up I loved books. One of my favorite past times was reading. As I got older and life got a little more busy I didn't find as much time for pleasure reading. Now that I'm expecting I look forward spending time reading to her. I had my mom gets some of my old books down from their attic. I was excited to dig through the box and search out my favorites. The one I was most excited about was "Mr. Bell's Fixit Shop". I had searched for it online only to find out it was of course out of print. I found it on a few websites for $20-$30 but that seemed a tad steep for a children's book. The book was in the box from the attic. Sadly it has seen better days. The front cover is tattered and the back cover is missing, but all of the pages are there. I have been reading "Oh, Baby, the Places You'll Go!" to Lucy. People may think I'm crazy but she starts moving when I'm reading. My aunt who works with an early childhood program, said that they give that book to all the expecting moms. One lady said that when she read it to her baby after it was born it responded. How cool is that. Sure it could be a coincidence but research shows that babies do hear in the womb so maybe there is something to it? Whatever the case may be, I am enjoying bonding with her through reading.

In other news I had my monthly Dr.'s appointment on Wednesday. They did another ultrasound to take a look at her heart and face since they didn't get a good look last time. She appears to be perfect. I asked my mom and grandma to go along since Tommy went last time and we really can't afford for him to take off work. We had a good time and did a little shopping after the appointment. It hit me that there were 4 generations on that little trip. One of them was in my belly, but she was there. I look forward to many more days like that.

*Blogger is being contrary right now and is not letting me move my pictures, so I guess they will both have to stay at the top of the page. Annoying.

little. cute. clothes.

Tonight I pulled out a few of my favorite outfits that I have bought for Lucy. I thought I would share them.
So there you have a little glimpse into Lucy's wardrobe so far.

little flutters

Around Thanksgiving I started to feel little flutters in my belly. I wasn't sure if it was Lucy at first. Now I am feeling her on a regular basis. The movements are still not that strong, but it is for sure baby. Tommy has been anxious to feel her as well. Every night he puts his hand on my belly hoping for something. On Tuesday night she was really moving around. I told Tommy and he quickly put his hand on my tummy. It wasn't long before he felt his daughter move for the first time. It was magical. We looked at one another and smiled. What a wonderful little moment in our lives. For that one little millisecond everything was okay and life was good.

Not a day goes by when I don't thank God for the miracle that is growing inside of me but I can't help but rewind to this time last year. I was pregnant. Life was good. I did not know what the future held. Today I was doing a yearly home visit with a client. One of the first things she said when I sat down was, "You had a baby right?" Wow, I was not prepared for that one at all. I was shocked that she even remembered. I went on to explain what had happened and that I was again expecting as I gently rubbed my expanding tummy. I am constantly amazed at how sharing my experience can actually be comforting. I have had several clients tell me about their own experiences of loss. We are generations apart but we are women talking about a very tender time in our lives and I find comfort in that. So, while I am over the moon excited about the little one fluttering in my tummy I still think about the other child that was once in there and I never got to hold. Life is full of changes and surprises around each and every corner. I am trying to learn to embrace these surprises and changes and to not let them rock the boat too much.

room update

Tommy was right, he did a wonderful job painting the room. He got it done quickly too. It is so nice that it is painted and the crib and furniture are in there. Now I just have some finishing touches like artwork and a rug to find. Oh, and we need to decide on a rocking chair as well. I'm very happy with the way it turned out. I love the paint color. Generally I'm not very good at picking out colors. This time I took a piece of the bedding to the paint store and had them match the color. So easy and much less stressful. I bought 2 gallons and we only ended up needing 1. Like I said, I'm not so good at picking out paint. The pictures really do not show the color very well though. My photography skills are not up to par when it comes to capturing indoor shots. So, if you want a better idea of what the room looks like and you live close, or even if you live far away and are up for a road trip, stop on by and check it out. There are also a few more pictures on my Flickr account.

Her room is quickly filling up with clothes. I need to separate them out by size to see what we actually have. I have only bought a few things, the rest is all my mom. Tomorrow my mom and I are going to try to go shopping to check see if we can hit some good sales. I'm hoping to find a few things for myself as well. I'm noticing that some of my pre-pregnancy shirts are not fitting so well. I'm also in need of some "comfy" pants. If you know me well you know that as soon as I walk in the door from work I'm in lounge wear. I must say that my belly is getting bigger even though I'm still pretty much at my pre-pregnancy weight. At least two or three times a day Tommy looks at me and kind of giggles and says, "You have a pregnant belly." That I do. Here is a picture of me at 19 weeks and 5 days.

another green room

I like to be in control of things. It makes me nervous to have other people do things for me, especially when it comes to Tommy doing them. So, when I came home today and found him in the baby's room with a paint brush in his hand you can imagine my reaction. What are you doing? Do you know what you are doing? I thought you were going to wait until my mom could help you?

