the race

I have been sitting in front of my computer now for at least 30 minutes thinking about what I want to say. The truth is that I don't know. I find comfort in blogging, I think I have written about that before. Sometimes I just need to get thoughts and feelings out. There is so much going through my head that I am just not able to sort out. I do not have a good grasp on life right now. The days come and go and I feel like life is happening around me, not to me. It is difficult to explain, but I'm sure everyone has been through this before. I'm still hurting. I feel like "society" thinks I should move on and feel better by now, but I can't. I had life inside of me and now it is gone. There was a heartbeat. Now it is gone. It is really difficult to understand why. Only HE knows why.

A few weeks ago a fellow blogger introduced me to a new blog to add to my growing list of reads. It has been a source of inspiration and comfort to me. I am humbled by Angie's way of worshiping God through a time of hurt. It is an incredible story and I encourage you to read her blog. Here is a video about their story that has also touched me. It is rather long, but if the blog speaks to you then I would recommend watching it as well.

I know that we all go through the grief process in different ways. It is frustrating to me that I hurt as much as I do. I want to feel better. I know that I need to give myself time and allow myself to hurt. That is all part of the process. (A special little lady told me that:) Someday the hurt will not be as sharp. Someday I will look back on this time as one of life's lessons. I just want someday to come soon.

Yesterday I had the privilege to play mom to four of my cousins for the evening. As I watched Kennah run the 800, (I think), I snapped a few pictures. I uploaded them tonight and it made me think about how life really is like a race. We are always looking forward to the next thing, graduations, marriage, jobs, families, etc. After I graduated High School, it was on to college. After grad school, it was racing to get a job. Next, came the house and marriage. Everything was God's timing and seemed to fall perfectly into place. The next natural lap in the race was starting a family. Then that stupid hurdle got in the way. I fell down, skinned my knee and got the wind knocked out of me. Now I guess I'm at that point in the race when I need to pick myself back up, wipe the dirt off, take a deep breath and get on with the race. That is the hardest part.

We do not always come in first. Kennah came in 3rd last night. That is something to be proud of. It gives us something to strive for when we are not first, something to work towards. I pray that I can be more faithful in my prayer life and my time with God. I find comfort in knowing that God is by my side during this race. He is sitting right there by me on the ground, waiting for me to wipe of the dirt. I know that even though I have been upset by all of this He loves me no matter what. I also gain comfort in knowing that my baby is in Heaven worshiping the great Healer. One of my Aunts sent me a card a few weeks ago. She wrote a few lines to let us know that we are in her thoughts. There is one line that I keep going back to: "Draw comfort in knowing that a precious soul will be waiting for you in heaven." Wow. It makes me cry every time.

I never got to hold my child, but that does not make him/her any less important to my life or to God. For now I will rest knowing that my child is safe and not in any pain. This crazy race does not stop just because we fall down. In those times it actually seems to speed up.

I guess it is time for me to stop typing nonsense and get back to living life. I think I need to think about making some supper, my tummy is growling! Thank you again and again to everyone out there for the thoughts and prayers. They make these down times much easier to get through.

afternoon on the farm

Yesterday my great uncle Butch called me to see if I would visit him sometime soon to take pictures. Tommy was out turkey hunting (this is his first year and he got one today!) so I told him that we would come out once he got back in. We headed out after lunch. Butch walked around with us and pointed out the things he wanted me to capture. I snapped a few here and there that he didn't point out as well. He is hoping to use a picture or two for Christmas cards. It was interesting to learn about the variety of plants he has. He told me that he took a botany class at Greenville (he was a Business major) and really enjoyed it. He and his late wife always planted a large and very productive garden and beautiful roses. They won many ribbons at the local county fair. While we were walking around it was evident that he misses getting out and working with the plants. We really enjoyed our afternoon and I hope to go back soon. I hope that the pictures I took can bring a little bit of joy to him. It made me appreciate being young and able to do the things that bring joy to my life. Sometimes we need those little reminders.

Earth Day '08

Earth Day has been around since the early 60's but I think it is getting more recognition this year than ever. Yesterday when I was shopping with my mom, I had at least 2 sales clerks mention something about it. I guess I somewhat sparked the conversation when I told them I didn't want a bag, but still. Everywhere you look people are promoting "green" products. Even a certain women's unmentionables store has products that have some catchy green slogan plaster across the backside of shirts and shorts. I am not the best at recycling or taking quick showers, but I do try my best. Happy Earth Day '08. I encourage everyone to do a little something today for this amazing planet that God has blessed us with.

nothing new

My appointment went okay. My Dr. didn't really didn't have much to say. He was just glad that I still do not notice any MS symptoms. He was also happy to hear that I am going to see the Dr. in Campaign. Everyone keeps telling me, "She's really good." So, now it is the wait and see game. In the meantime my grandma and I made a deal to not worry about anything for the next 2 days.

semi-update

I finally got my appointment moved up with the "super" neurologist. It was originally scheduled for the end of June but they moved me up to June 5th. The nurse told me that the Dr. is on vacation for 2 weeks and is more booked than she has been in a really long time. I just laughed and told her that I'm not surprised. She did say that they would call if there were any cancellations.



