life's changes

The thing I wanted so bad is now gone. Some of you who read this blog and do not really know me that well may have wondered why there were some changes made last week. It all started last Monday when I went to my second OB appointment. I went alone because I figured that it would be no big deal and I would rather Tommy save his time off for later on when I really needed him to drive. That was a big mistake. Never again will I go alone. When I was in the room with my OB she could not find my baby's heartbeat with the Doppler. She tired to comfort me and said that most likely the placenta was just in front of the little one. She called her nurse in and I went to have a sonogram. As soon as I got in that room I began to fear the worst. I kept telling myself that I was being silly. My body had not given me any signs that anything was wrong, no spotting, no cramping. I was at 13 weeks and was actually starting to feel better. Anyway, back to the sonograms. The tech had a difficult time finding the baby at first. She said that it was curled up way in the back and I didn't have a full bladder. Instead of pressing around on me she decided to do an internal sonogram. That was not too bad. I don't really remember it. I was so focused on the screen (that I wish now I had not seen). There was my little one on the screen. It looked so much more like a "real" baby than the last one. Since we had a sonogram last time I could tell this one was different though. Last time there was a heartbeat that could be "seen" right away. This time I did not see anything. No movement. Then there was a line on the screen. I don't know but I can only assume that was what was supposed to be the heartbeat. A flat line. The tech took a few more shots and I just laid there. I got redressed and next thing I knew I was in another room waiting for my Dr. She was there in no time. She came in and had a frown on her face. The first thing she said to me is something I will most likely hear for a long time in my head, "We are not smiling. There is not a heartbeat." I just sat there in disbelief. Honestly I kept waiting for her to say something else like, but it is probably just because blah, blah, blah. She didn't say anything like that. She sat there quietly and told me that my baby actually only measured a little over 9 weeks. It still didn't sink in. She said some other things. After that she started to talk to me about a D&C. I started to well up then. We talked a little more and it was time for me to face the world.

I really do not know how I got back out to the car. I could barely see the numbers on my phone to call Tommy. His boss answered and he could barely understand who I was asking for. As soon as I heard my husband voice, I broke down. I think I had to repeat myself at least three times because he could not understand what I was saying. Finally when I got it all out he simply said, "I'm coming home." I called my mom next. She answered so cheerfully then I had to break her heart as well. Luckily she just works down the road from my Dr. so a co-worker drove her over. I was in no shape to even think about driving home. We sat in the parking lot for what seemed like forever. In reality it was probably about 30 minutes. I made some phone calls. I wanted to let people know. I wanted to get it out. Maybe I thought that would make it more real. I also wanted to let people know that I needed prayers if I was going to get through this. Those were the hardest phone calls I have ever made. On the plus side though I was told "I love you," from everyone I talked to. My mom drove me home and Tommy was here before us. We just stood in the middle of the living room on our pretty new carpet held each other and cried. For the first few days I pretty much cried for the first 24 hours. I didn't want to see anyone. I did not go to work. I couldn't. Wednesday my best friend came down to spend the day with me. It was so good too just watch movies and eat some goodies that she and her mom got for me. The week drug on. My "surgery" was scheduled for Monday. I cried when the nurse said that was the soonest they could get me in. It just didn't' seem fair that I had to carry it with me for another week. I didn't really do anything all week. I became a hermit. By Thursday I physically could not cry anymore. Saturday rolled around and we did some furniture shopping here in town and bought a new couch. I started to spot on Saturday. Honestly I was some what glad to see it. I opted to not have another sonogram because I didn't want to go though that again especially since the baby was not measuring close to the correct number of week. On Friday night I started to worry that I should have gone back in to have another one. The spotting told me that my body was now ready to let go and move on. That is what we must now do. Move on. I know it will get easier with time and we can try again. I also know that there are no guarantees that we will be able to have a child.

My D&C went well today. I was in and out of the OR before I even knew what happened. The thing I least liked was the fact that I had to walk into the OR and climb up on the table. I just started to look around and saw things I wish I had not. Luckily she got my IV in before too long (I'm a hard stick) and I drifted off. I feel as good as can be expected. Tommy has been with me all day and my mom has been in and out. She took the day off to go with us. I am loved and well taken care of. I hope that I start to feel better soon so I can return some of that love. I still have not come to terms with the "m" word. I can not say it and cringe anytime I hear it. I don't know why. I guess not saying it makes it easier for me.

Thank you to all of you out there who have kept Tommy and I in your thoughts and prayers. I know that is what has gotten us through this trying week. I look forward to spring now more that ever. I need to see new life and to be reminded that good things do come to those who wait and have faith.