His prompt response (in a deep, manly, and kind of silly voice) was: "I'm a man. I can do things on my own. Let me paint my daughter's room."

Something about hearing him say "my daughter" made my heart melt and I forgot all about the lack of control I have over the situation. This whole pregnancy thing has forced me to be a little more chilled out about things. I guess that is just a lesson I needed to learn sooner or later...

dumpling has a name

This will be a short post, but I wanted to update the blog world on what we found out today. We can now call Lil Dumpling, Lucy!!! Yep, it's a girl. It's a girl. Wow. It still has not sunk in. It was a busy day of shopping and trying not not fall down on the icy parking lots. We are so excited. Tommy had a huge grin on his face all day. I totally cried during the ultrasound. She was a little stubborn and did not give us a good look at her face or her heart. She looked up for a second then put her head right back down. I turned to Tommy and said, "She's just like her momma, a bit stubborn." The tech tried bouncing my belly all around to get her to move her head, but she just having none of it. She had her arm behind her head and was just comfy where she was. We did get a real good shot of her girly bits or lack there of. The ultrasound technician all of a sudden said, "Oh, it's definitely a girl." That when I lost it. I'm having the little girl that I have always wanted. Someone to share my collection of Barbie Dolls with. Someone to make little bracelets and necklaces for. Oh, and the clothes and the shoes. Tommy mumbled something about boys coming over and good thing he has guns. Yeah, he's that kind of redneck guy. Anyway, we are just thrilled. Dr. K said that everything that they could see looked good. She wants me to have another ultrasound at our next appointment on January 21st. They want to have a better look at her heart and the face. Hopefully she will be a little more cooperative at that appointment. I do not regret one bit finding out. It put a smile on my face and made the holiday blahs go away a little.

Merry Christmas to all!!!

holiday blahs

I have not been myself lately. My sinus infection finally went away after almost two weeks and I was thankful for that. For a few days I felt a little better. Now I just feel, blah. Physically I'm tired and I don't want to do anything. I'm still a little congested and my emotions are all over the place. I just feel like hiding away and not talking to anyone. Tommy is still working midnights and when he is home he is pretty much sleeping. Normally he is able to be his silly self and make me feel better. He is not so much able to do that when he is not here.

Tuesday we have our anatomy ultrasound and next OB appointment. Hopefully that will be enough to get me out of this funk. Tommy and I were talking tonight before he left for work about the appointment. He said that he is so excited to find out the sex of the baby. I would have to agree. I'm very anxious to get another peek at what is going on inside of my tummy. What a wonderful Christmas present to find out if Dumpling is a boy or a girl. I honestly have not had a feeling one way or another. Well, actually this last week I have been thinking girl. Either way, we will be happy. I'm just praying for a healthy baby. Tuesday we also get to pick up our crib. Hopefully in the next few weeks the baby's room will be painted so we can get things in place instead of the middle of the room.

Tommy asked me tonight if I wanted him to go off midnights. I told him to just do whatever he needed to. Hopefully after the first of the year work will pick up for him and he will be able to go back to his regular shift. Until then I will do my best to plug away and stay on top of things the best I can.

16 weeks, almost

Tomorrow I will be 16 weeks into my pregnancy. I feel like I have gotten over a huge hurdle and I am so thankful for that. We had our second appointment with Dr. K the day before Thanksgiving. It went really well. She found Lil Dumpling's heartbeat right away with the doppler. It was a very welcome sound to our ears. We just looked at one another and smiled. According to their scales I had gained a pound since the last appointment. She said that I must be doing something right. I laughed and told her that it's because I'm not eating very much. She answered a few questions for me and she said that she would see us again in 4 weeks. At that appointment we will have our anatomy ultrasound. That means we will get to find out if Lil Dumpling is a boy or girl. We are 99% sure we are going to find out. I am so anxious to get a look at our little miracle again.

As for what our Dumpling will be called once we know the sex, we have made a decision on that. If Dumpling is a girl she will be Lucy Ella. I knew I wanted to name my daughter Lucy even before I was pregnant last time. The middle name Ella comes somewhat from my dad's mom. Her name was Luella. If Dumpling is a boy he will be named Jay Thomas. Jay is my dad's name and Thomas is actually Tommy's middle name. So, there you have it. I have been holding them in, but we are both pretty set on them so I thought it was time to share with everyone else.

