some days are better than others

It is a perfect day outside. My neighbors are out working in their yards, playing with the kids, washing their cars and all I want to do is sit inside and cry. I thought I was doing better. I had not been really done in a few weeks. The past couple of days though have been difficult. I just want to sit and cry. My house looks like a tornado went through it. Laundry is piled up and I don't even care. Why, after 3 months does it still hurt so much? I find myself avoiding anything to do with babies. Tomorrow, we are supposed to go up to my cousin's house to celebrate Father's Day with my family. One of my cousin's is pregnant and due in August. I do not want to go. Not the way I have been feeling. I've never been one to avoid people and situation. I love my family and enjoy spending time with them. It is so difficult though to be around someone and not feel the emptiness inside. The jealously. I don't think my family really understands.

Evidently this is one of those down times that is bound to happen in the grief process. It sucks though. It sucks to not feel like yourself. People tell me I'm strong. I doesn't seem like that though. Why am I blogging all of this? Because I can. Because I want the encouragement and prayers from those who read. I need that right now. When I sit down at the keyboard I never know what is going to come out. Blogging=therapy for me.

Tommy has been on the afternoon shift for the past 2 weeks. That means I'm home alone in the evenings. I try to stay busy with my gardens and making jewelry. Today I was looking forward to him being home. I woke up a little before 9 and he wasn't in bed. I went out to the living room and found an empty couch. When I looked outside his truck was gone. My first thought was that he went to get me an iced coffee from McDonald's (I'm hooked on them right now and the nearest Starbucks is about an hour away). Twenty minutes later I figured he must have decided to go to work. Maybe he kissed me by and told me where he was going, but I don't remember it at all. That makes me sad. I feel like we never get to spend time together. I just want to get out of the house and do something fun, with him. Just us. Not worrying about the laundry, the bills, the high gas prices or our child that we never got to meet. He called a little while ago from work. He said that he could come home now if I wanted him too. I told him to do whatever he wanted. I'm pretty sure he's on his way here right now. Hopefully we can find something fun to do outside to enjoy this gorgeous day that God has given us.

I know that in a few days I'll feel better. This slump will not last forever. For now though, I'm doing what I can to climb my way back out...