really?

You know there are days when I wonder what life is going to throw at me next. Things have been pretty rough lately. I've done my best to hold myself together and keep my head up. Tommy was called back to work a month earlier than expected. Great! A few days after that my mom fell while carrying Lucy. She (my mom) ended up with a shattered ankle. Nothing three plates and 30 screws wouldn't fix. Fast forward a few more days and Lucy got sick. I finally gave in and took her to the Dr. He listened to her lungs and sent us for a chest x-ray. Poor thing had pneumonia and both ears were slightly infected. Luckily she loved her medicine and was better in a about a week. Tommy's work picked up and he was putting in a lot of overtime. I was starting to a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. What was I thinking? This past Monday I got a phone call at 3:55am. Tommy had fallen at work and broke his ankle. I couldn't believe what his supervisor was telling me. I had to quickly get myself together and get Lucy packed up. I took her over to my parents' because I didn't really have any other option so early in the morning. I'm very thankful that he was not hurt any worse. He too had to have surgery. He does not have as much metal as my mom though. He has six non-weight bearing weeks ahead of him. He got a new cast put on Friday and since then he seems to be in bit more pain. He spends his time in the recliner with his leg elevated on at least one pillow.

Throughout all of this Lucy has had a hard time coping. After the fall with my mom she was scared to go outside. She still says, "Snow? Ice?" when we leave the house or get out of the car. When we are at my parents house she stays away from my mom. She doesn't know what to think about the changes. Now that her daddy is hurt as well she is really out of her element. She is acting up more (I can't keep up with her getting into things), needs me more than usual (pretty much just follows me around and doesn't really play), is not sleeping through the night (goes down in her own bed but ends up in bed with me at some point), is not eating as well and in general is just not herself. We have been very patient with her and I'm talking to her about what happened and that it is okay. I found a book that talks about different "boo boos". If she needs help with something I have her ask her dad. We took her with us on Friday to get his new cast on. I thought it would do her good to see that his leg is under there and see the new cast go on. She did very well considering. Tommy went with a colorful cast hoping that it would be more appealing to her. I thought it was pretty sweet. Not too many men would go around sporting a pink stripped cast! I know this will all pass and there will be many more experiences that we will have to work through as a family. I just hate to see my little girl scared of her grandma and daddy.

I'm finding it difficult to find the balance between it all. Work is busier than ever. Lucy is requiring more attention than usual. Tommy can't do anything. I feel like I haven't done enough for my mom. Housework is something that I just can't seem to find the time for. I'm trying my best to continue to keep it all going. Last week I was so exhausted by the time Lucy and I sat down that I was almost asleep before her. Right now I'm looking forward to spring and warmer weather. Although that just means that the grass is going to grow and I have no idea how to use the lawn mower! Ha.

I had more cohesive thoughts for a blog post earlier today but I must have lost them somewhere between changing Lucy's poopy diapers and emptying my husband's urinal.

big girls don't need booby milk

Tommorrow morning will be the week mark for Lucy being completely weaned.  She gave up the night feeding right after her birthday but we were still nursing in the morning.  Last Wednesday I was running very late for work so I decided to just not nurse her.  I was so nervous that I would be uncomfortable or that she would freak out.  Turns out that neither happened.  I did feel a little full but never too bad.  I'll admit I'm sad about being done with breastfeeding.  Is it weird to say that I really enjoyed it?  There were days in the beginning when I wondered how I would ever make it a whole year.  The early days were painful and tiring.  It would take forever to feed her.  I felt like that was all I did.  Probably because it was!  When I went back to work full time after 8 weeks and started pumping I really didn't know if I would be able to keep it up.  My two 15 minute breaks were spent hooked up to my pump.  I had a daily battle on my hands trying to keep up with Lucy's demands for milk.  With encouragement I stuck with it and I'm so glad I did.  I would not give up the time spent for anything. 

Earlier tonight I told Tommy that I really wanted to nurse her one last time.  He told that probably wasn't a good idea.  I'm just having a hard time with the fact that my baby does not need me in that way anymore.  He reassured me that she will always need me in one way or another.  I guess I just assumed that it would be Lucy who had to be convinced it was time to stop, not me!  Of course now that she is not nursed to sleep we have the issue of no bed time routine.  That is a whole other issue that I'm trying to work on.  Tonight she was actually in bed at a reasonable hour.  I know that change takes time so I'm just being patient and trying to see what is going to work for us.