I have been fighting a cold/sinus infection pretty much since Thanksgiving. On Friday I finally called my OB to see what they suggested I do. They gave me a prescription and I'm really hoping it starts to work soon. I'm at the point where I really don't have much of a voice. At least I can partially breathe through my nose now. Oh, the wonders of the pregnant body. So much fun! Tonight I finally got our tree up and the lights on it. Maybe tomorrow night I will have the energy to put on the ornaments.

Well, I guess I should wrap up this all over the place post and get Tommy up for work. Yeah, another week of midnights.

13 weeks- embracing the belly

Since I have a bit of a baby belly I thought I would post a picture. I'm still negative on the weight gain and I still don't have much of an appetite to speak of. Tonight was the first time in a long time that I have actually been hungry and ate a nice big supper. I'm still not complaining about feeling sick though. I'll suffer through it if it means that everything is okay with Lil Dumpling. We are very anxious to get through our next Dr's appointment. I think I will be a little less edgy after that.

12 weeks 1 day

I'm almost at the end of the first trimester. Hopefully that means I will be feeling better soon. I have been sleeping a little better. I accredit that mostly to the Snoogle. My awesome mom got one for me a few weeks ago. It took me no time at all to fall asleep that first night. All night I don't think I moved a muscle. Barbie is not so sure about the new addition to our sleeping arrangements. She can't get as close to me as she normally does. For that same reason Tommy is not so fond of the pillow either. For me though it is totally worth it.

Another comfort item that I have added to my daily routine is maternity pants. Ah, yes the large expanding waistband. Love it! Although to date I have still only lost weight my body is slowly changing and I even have a little bit of a baby belly (as one of my co-workers so kindly pointed out a few weeks ago.) Tommy and I hit a major sale one day and I bought some work pants. I had them altered and viola my work wardrobe is comfortable again.

Tommy has been so supportive these past few weeks when I've been feeling not up to par. He has been cooking a lot of our meals. This week he is back on afternoons so I guess that means I'm back to fending for myself. That wouldn't be so bad if I actually had an appetite. When it is time to eat I stand in the kitchen and almost cry (actually did cry one night) because nothing at all sounds good or even looks appetizing. Sure there are those times when I get so hungry that I need food NOW. Most of the time, especially in the morning, I have to force myself to eat. I guess this is just all part of the miracle of creating life. I just want to be as healthy as possible for my baby.

As I end this trimester I have been thinking a lot about my last pregnancy. At this point last time I had no idea anything was wrong. No idea that the child I carried in my womb was no longer alive. For that reason I have not been able to rest easy with any little cramp or pain I feel. The other night as I tried to fall asleep I was having some pain in my right side. I cried and told Tommy that I can't go through "that" again. All I can do for now is rest in the fact that God is in control and wait for my next appointment for some reassurance. I still think of the child we lost on a daily basis. I'm guessing that will continue for some time. The pain is easier, but still there and still VERY real...

may 25th(ish) 2009

I think I'm in trouble. Little dumpling is shaping up to be like it's dad: can't sit still. I finally had my first OB appointment today at 10 weeks. I was super nervous on the way to Springfield this morning. My stomach was more upset than normal. Once I got in the office I was better though. I just knew that everything was alright. A peace just came over me. They got me in right away and before I knew it I was sitting there with my gown on waiting for Dr. K. She is such a gentle woman. She did my exam and tried to find dumpling's heartbeat with the Doppler, but couldn't. The nerves came back a little, but not as much as I thought they would. I had prepared myself for that. She said that since baby is still so tiny and I have a tilted uterus, or whatever it is called, that the heartbeat can be difficult to hear. She had her ultrasound tech do a "quick" ultrasound so that we would all feel better. I practically hugged her when she said they would do that.

The tech found the baby right way and before long there was the little flicker that I have now have no problems finding on my own. The kid was moving around like crazy. It was so incredible. If only I had a video to share with you all. This tiny little being inside me that is only around a half inch was dancing around. The little arms are only about the size of a "1" but there it was moving around to let mom and dad know that things are okay. I had tears streaming down my face. I didn't expect to see movement like that. I'm so thankful I did and that Tommy was there to witness it as well. We decided that it was worth it for him to take the day off.

She gave me a due date of May 25th. Now if I can just make it through the rest of this first trimester I will feel more at ease.