life's changes

The thing I wanted so bad is now gone. Some of you who read this blog and do not really know me that well may have wondered why there were some changes made last week. It all started last Monday when I went to my second OB appointment. I went alone because I figured that it would be no big deal and I would rather Tommy save his time off for later on when I really needed him to drive. That was a big mistake. Never again will I go alone. When I was in the room with my OB she could not find my baby's heartbeat with the Doppler. She tired to comfort me and said that most likely the placenta was just in front of the little one. She called her nurse in and I went to have a sonogram. As soon as I got in that room I began to fear the worst. I kept telling myself that I was being silly. My body had not given me any signs that anything was wrong, no spotting, no cramping. I was at 13 weeks and was actually starting to feel better. Anyway, back to the sonograms. The tech had a difficult time finding the baby at first. She said that it was curled up way in the back and I didn't have a full bladder. Instead of pressing around on me she decided to do an internal sonogram. That was not too bad. I don't really remember it. I was so focused on the screen (that I wish now I had not seen). There was my little one on the screen. It looked so much more like a "real" baby than the last one. Since we had a sonogram last time I could tell this one was different though. Last time there was a heartbeat that could be "seen" right away. This time I did not see anything. No movement. Then there was a line on the screen. I don't know but I can only assume that was what was supposed to be the heartbeat. A flat line. The tech took a few more shots and I just laid there. I got redressed and next thing I knew I was in another room waiting for my Dr. She was there in no time. She came in and had a frown on her face. The first thing she said to me is something I will most likely hear for a long time in my head, "We are not smiling. There is not a heartbeat." I just sat there in disbelief. Honestly I kept waiting for her to say something else like, but it is probably just because blah, blah, blah. She didn't say anything like that. She sat there quietly and told me that my baby actually only measured a little over 9 weeks. It still didn't sink in. She said some other things. After that she started to talk to me about a D&C. I started to well up then. We talked a little more and it was time for me to face the world.

I really do not know how I got back out to the car. I could barely see the numbers on my phone to call Tommy. His boss answered and he could barely understand who I was asking for. As soon as I heard my husband voice, I broke down. I think I had to repeat myself at least three times because he could not understand what I was saying. Finally when I got it all out he simply said, "I'm coming home." I called my mom next. She answered so cheerfully then I had to break her heart as well. Luckily she just works down the road from my Dr. so a co-worker drove her over. I was in no shape to even think about driving home. We sat in the parking lot for what seemed like forever. In reality it was probably about 30 minutes. I made some phone calls. I wanted to let people know. I wanted to get it out. Maybe I thought that would make it more real. I also wanted to let people know that I needed prayers if I was going to get through this. Those were the hardest phone calls I have ever made. On the plus side though I was told "I love you," from everyone I talked to. My mom drove me home and Tommy was here before us. We just stood in the middle of the living room on our pretty new carpet held each other and cried. For the first few days I pretty much cried for the first 24 hours. I didn't want to see anyone. I did not go to work. I couldn't. Wednesday my best friend came down to spend the day with me. It was so good too just watch movies and eat some goodies that she and her mom got for me. The week drug on. My "surgery" was scheduled for Monday. I cried when the nurse said that was the soonest they could get me in. It just didn't' seem fair that I had to carry it with me for another week. I didn't really do anything all week. I became a hermit. By Thursday I physically could not cry anymore. Saturday rolled around and we did some furniture shopping here in town and bought a new couch. I started to spot on Saturday. Honestly I was some what glad to see it. I opted to not have another sonogram because I didn't want to go though that again especially since the baby was not measuring close to the correct number of week. On Friday night I started to worry that I should have gone back in to have another one. The spotting told me that my body was now ready to let go and move on. That is what we must now do. Move on. I know it will get easier with time and we can try again. I also know that there are no guarantees that we will be able to have a child.

My D&C went well today. I was in and out of the OR before I even knew what happened. The thing I least liked was the fact that I had to walk into the OR and climb up on the table. I just started to look around and saw things I wish I had not. Luckily she got my IV in before too long (I'm a hard stick) and I drifted off. I feel as good as can be expected. Tommy has been with me all day and my mom has been in and out. She took the day off to go with us. I am loved and well taken care of. I hope that I start to feel better soon so I can return some of that love. I still have not come to terms with the "m" word. I can not say it and cringe anytime I hear it. I don't know why. I guess not saying it makes it easier for me.