I also wanted to put up an update on her Dr.'s appointment.  She weighs 18 lbs 2 oz and is 29 1/4 inches.  She is still in the low end for her weight and average height.  Her Dr. is not concered since she has been there all along.  She also did great with her immunizations.  I'm so glad that I can get them done at my office.  I feel so much more comfortable having someone I work with give them to her!

being a mom

Before I was a mom I always knew that there were sacrifices that parents make for their children. Now that I've had the privilege of being a mommy for 6 months I know just what that means.  When I was pregnant I can remember laying in bed at night, trying to fall asleep between my numerous trips to the bathroom, wondering how I would cope with the lack of sleep when she was born.  Six months in and I don't think I've had more than 3 hours of sleep at a time.  There are few reasons for this: my husband's sleeping habits, our dog Barbie and Lucy.  Surprisingly I have adjusted to the lack of a full night's sleep. Generally I can make it through the day without feeling like total crap. Amazing how the body can adjust.  I guess it pretty much has to. 

Today I had to be out of town for a conference for my job. I had to be out of the house an hour earlier than normal and got home an hour later than normal.  That is the longest I have been away from my baby since she was born.  I thought for sure I would be fighting sleep by the end of the day, but I was totally fine.  I think the change in routine did me some good!!  Being gone all day also presented the issue of pumping on the road.  I took advantage of the morning and afternoon conference breaks do run out to the car and do this.  I have done this before but this time I had my mom's car and the windows are not tinted as dark as they are in my car.  I was creative and managed to be discreet.  At least I think I was!!  When I was sitting out in the freezing cold I had a good chuckle.  I thought about how ridiculous I must have looked with my jacket on backwards.  I also thought about all the time that I have put into pumping.  Lately I have been struggling with my supply again.  Seems to be an ongoing battle for me.  I still do not have a back up supply.  Most days I have to top off her bottles at lunch with the milk from my morning pumpings.  By now I figured that I would be able to keep up and even be ahead.  Is there anyone out there who has had similar issues?  Is there anyone who is even still reading this blog?  Ha! My goal is to breastfeed until she is a year old.  It is such a part of my daily routine now and I'm not ready to give up.  I will admit though that I look forward to the day when I can be away from her for a few hours without worrying about bottles and pumps! 

I'm not the first mommy to sacrifice time, sleep, sanity for their children and I will not be the last.  I think about my chidhood and how wonderful my mom was and it makes me smile. I know she gave up a lot to take care of my brothers and I.  Heck, she still does.  She's the kind of mom I want to be.  We are closer now than we ever have been and I think that is pretty neat.  I love you mom thank you for all you do/have done for my little family. You're the best.

not giving up

The other day I mentioned that I was having a hard time keeping up with Lucy's daytime feedings. Fast forward to today and she is now eating cereal twice a day and taking at least one 8 ounce bottle at the sitter's. The other bottle she takes is 5 ounces. Another ounce goes with her cereal. Um, yeah that is a lot of ounces and momma is having a difficult time.

When I was pregnant with Lucy I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. In my mind there was not another option. It has been such a stressful thing for me lately, but I'm not giving up. At the beginning of August my supply drastically dropped. I spoke with my Dr. and a lactation consultant from the hospital where I delivered. After some discussion we decided that it was best for me to stop taking birth control. It did not take long at all for my supply to jump back up. Now here I am two months later in a similar situation. I called the lactation consultant again today. We discussed a normal day for Lucy and I to try to figure out what I can do. Basically I'm already doing everything that she suggested. She said that I could try to take an herb called Fenugreek. After doing a little research I decided to give it a try. I am set on not giving her any formula even if it means that I have to get up in the middle of the night to pump!! The down side to being so dedicated to this is that I feel like my life revolves around my boobs. I'm constantly thinking about when I need to pump again or when Lucy will want to nurse again. It is wearing me down. I feel like I have not been very attentive in the other areas of my life. I don't even remember what I ate for lunch today. Most of the time when someone is talking to me I have to make an effort to pay attention to what they are saying. I'm not myself and it sucks. Is it worth it? Absolutly. Will we get over this hump? Sure. Will I be a little out of sorts until then? Most likely. Bear with me friends and family it might be a little rough for a while.

