Lil Moxey

really?

2011-03-06T23:29:00.000-06:00

You know there are days when I wonder what life is going to throw at me next. Things have been pretty rough lately. I've done my best to hold myself together and keep my head up. Tommy was called back to work a month earlier than expected. Great! A few days after that my mom fell while carrying Lucy. She (my mom) ended up with a shattered ankle. Nothing three plates and 30 screws wouldn't fix. Fast forward a few more days and Lucy got sick. I finally gave in and took her to the Dr. He listened to her lungs and sent us for a chest x-ray. Poor thing had pneumonia and both ears were slightly infected. Luckily she loved her medicine and was better in a about a week. Tommy's work picked up and he was putting in a lot of overtime. I was starting to a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. What was I thinking? This past Monday I got a phone call at 3:55am. Tommy had fallen at work and broke his ankle. I couldn't believe what his supervisor was telling me. I had to quickly get myself together and get Lucy packed up. I took her over to my parents' because I didn't really have any other option so early in the morning. I'm very thankful that he was not hurt any worse. He too had to have surgery. He does not have as much metal as my mom though. He has six non-weight bearing weeks ahead of him. He got a new cast put on Friday and since then he seems to be in bit more pain. He spends his time in the recliner with his leg elevated on at least one pillow.

Throughout all of this Lucy has had a hard time coping. After the fall with my mom she was scared to go outside. She still says, "Snow? Ice?" when we leave the house or get out of the car. When we are at my parents house she stays away from my mom. She doesn't know what to think about the changes. Now that her daddy is hurt as well she is really out of her element. She is acting up more (I can't keep up with her getting into things), needs me more than usual (pretty much just follows me around and doesn't really play), is not sleeping through the night (goes down in her own bed but ends up in bed with me at some point), is not eating as well and in general is just not herself. We have been very patient with her and I'm talking to her about what happened and that it is okay. I found a book that talks about different "boo boos". If she needs help with something I have her ask her dad. We took her with us on Friday to get his new cast on. I thought it would do her good to see that his leg is under there and see the new cast go on. She did very well considering. Tommy went with a colorful cast hoping that it would be more appealing to her. I thought it was pretty sweet. Not too many men would go around sporting a pink stripped cast! I know this will all pass and there will be many more experiences that we will have to work through as a family. I just hate to see my little girl scared of her grandma and daddy.

I'm finding it difficult to find the balance between it all. Work is busier than ever. Lucy is requiring more attention than usual. Tommy can't do anything. I feel like I haven't done enough for my mom. Housework is something that I just can't seem to find the time for. I'm trying my best to continue to keep it all going. Last week I was so exhausted by the time Lucy and I sat down that I was almost asleep before her. Right now I'm looking forward to spring and warmer weather. Although that just means that the grass is going to grow and I have no idea how to use the lawn mower! Ha.

I had more cohesive thoughts for a blog post earlier today but I must have lost them somewhere between changing Lucy's poopy diapers and emptying my husband's urinal.

20 months

2011-01-26T18:08:00.000-06:00

Things around the Moxey house have been a bit stressful lately. Tommy's lay off was extended until March. I'm trying my best to stay positive and enjoy the little everyday things. I thought I would share a bit of Lucy cuteness with everyone. Here is a little video I took the other day.

18 months

2010-11-17T20:32:00.000-06:00

Just a little video update of our little Lucy.

Leland Jay

2010-10-14T22:31:00.000-05:00

Leland Jay

Born 10-13-10

11:15 p.m.

6lbs 8 oz

20 inches

Welcomed home by my brother Luke and his wife Mindi and big sister Clara.

Congratulations to them!

Camillia Mae

2010-09-21T21:57:00.000-05:00

Meet Camillia Mae- my gorgeous niece born yesterday, 9-20-10 @ 7:52 p.m.

8 lbs. 13 oz

21 1/2 inches

The new little family. How cute are they?

It is hard to believe that my little brother is a dad.

Congratulations Tony and Rami!

july 2010

2010-07-24T15:28:00.001-05:00

Wow, the summer seems to be flying by. I can't believe how quickly the days go by! Lucy started fully walking on July 5th. Now she is everywhere. Tommy is working the midnight shift and a lot of weekends so that really limits what we can do. We are making the best of things though.

