clouds are lifting

Well, apparently my optic nerve is no longer swollen. The blurred vision on the bottom and inner part of my eye are most likely a deficit that I will just have to deal with. The super neurologist was just that, super. She took her time with me and asked me a ton of questions. She sat down with Tommy and I and really got to know what was going on with me. The appointment lasted around 2 hours. When it was all said and done she sat down with us and said that she did not see anything to be worried about. She did not see any swelling at all. She said that the MRI looked fine and showed no lesions. There was not really anything that she could say as to why the swelling had occurred. According to the report from my lumbar puncture from September the initial pressure was a little higher than normal. Perhaps there was some increased pressure that caused the swelling and it took this long for it to go away? She also said that it appeared that my optic nerve was elevated. From what I understood that basically means that one side is a little higher than the other. Normally they are flat against your eyeball, but mine appears to be a bit higher on one side. I guess some people are just born that way. She is going to send the report to my Dr.s and she suggested that I see my eye specialist in 6 months for a check up. If I notice any new symptoms she said that I should call my Dr.

All in all it was a good day and I feel the trip was worth it. I was just relieved as soon as she said that she did not see any swelling. We talked about the loss of the baby and she did not seem to think that there was anything related. Where does this put us now? I don't really know. I do know that on my way to work today I felt totally different than I had in a long time. It sounds trite and cliche but everything looked different, like the clouds are starting to lift. My heart still aches each time I see someone with a new baby or a pregnant belly. I know that ache will not soon go away. My heart hurts for the baby that should be moving about in my belly right now. All I can do for now is hope that everything is in fact okay with me and that my body is slowly getting ready to do some cupcake baking.

Thank you to everyone for all the thoughts and prayers. We really felt them yesterday. I was calm for most of the day (despite the mishap where I programmed the wrong address into the navigation system and ended up at the wrong clinic). All in all it was a good day for Tommy and I to spend together. He has been working so much lately that we do not get to spend too much time together.

Here is to new beginnings and a new fresher outlook on life.