shingles and such

Wow, it has been a long time since I last posted. Things have been a little more busy around here than normal. At the end of the day I have not had the energy to put into blogging.

Tommy and I went to Springfield, MO a few weekends ago. I wanted to be out of town for my "due date". We had a really good time just being together. While we were there we did some shopping and ate some good food. Tommy got to experience the Bass Pro Shops store for the first time. We manage to go there twice. It was so nice to be out of town and have my mind on things other than the fact that we were not getting to meet our little one face to face. When we got home that Sunday I told Tommy that I wasn't as emotional as I thought I would be. He just smiled and said I guess the trip worked then didn't it. Yes it did.

Last weekend my dad, our neighbor, Tommy, Jimmy and my brothers put a new roof on our house. That was a project that was long overdue. From day one of moving in here my dad, and our neighbor, said that the house needed a new roof. I was so nervous all weekend worried about rain. They worked all weekend long on it and the results are wonderful. Yesterday the truck full of shingles got taken to the dump. There are still a ton of small pieces in the driveway to be picked up. We'll get to them eventually. Our house looks so much better. I really didn't like the color of the old roof. I never even paid attention shingles before now. As I drive around now I find myself checking out the condition of other roofs in town. Yes, I lead an exciting life.

I must say that emotionally I'm doing much better than I have been in the last few months. I think that the chaos of everyday life has helped with that. For now we are just doing our best to stay positive. I think that Tommy and I have grown so much closer as a couple through the experience of losing a baby. I'm glad to have him by my side. I can't imagine having anyone else there...

28 short years ago

I showed this picture to Tommy this morning and he asked who took it. I told him I didn't know, but asked if he knew who it was. He studied it for a moment and said, "Well, I guess your mom but it really looks like you." I've been told that many times.

Twenty eight years ago at 6:45 p.m. I came into this world. I was even born on a Thursday. My mom looks so happy here finally able to hold her first born. Wow. What a feeling I'm sure. I look like I'm taking it all in with my little hand under my chin.

Today I have thought a lot about being a mom and the privilege it really is. I know how much I have grieved over the loss of our baby and how badly we want to be parents. It makes me appreciate my parents even more. Without their love and willingness to bring me into this world I would not be the person I am today. I am a better person because of them. My mom is always there for me. She was there for me last year on my birthday when my Dr. decided that he needed to do a lumbar puncture on me right then. She was also there for me on the darkest day, the day I found out there was no longer a heartbeat inside of me. My dad is always there as well, he is just much more quiet about his ways. If something goes wrong around the house I often don't turn to Tommy I want to know what dad thinks. I think this sometimes annoys Tommy. It's difficult to stop that habit though because my father is one of those guys who can fix everything. I'm lucky to have parents that have stayed together through it all and raised my brothers and I in a loving home. Thank you mom and dad for everything...

On another note, I now have the honor of sharing my birthday with my new niece. Tommy's sister had her this morning by C-section. He talked with her it sounds like everyone is doing great. I have even see a picture of her thanks to the technology of picture messaging! She is tiny any beautiful. We will be able to meet her in a few weeks. While I'm excited for their family, I also cried for about 15 minutes after he hung up the phone because I was sad. I have a feeling those "crying" moments are going to come and go as the next week gets here. I will push through and come out on top.

feather pillows

I finally made reservations for our "getaway" next weekend. I found a hotel that I was happy with and was going to book online. As I read through the website I noticed they were proud to offer down pillows. The only downfall of the place so far. I decided to call the hotel directly to book. Ashleigh was very nice and didn't laugh at me when I told her I need a pillow that was feather free. She said, "You mean like foam?" Yes, that would be great. Anything but feathers. I always take my own pillow, but just being around the other feather pillows is usually enough to set my allergies off and make me miserable. I do not want a repeat of our trip to Vegas last year. I had a really hard time enjoying myself all drugged up on allergy meds. Now that we have a place to sleep I can finally look forward to our weekend away! It is going to be a weekend for us to spend some much needed quality time together. We plan to visit the "original" Bass Pro store, eat, sleep, swim, shop and sleep some more. I think it will be good for us to spend some time away from home to regroup.