cereal, diapers and mommy

Yesterday was a big day for my little girl, she tried some rice cereal for the first time. She has been very interested in whatever I'm eating or drinking so I decided that she might be letting me know that she is ready to try some "solids". I mixed up a little cereal with some breast milk. It was more milk than anything. The first few bites she was not really sure what she was supposed to do. It didn't take her long to figure things out. She was even grabbing the spoon and pulling it towards her mouth. She has been taking 6 ounces of milk during the day at the sitter's. I have been having a really hard time keeping up with her. I generally have to pump at least one time in the evening to get enough milk for her. It is worth the effort though.

She is now in cloth diapers full time. Honestly it has not been difficult at all for me to transition to the laundry. Tommy has even commented that it isn't that much work and he doesn't know why more people don't use cloth! If I can convince the guy who can't put his socks in the hamper I think that just about anyone can do it. Ha.

We are still having issues with her only wanting me to hold her. She is fine during the day (thank goodness otherwise I would not be able to work) but when she is at home she just wants her momma. She is doing much better with Tommy holding her. Tonight my mom came over for a little while. She was actually able to hold her for a while and even got to give her some cereal. I was so excited for my mom!

There are so many more things I have thought to blog about but I'm way too tired to remember them right now. We had a busy weekend and I'm still trying to catch up.

weekend in cloth

Lucy will be three months old in a week. So far she has stayed in the same size of diapers since she was born. On Friday night I decided that I was going to just go for it and try out cloth for the weekend. I covered her little tush with one of the 24 colorful bumGenius diapers we have. We were actually away from home for the majority of the weekend and I did not have one leak or any other problem with the diapers. My only issue with them currently is that my wee one is just that, a wee little one. She is such a skinny little thing that the diapers are so big on her and I have to wrap them around her waist to the back. They seem a little bulky for now, but overall not too bad. It took a little time to get the hang of putting them because of the wrapping issue, but by today we had it down. I switched back to disposables for tonight and will probably use them the rest of this week. I have been having some issues with my milk supply so my evenings are spent caring for Lucy and trying to pump milk for the next day's bottles. It is taking me several pumpings to get enough for two bottles. Not fun. One night last week I was up pumping at 4 am. Like I said in a previous post though, I'm in it for the long haul and I will not give up on breastfeeding. I have talked with my Dr. and a lactation specialist and I think we have the problem figured out. Hopefully this week will be a little better. All that to say that I feel like I need to focus on that this week and not adjusting to diaper laundry every other night. I can put off other laundry, but stinky diapers can't wait!!

working for a living

Kimberly took this picture of me and Lucy a couple of weeks ago. I pretty much love it.

I have been back to work for a week now. It was not as horrible as I thought it would be. Lucy adjusted very well and did great at the sitter's. The sitter is pretty much family so that made the transition for me so much easier. I am able to go pick her up on my lunch hour to bring her home to nurse. It cuts my lunch hour way down, but I can't think of a better way to spend it. Actually I wonder what I used to do with all my time!

I think that it helps that I work/live in the same town. She is just a few minutes away if we need each other. :) Our mornings are going fairly well. This morning she wanted to get up around 5am and decided to be extra hungry so I had to nurse her twice before I left for work. That means I'm extra tired tonight and should be sleeping instead of blogging. I just wanted to pop in and say that we are surviving.

Lucy had her 2 month check up on the 10th. She is up to 9lbs 9ozs. The Dr. was happy with her weight gain. She also got her shots that day. I held her and just looked away. She wailed a tiny bit but overall she did very well.

I still need to pump some more tonight to fill up her bottles for tomorrow. Pumping is probably my biggest time issue right now. I feel like my day revolves around feeding my child! I will not give up on nursing though! I'm in it for the long haul. It's what's best for her. My job takes me out of the office a few times a week. I guess I'm going to have to figure out how to pump on the go! It is amazing how much your life changes and you don't even realize it. I would never have imagined that I would be planning my routes based on where I can find a spot to hook myself up to a pump. Ha! Well, I think that is enough booby milk talk for now. Sorry, like I said before, that is pretty much what my day revolves around.

I have some thoughts about being a working mom, but I will save them for another post where I am a little more coherent. I hope everyone is doing well!