I'm off today to go to my follow up with my neurologist in Springfield. I'm somewhat nervous to see him. Hopefully he won't try to stick a needle in my back today!

paging Dr. House

I am a big fan of the TV show House. It wasn't until the second season that I discovered and I was instantly hooked. Since the end of last summer I have been wishing that there was a "real" Dr. House practicing somewhere. Throughout my life I have been a fairly healthy person. There is never anything majorly wrong with me. However from time to time I end come up with some "strange" abnormality. One example that sticks out is when I was in college and lived with my good friends, Kimberly and Sheri. One morning I woke up and I could not move one of my thumbs. It eventually went away, but it was difficult to do much of anything while it "wasn't working." Sometime around the end of last August I noticed something different. The vision in my left eye was a little blurry. I called and made an appointment with my eye Dr. I have reading glasses that I use on the rare occasion, but otherwise my eyes are healthy. After an eye exam I was told that I had a swollen optic nerve. The next step was to see an eye specialist. He saw me and ordered and MRI and set me up with a neurologist. I really didn't know what to think about all of it.



The day of my 27th birthday my mom went with me to the first appointment with my neurologist. He is a wonderful man who actually comes out to the waiting room to get you. His philosophy is that if you need to see a neurologist then you do not need to see a nurse first. He does an exam and discusses the results of the MRI with me, perfectly normal. He goes over a few things that could be causing the swelling. Next, he tells me what I had dreaded, he wants to do a lumbar puncture that day. I'm pretty sure that my mouth dropped open. I kind of laughed and said, "but it's my birthday." Clearly he didn't care. I was not at all prepared for this and I was really glad that my mom came with me on that day. He goes out into the hallway and lets then nurses know that they need to prepare to do this. I really didn't have time to think about what he was about to do. I remember over hearing him say that "this is kind of an emergency." I'm not sure why he put it that way, but it was pretty scary at the time. Next thing I knew I was in the next room in a gown laying on my side. It was over before I knew it and truthfully it was not that bad. I'm glad I didn't have time to dwell on it. The worse was yet to come.



Once that was over the nurse worked on trying to put an iv in me so they could start me on steroids. That was horrible. I was so cold and my veins were not cooperating. At one point she was semi-straddling me and I was laugh/crying. She finally got it in and started the dreaded steroids. After the allotted time I was permitted to head home. Like I mentioned before it was my birthday. I had a few visitors and tried really hard to lay flat. Looking back I wish I would not have moved at all. For the next few days I had to go to the local hospital for more IV steroids. The port that they left in was horrible to work around. They had to put in the bend of my arm and it really hurt. I do not really remember when the headache started, I just know it was there. Apparently the tiny hole that was made by the lumbar needle did not heal over and my spinal fluid was leaking causing the worst headache one could ever have. As long as I laid down I was not in pain. It was miserable. I was so tired of watching TV. There are only so many things one can do while lying flat on their back. Three minutes was all it took for me to feel the pain. The Dr. kept telling me that I should just drink caffeine and rest. I laughed and said I can't do anything but rest. Finally, after what seemed like a month, (maybe a little over a week after my LP) I was scheduled for a blood patch at my local hospital. That is a story in itself that I will not bore you with right now. It was like an immediate relief. I wanted to hug the guy.



So, what did we learn from all the test/pain/misery/Dr. bills? NOTHING. They ruled out a few things but had no explanation for why my optic nerve was swollen and there was vision loss. I was scheduled for follow up visits for 6 months to see what it looked like then.



Fast forward to last week. I went to see my eye specialist. He looked over the results of my visual field test I had done the Friday the week of my D&C (what a fun week). For about 5 minutes he literally did not say a word. He only muttered a few, "huhs". Finally he looked up and said that the visual field test was worse and that he was concerned. He did an exam and confirmed that my optic nerve was in fact still swollen. He said that after 6 months the swelling would have gone down if it was some sort of infection causing it. He went on to say that he was concerned enough that he wanted refer me to a Neuro-Optomologist. He said that he did not have any answers for me as to why it was still like this. I just sat there and did not know what to say. The nurse said that she would have to call me with an appointment. I spoke with her today and I'm scheduled for some time in June. She said that she was waiting to speak with my eye specialist to see if that was okay with him to wait. If not he will have to personally call the, "super" neurologist as I have been calling her, and try to get me worked in sooner. I am scheduled to see my "regular" neurologist this coming Monday.