Thank you to all of you out there who have kept Tommy and I in your thoughts and prayers. I know that is what has gotten us through this trying week. I look forward to spring now more that ever. I need to see new life and to be reminded that good things do come to those who wait and have faith.

syrup and chips

On my way home from work yesterday I stopped by the store to pick up a few items we needed for supper. While standing in line waiting my turn I hear a voice behind me say, "That's an interesting combination." I turned around to see an older lady smiling at me and pointing at my maple syrup, bacon and BBQ chips. I politely smiled and said, "Well, I am pregnant." She responded with, "Well then you have every right, honey." I guess I needed to justify my purchases to her.

sometimes it is the little things

Last night Tommy stopped and picked up a few things on his way home including a "surprise" for me. When we sat down to watch TV he started the DVD player. I asked what he was doing and he said this is your surprise. He had picked out a movie that he thought I would like. When the opening credits started I had no idea what it was. Finally the title came across: "The Prince & Me". I asked why he picked it and he told me that since I liked "The Princess Diaries" he thought I would enjoy this movie. He also picked it because there was a cute guy in it and he thought that I would like that. I laughed and settled down to enjoy the movie. I don't really remember this one when it came out, but I'm glad we watched it. It was very cute and even made me cry (not that it takes much to do that). It took me away for 111 minutes to a fairy tale world where meeting a real prince charming is not out of the question. If only I had a vault in my basement full of Harry Winston diamonds. A girl can dream right? We enjoyed the film. I must say that my real life "prince charming" did a good job of picking out a movie for his overly emotional pregnant wife. He has been so understanding and patient with me lately. I thank God every day for bringing us together. He means the world to me and I would not trade him for anything!

all I wanted was some bread

Last night nothing sounded good to eat. I finally decided on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I got out the pb&j but couldn't find the bread. I asked Tommy where he had put it. His reply was, "I ate it." Wrong thing to say to a pregnant lady who finally found something that sounded good. I broke down sobbing in the middle of the kitchen. After I could see again I settled on some applesauce and a glass of OJ. Maybe next time he finishes a loaf he will let me know...

confusing days

So apparently I'm farther along than I thought. I don't know why I can't wrap my head around the whole due date thing. I guess I'm so confused because I pretty much know the date of conception and that is throwing me off. Tonight as I was reading from one of my pregnancy books I told Tommy, "I think I'm actually 10 weeks instead of 9." I called Kimberly and she helped me to figure things out. I'll take another week! That just means I'm a week closer to being done with the first trimester. I have been feeling a little better lately. There are for sure good days and not so good days. Tonight I'm actually up past 7:30. I feel like a rebel. Maybe I'm getting some energy back. I keep telling myself that if I stay awake later, then I will sleep better throughout the night. Hopefully that works. I have been sleeping better though. This morning I don't remember Tommy's alarm going off (at 12:45 am) I woke up around 1:15 and he was still asleep. I nudge him and he rolled out of bed. oops. He made it to work in plenty of time. All in all I enjoy being pregnant even if I don't know how pregnant I am.

a heartbeat

Our first appointment went very well. We were there for a long time, but everything looks great. I had to pee twice on the way to Springfield because I could not hold all the water in they wanted me to drink. She said my bladder was still "very full". Ha. It was amazing to see our little one up on the screen. I think I said to her, "So there is really one in there." I guess I needed to see it to really believe it. The sickness and all positive pregnancy tests were not enough. I got to see the little baby growing inside me. Even better we saw and heard it's heartbeat. I was so surprised that we were able to hear it so early. She said, "and there's the heartbeat." At first I was thinking, mine? Then I realized that it was my baby's. Wow. I didn't cry like I always thought I would. I think I was too much in shock that we heard it. Tommy stayed glued to the screen. I'm so glad that he was able to be with me. He was such a trooper through the afternoon (I think we were there for about 2 hours). He even went in the exam room with me and the Dr. I really wanted him to meet our Dr. He said it was a little uncomfortable/weird, but not too bad. He was pretty tired from working afternoons the night before and I think his eyes were a little burnt from welding so he looked like he was less than thrilled to be there, but he really was excited. One of the nurses even said I was lucky that my husband was with me. I just thought to myself, why would he not be? After the sonogram I had to give them a "sample". No problems there. When I got done with that Tommy had the pictures in his hand. When we got back out in the waiting room we looked at it. I said you can't really tell anything. He said, "Yes you can. You can tell it has a head." It reminded me of the episode of Friends where Rachel can't tell what anything is on the ultrasound.