Next Friday is/was my due date. So hard to believe that I would be so close to holding my little one. I look back on the past several months and I really feel like the time has went by quickly. I'm doing better day by day. Everyone said I would. Most days I didn't believe them. I do not know what the future holds for us and I am trying hard to come to terms with that. We have started to talk about "what if" we are not going to have a baby. Now, I realize how this sounds, but it is a feeling that I have had most of my life. When I was younger I did not know if I ever wanted children. It was not until I met and fell in love with Tommy that I was 100% sure that I wanted children. Now the desire to be a mother often consumes my daily thoughts. Funny how life works? Like I have said before, I do not know what God has planned for us. I continue to have faith and know that His plans are perfect and in His time it will all work out, one way or another.

I want to take an opportunity to thank everyone who has been there for me throughout these past months. Your kind words both written and spoken have carried me through the dark days. No words can express the love I have felt from everyone. Some I have never even met face to face. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

frozen in time

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are completely frozen in time and can't move no matter how much you want to? You know you should be doing something, anything to help but you just have not idea what that might be? I had one of those moments yesterday. Let me back up a little bit.



My parents (my dad really) have been looking for an older Jeep to buy and fix up. They found one that fit the bill last week and my dad brought it home yesterday. Tommy and I decided that we would go check it out. My dad wanted me to take some pictures before he started any work and I was happy to oblige. I was really excited when we got there and saw that the Jeep was white. I have always wanted a Jeep especially a white one. Perhaps it is because of the movie Clueless. Anyway, I took a few pictures then we ate some dinner. Afterwards, Tommy and my dad went out to look under the hood to see if they could get it started. My mom and I walked around the yard looking at her flowers and once again looking for interesting insects for me to take pictures of. We didn't find anything. We headed back to the front of the house to see what the guys were up to. As we got to the driveway we heard the sound of the Jeep starting. We looked at each other in surprise. Wow, that didn't take long, I thought to myself.



Then it happened. It all happened so fast. I saw flames shoot out from underneath the hood and the next thing I knew my dad was on fire. ON FIRE. Oh, my gosh, my dad is on FIRE. His head was flaming as was his torso. I stood there on the sidewalk watching in horror not having a clue what to do. I had the D40 around my neck and part of me wanted to snap a picture, but I thought that was disturbing to take a picture of my dad burning. All I could think was that the Jeep was going to blow up with my husband still in it. You see Tommy was sitting in the driver's seat turning the key while my dad was under the hood putting gas in the carburetor. Tommy said he had no idea what was going on. He just heard my dad yell and knew something wasn't right. I hear my mom yell, "Roll on ground, Jay. Roll on the ground!!!!" I snapped back to reality and remembered, Stop. Drop. And Roll. My dad ran across the driveway and rolled on the ground. I remained right where I was motionless and about ready to throw up in my mom's flower bed. Tommy jumped out of the Jeep and my mom ran to get the hose to put out the flames under the hood. My dad, no longer flaming, yelled "You don't use water." He ran into the garage and got a tarp or something. The flames were out. Except for the ones that were now in the driveway. Tommy went over to stomp them out then his shoes caught fire. He said it wasn't but that's all I saw from the spot I was stuck to. On the sidewalk.



My dad went inside and my mom followed. I stood there for what seemed like forever then I just started to shake. What the heck had just happened? My dad's head was on fire. What? It was like something from a movie. I made sure Tommy was okay. My mom came back out and I asked how he was. She said that he was in the shower. "What should we do?", she asked. I just stood there and said I have no idea. I have seen that safety video at work so many times, yet I could not remember any of it. You never think you might actually have to use that information, right? We agreed that he needed to go to the ER. We went inside to see how he was. He said that he was fine and didn't need to go anywhere. He got some clean clothes and then came back out to the kitchen. I could see singed hair on the back of his head and his cheek was already peeling. He took a drink and I noticed his hand trembling. He looked at me and asked if I got pictures. I just kind of chuckled and told him that I didn't because I really didn't know what to do at the time. He laughed and sat down at the table. He started to put on his shoes. I knew he realized he needed to go to the ER.



He told us what had happened. When the engine started it backfired and the gas he was pouring in caught fire. It startled him so he jumped back and the gas in the cup he was holding spilled. This caused a chain reaction of fire. He chuckled and said that is why you don't use a whole gas can. As he smiled I could tell his cheek was already causing him pain as the skin pulled. He finished putting on his shoes and he and my mom left for the ER. They came back a little while later. The ER doctor had told him that he was very lucky and it looked to be just a superficial burn. They want him to follow up with his doctor on Monday. They gave him a salve to put on his face, ears and hands. Remarkably his shirt showed no signs of burn marks. It smelled horribly of gasoline, but no marks. Luckily he was able to put the fire out so quickly before caused any more damage to his skin.