I really do not know what to think about all of this. When I started this post I didn't expect to go into such detail. I suppose I just needed to get some of my story out there. Part of me wonders if the reason I lost our baby was that my body is not able to care for 2 lives at this time. Perhaps not. I do not know the reason for the loss and I may never know it. God knows and that is all that matters. My mind has been very busy lately thinking and feeling sorry for myself. It is difficult to be hurting both physically and emotionally. I suppose my eye is not causing physical pain other than the annoyance of the blurred vision and headache but it is still physical. I try to stay positive and most days I do just fine. I have been greatly encouraged by those around me and I thank each and every one of you. I would just ask that if you feel so inclined to pray for me, please pray for guidance for my Dr.'s, so that maybe we can have some answers. Maybe there will not be any. Maybe this is just the way my vision will be. I don't know. For now I will just try to be patient and wait for the nurse to get back with me about my appointment. Perhaps I can catch a rerun of House to keep me entertained. I'm pretty sure that if I did see him he would confirm that, "It's not Lupus." (Sorry, I could not resist a House quote.)



Thanks for "listening".--Jess

happy 90th, err 89th, birthday

Tonight my family and I went out to my great Uncle Butch's farm for his birthday. My grandma had told us that it was his 90th birthday so we thought that we should celebrate the milestone with him. We got out there and we shortly discovered that it is in fact his 89th birthday. Grandma thought her brother was 10 years older than her. Oops. We had a good laugh about it and enjoyed some good food. It is always good to get together with our family. I told Butch that I wanted to get back out when the weather was a little more agreeable to take some pictures around the farm. He said that he wanted me to take some pictures of the barn, especially the inside. It is from the 1800s and has a lot of character. I told him that I would be glad to try to get some pictures of it.

in the dirt

Like many others I have been wishing for warmer weather since about the middle of January. This weekend it finally came. I was able to get outside with the D40 and take some pictures. Once again the neighbors get to enjoy watching me lay in the grass or climb a tree to get an up close an personal shot of nature. Barbie is usually outside with me while I'm playing. She too enjoys laying in the warm grass.

Sunday, Tommy and I decided that we need to work on the front yard. It seemed like a much more doable task to just focus on one part of the yard. He manned the raking and mowing and I worked in my flower bed. It is always excited to pull away all the dead foliage and see the green underneath. My spring perennials are almost in bloom and that makes me really happy. Tulips are one of my favorite flowers. I also tackled the yucca plants that were here when I bought the house. I hate yuccas. If you are thinking about planting them, make sure that you want them around FOREVER. They will not die. No matter how far down I dig or how much weed killer I put on them they always come back. I cut them down and dug the suckers up. At least for now my flower garden is yucca free. I had Tommy run and get me some dirt to fill in some holes in the back of the garden. While digging up the yuccas we discovered a bunch of bricks, thus leaving holes. I covered the dirt with some mulch and now my garden looks so much better. There is more to be done but I will leave that for another weekend. I am pretty sore today and actually have a little bit of a sunburn. I guess I should have listened to Tommy when he told me to put on sunscreen.

I enjoy gardening which is something that I learned from my parents. My dad always planted a very large garden when I was younger. His garden is not as big now as it used to be but it is still bigger than mine. My mom has a rather large perennial flower garden. I have a lot to learn to be at their level of gardening but I still enjoy it. It is rewarding to make a dinner that mainly consists of veggies that you grew. I look forward to seeing who has the first tomato this year, my dad or me. Last year it was me, but who's keeping track? I would not say that I have the greenest thumb, but I like to pretend that I know what I am doing. For know I would say that my thumb is a light shade of green, maybe lime.

*Tommy took this picutre of me. If you look real close my eyes are closed but I still kind of like it.*

yummy new beads

Hi. My name is Jessica and I'm a beadaholic. I have long been obsessed with crafting. My grandmother is the person who I can give credit to for my craftiness. She taught me to embroider, something that I still enjoy. My love for making jewelry did not start until a few years ago. I decided that I wanted to make the jewelry for my wedding. Tommy and I were at an antique store and he found a necklace that he liked. We bought it and I restrung it and also made a matching pair of earrings. You can get an idea of it here. It all went downhill from there. I was hooked. Anytime I was at a store that sold beads I had to see what they had. I started to build up my stock pile. My mom told me about a craft bizarre her office was having. I started to make things for other people and they liked them! It is so rewarding for me. It is also a creative outlet for me. I tend to leave things laying around, but Tommy has gotten used to that. He has informed me on several occasions though that when we have a baby I will have to keep my beads picked up. Last summer my wonderful mom helped me to paint my front porch to make it into my "studio". I love having a space to keep all my supplies. I even got a label maker for my birthday to help me to get organized. Kimberly helped me to add to the growing supply when she went with me to the Bead and Button Show last year. Wow, talk about sensory overload. It was so much fun though.


Tonight I had two high school girls come over with their prom dresses in tow. I am designing jewelry for them. It is exciting to have enough of a stock pile so that my "client" can see what catches her eye. I love working with people to come up with something that they love. I can't wait to start working on them. Last weekend I got my newest issue of Bead Style in the mail. I sat down and poured over all the pretty designs. One of the features is all about green beading. I was very excited to see links to sites that sell various green beads. I really liked what Happy Mango Beads had to offer. The picture above is what I got in the mail today. They are so pretty. Now I just need to force myself to stop being lazy and get some things done. My mom's office is having another bizarre on May 1st. I need to get busy!