We came away from the afternoon uplifted and with a lot of reading material. They gave me a bag and a book. Our next decison will be to decide which hospital to deliver at. I didn't know I had to choose. Geez. I think I already know which one I want though. I need to talk to a few of my friends to see what their experiences were. I'm glad the first appointment is over and I look forward to more good reports. Until the blessed day our little one arrives on or around September 12th.

first appointment

We have our first appointment tomorrow. I'm excited/anxious. I think I am most nervous about drinking enough water before the sonogram. I know I will be miserable, but I guess it will be worth it in the end. I am so glad that Tommy is taking the day off to go with me. I think his calmness/humor will help out. Going to the doctore will make this all seem more real. It will be good to also know what my actual due date according to my doctor will be. I'm hoping that I am not as sick tomorrow as I have all this week. At least I took the day off so I can sleep in a little.

Afterwards we are going to go shopping and out to eat. This will be our chance to celebrate since we really have not had a chance to do so. Hopefully we find some good deals and I find some new tennis shoes.

the funny things he says

One day last week when I was home over my lunch hour Tommy was getting ready to leave for work. He gave me a hug and kiss goodbye and told me, "Thanks for housing my baby." I just smiled and told him, "You're welcome." He always finds a way to make me laugh.

pregnancy=tired

Growing a human makes you tired. The funny or really not so funny thing is that I have troubles sleeping. I have always been this way. I rarely fall asleep without the TV on. Luckily the people that have shared a room with me have always been heavy sleepers. Right, Kimberly? Tommy has no problems sleeping through Nick at Nite or Lifetime. I fall asleep in my new recliner and sleep a little in the evening but when it comes to laying down in bed at night I just can't seeem to fall asleep. Yesterday I went shopping with my mom and my husband. I was exhausted by the time we got home at 9:30. I still had the same troubles as always. Pre-pregnancy I would ocassionally take a Tylenol PM to help me ease into sleep. I guess for now it is just going to be the job of Fresh Prince, Home Improvement or another re-run to help lull me off to dream land.

Expecting

So, I'm pregnant. I'm still having a hard time believing it. I guess it will seem more real after the first Dr's appointment on Feburary 8th. I took my first home test on the 10th. I had 2 lines. I called my best friend at 6:30 in the morning and said, "I have 2 lines." It was kind of surreal. We had been trying for a few months, but it will still a shock. Tommy was at work so I could not talk to him until he got home that night. I left the test laying out in the bathroom. He walked out with the stick in hand grinning from ear to ear. "Is this 2 lines? Because 2 lines means pregnant," he said. I just smiled and said yes.

Now, I didn't immediately believe that one. Two days later I had another positive test and my basal temperature was still high. I called and made a Dr.'s appointment for the following Monday. The next few days were filled with excitement and anticipation for the confirmation from my family Dr. Monday before work I took yet another test (why waste a trip to the Dr.), positive again. The nurse called me back into an exam room and told me congratulations. So, 4 pregnancy tests later and I am still in shock. We want this don't get me wrong but it is still just amazing. Seriously. I went home, called Kimberly again (my support) then called and made my first appointment with my OB.

The next day at work was so difficult. I work very closely with my co-workers. Each time someone asked me how I'm doing I responded with a polite, "fine" but I wanted to say "I'm 4 weeks pregnant." By Wednesday I called Tommy at lunch and told him that we had to go to my parents that night and tell them. It was seriously making me sick not being able to tell anyone. The evening went well and I felt so much relief afterwards. On the way home I told Tommy that I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I will post another time about telling everyone. There are stories there that deserve a separate post. Now it is out there for the world to know and that is okay with me. Some people wait and that may work for some people, but I am not some people. It was the right time for us to share our news.