I have been sitting in front of my computer now for at least 30 minutes thinking about what I want to say. The truth is that I don't know. I find comfort in blogging, I think I have written about that before. Sometimes I just need to get thoughts and feelings out. There is so much going through my head that I am just not able to sort out. I do not have a good grasp on life right now. The days come and go and I feel like life is happening around me, not to me. It is difficult to explain, but I'm sure everyone has been through this before. I'm still hurting. I feel like "society" thinks I should move on and feel better by now, but I can't. I had life inside of me and now it is gone. There was a heartbeat. Now it is gone. It is really difficult to understand why. Only HE knows why.
A few weeks ago a fellow blogger introduced me to a new blog to add to my growing list of reads. It has been a source of inspiration and comfort to me. I am humbled by Angie's way of worshiping God through a time of hurt. It is an incredible story and I encourage you to read her blog. Here is a video about their story that has also touched me. It is rather long, but if the blog speaks to you then I would recommend watching it as well.
I know that we all go through the grief process in different ways. It is frustrating to me that I hurt as much as I do. I want to feel better. I know that I need to give myself time and allow myself to hurt. That is all part of the process. (A special little lady told me that:) Someday the hurt will not be as sharp. Someday I will look back on this time as one of life's lessons. I just want someday to come soon.
Yesterday I had the privilege to play mom to four of my cousins for the evening. As I watched Kennah run the 800, (I think), I snapped a few pictures. I uploaded them tonight and it made me think about how life really is like a race. We are always looking forward to the next thing, graduations, marriage, jobs, families, etc. After I graduated High School, it was on to college. After grad school, it was racing to get a job. Next, came the house and marriage. Everything was God's timing and seemed to fall perfectly into place. The next natural lap in the race was starting a family. Then that stupid hurdle got in the way. I fell down, skinned my knee and got the wind knocked out of me. Now I guess I'm at that point in the race when I need to pick myself back up, wipe the dirt off, take a deep breath and get on with the race. That is the hardest part.
We do not always come in first. Kennah came in 3rd last night. That is something to be proud of. It gives us something to strive for when we are not first, something to work towards. I pray that I can be more faithful in my prayer life and my time with God. I find comfort in knowing that God is by my side during this race. He is sitting right there by me on the ground, waiting for me to wipe of the dirt. I know that even though I have been upset by all of this He loves me no matter what. I also gain comfort in knowing that my baby is in Heaven worshiping the great Healer. One of my Aunts sent me a card a few weeks ago. She wrote a few lines to let us know that we are in her thoughts. There is one line that I keep going back to: "Draw comfort in knowing that a precious soul will be waiting for you in heaven." Wow. It makes me cry every time.
I never got to hold my child, but that does not make him/her any less important to my life or to God. For now I will rest knowing that my child is safe and not in any pain. This crazy race does not stop just because we fall down. In those times it actually seems to speed up.
I guess it is time for me to stop typing nonsense and get back to living life. I think I need to think about making some supper, my tummy is growling! Thank you again and again to everyone out there for the thoughts and prayers. They make these down times much easier to get through.
3 comments:
"You've all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You're after one that's gold eternally." 1 Corinthians 9:24&25 (The Message)
"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phil. 3:14
Oh, I have so much to say, but those verses sum up a lot. It does truly help to keep an ETERNAL perspective about this. You WILL have reunion with your child, and it will make heaven that much more sweet. This complicated and painful life is but a vapor, but an ETERNITY is promised to us, free of pain and full of glory. Honestly, when I think hard about the concept of what that means, it makes my head positively spin. But in a good way.
Losing my nieces has made me redefine my thinking on death, and in fact, I do not say (such and such person) "died" anymore. I tend to say "passed" or "passed on" because it is TRUE. They are not here, but they have not expired. Christ has won us victory over death, and death holds NO POWER!
My sister-in-law spoke once of how she was upset that there were now so many days separating her from the little time she had with Madison, but in that moment God pointed something out to me that I passed along to her as well... to try not to think of it that way, but to remember that every day that passes is one day CLOSER to seeing her again. To actually learning what her laugh sounds like, and holding her in her arms, making up for all this lost time.
I do continue to pray for you in your grief journey, as your heart heals.
Jess,
I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Miss ya and would like to get together sometime.
Michelle
Hi Jess,
I remember that feeling of the world moving on and I was just kind of stuck. That was an awful feeling. I am glad you've looked at Angie's site. I can't bring myself to listen to the song yet... I still read it without volume.
I do want to tell you the hurt does get less sharp. It doesn't occupy all of your waking thoughts. But, honestly, it's always there. There will always be a part of you that aches for the child you never held. And, that's ok. In fact, I get so frustrated with people that have a miscarriage and then seem to act so casual about it. I feel the same way as you - There was LIFE there. You and your husband created that together. That is not something to be taken casually. God gave us the miracle of being able to carry these children and only he knows the number of their days.
I will continue to pray for you and I hope that you will soon be able to move ahead - that the hurt will lessen.
You are still a mom, Jess. Having feelings of loss is totally and completely yours.
Take Care,
Bri
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