Looking back, part of me wished I had taken a picture. I realize that sounds sick, but if you could see what I saw you would know that Someone had their hands on my father yesterday. Wow. Thank you God. I did get one picture as the flame flickered out under the hood. If you look closely to the bottom right of the photo you can see the flames in the driveway as well and you can see the reflection on my mom's car. Crazy. So, this is my moment where time froze and I had no idea what to do, what's yours?


My dad is doing okay today. My mom reports that his face looks dirty from burnt skin and his right ear has a blister on it the size of a grape. He has been sitting inside most of the day, but doesn't seem to be in much pain. As for the Jeep, it is resting inside the garage waiting for another day to be worked on...

a long overdue post

As I sit here on my front porch listening to the sound of the John Deere cut the grass for the second time this week, I can't help but smile. Tommy is so excited about his new lawn mower. I'll admit that I am as well. Our yard is starting to shape up. Now he will have more time to pull weeds and the other things that I have let go undone this summer. I can't even remember the last time I pulled weeds. My poor flower garden. The vegetable garden does not look much better. I guess it has been a combination of things that have distracted me from my normal garden routine. Lately it has been travel and beads that have kept me away.

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to have a "Lil' Moxey Jewelry" open house at a friend's. I took all of my beads over there and the "customers" picked out what they liked and told me what they wanted made. I came away feeling very overwhelmed and excited about the 30+ pieces I had to make. To date I only have a few said items completed. Tonight I finished one of the most time consuming necklaces I have ever done. I am really pleased with the way it turned out. Now I want to finish all my other orders so I can do more like that one just not as long.

This past weekend I had the chance to go see Kimberly and Sondra. We had a lots of laughs and did some damage to the bank accounts (at least I did). It was so nice to finally see Sondra in person. I don't really remember the first time I really had contact with her. I can remember her comments on Kimberly's blog and flickr. I always thought whoever that is seems really sweet. Well, I was right. She is just like I thought she would be, super awesome. When I woke up Saturday I was a little nervous. I felt like I was going on a blind date or something. I was a little worried that I would be like a third wheel or something (which is funny because Sondra blogged that she was worried that she would be a third wheel). Kimberly and Sondra had been planning to get together for a while and I just kind of somehow weaseled my way into their plans. Well, I'm so glad I was a little weasel. I foresee road trips in our future. There have even been talks of camping. Yeah. It was so good to just have some girl time. I was much overdue for that. Kimberly and Sondra have summed up our weekend so well so check out their blogs if you want to know more about it.

I came away from the trip feeling refreshed but also sad. I was sad to be leaving my good friends after only a day. I wish we lived closer. Good thing we have the Internet to keep us in close contact. I was also sad because I got to feel Baby Knight move. I chose to put my hand on Kimberly's belly. I wanted to. She is my bestest friend and I am beyond excited/happy for her and Josh. But it is so hard to not be sad at the same exact time. Ugh. Why can I not just be happy? Why do I have to constantly think about myself? Yeah, it's normal and blah, blah, blah but I don't like feeling this way.

When I got home from my trip north Tommy and I headed South in my dad's truck to go look for/buy a new lawn mower. It was long over due. We got the one he had been looking at on the Internet and headed back home. On the way I had a emotional meltdown. Lots of things on my mind. The emotions of the weekend had gotten to me and there are some other things that I will write more about later. I cried for about 10 minutes and finally calmed down. We take the country way for most of the trip. Tommy kept asking if I wanted to stop and take pictures of the wildflowers. (Insert shoulder shrugs and "I don't cares.") he finally pulled over and I was able to get a few shots. That cheered me up a little. Taking pictures definitely takes me to that happy place. I like to pretend that I work for National Geographic (dream of mine) or Discovery. Not that I am anywhere near talented enough or have nice enough equipment for that, but that is not the point is it? It is all about what makes us smile. And I like smiling.

So that is what I have been up to lately. Now I need some help from all of you out there. I would really like to plan a trip for Tommy and I. I have tossed around several ideas. They range from Southern IL-Rend Lake area (Karen any suggestions?), Nashville, Pensacola, FL or pretty much anywhere else within driving distance. I just feel like we need to get away for a little vacation and some time together. I welcome any and all ideas. Thanks.