Above is a little video of Lucy feeding the fish at a lake near our house. My mom and I took her out there a couple of weeks ago.

She had Roseola two weeks ago. She had a high fever for two days then she got a rash. It was pretty rough on both of us. Basically all she wanted was for me to hold her. I was so glad when she got back to normal. Sick babies are no fun. Especially when there is nothing you can do to make them feel better but wait it out.

Ever since I stopped nursing her she has had troubles sleeping all night in her crib. Until now she has always slept in her own bed without any problems. Right around her first birthday she was sick with a cold. She had a really hard time breathing and could not sleep. I laid with her in my bed trying to keep her comfortable and trying to get some sleep myself. That was one of the first times she slept with me pretty much all night. Shortly after that is when we stopped nursing. Since then there has only been a few times when she actually slept in her own bed all night. Generally she will go down and then wake up at either 10:30 or 3:30 and call out, "Mom. Momma. Mommy." When I pick her up she puts her little arms around my neck and gives me a big hug. Then she turns towards the doorway and points letting me know that she wants to go to my bed. I have tried everything to keep her in her bed. One can only handle so much crying at 3:30am, especially when you have to get up to get ready for work in a few hours. Long story short, I am doing what I swore I would NEVER do, let my little girl sleep in my bed. It really hasn't been all that bad. Like I said before, Tommy is working midnights now so he is not here. On the weekends we just deal with it. Last night she actually stayed in her own bed all night.

One night this week she actually fell out of my bed. I woke up and realized that she was not there. It took me a second to remember if she was supposed to be. I keep my snoogle body/pregnancy pillow on Tommy's side of the bed to (I thought) keep her from rolling out. Anyway, once I realized that both her and the pillow were no longer on the bed I peered over the side. She was fast asleep on Barbie's pillow on the floor. We keep an extra bed pillow on the floor right by the bed for Barbie to sleep on. I guess when she rolled out she fell right on it and it didn't even wake her up. Crazy! I scooped her back up and put her back in bed.

Parenthood is an adventure. We are enjoying all the ups and downs and Lucy continues to amaze us each day. What a joy she is. Sounds like she just woke up from her afternoon nap, guess I better wrap this up!

baby steps

2010-06-09T18:05:00.000-05:00

Monday Lucy took her first steps. At lunch I walked into the sitter's house to find my little girl standing unassisted in the middle of the living room. She had a look of fear on her face and was kind of crying. I didn't move a muscle. I stood there in the doorway with the door still open. Her sitter had a ball in her hands and was encouraging Lucy to walk towards her. She took five steps towards her. I had to hold back the tears. She has taken more steps since then but pretty much only when encouraged by one of us. I know it won't be long before I'm chasing her all over the place!!

big girls don't need booby milk

2010-05-25T22:28:00.002-05:00

Tommorrow morning will be the week mark for Lucy being completely weaned. She gave up the night feeding right after her birthday but we were still nursing in the morning. Last Wednesday I was running very late for work so I decided to just not nurse her. I was so nervous that I would be uncomfortable or that she would freak out. Turns out that neither happened. I did feel a little full but never too bad. I'll admit I'm sad about being done with breastfeeding. Is it weird to say that I really enjoyed it? There were days in the beginning when I wondered how I would ever make it a whole year. The early days were painful and tiring. It would take forever to feed her. I felt like that was all I did. Probably because it was! When I went back to work full time after 8 weeks and started pumping I really didn't know if I would be able to keep it up. My two 15 minute breaks were spent hooked up to my pump. I had a daily battle on my hands trying to keep up with Lucy's demands for milk. With encouragement I stuck with it and I'm so glad I did. I would not give up the time spent for anything.

Earlier tonight I told Tommy that I really wanted to nurse her one last time. He told that probably wasn't a good idea. I'm just having a hard time with the fact that my baby does not need me in that way anymore. He reassured me that she will always need me in one way or another. I guess I just assumed that it would be Lucy who had to be convinced it was time to stop, not me! Of course now that she is not nursed to sleep we have the issue of no bed time routine. That is a whole other issue that I'm trying to work on. Tonight she was actually in bed at a reasonable hour. I know that change takes time so I'm just being patient and trying to see what is going to work for us.

I also wanted to put up an update on her Dr.'s appointment. She weighs 18 lbs 2 oz and is 29 1/4 inches. She is still in the low end for her weight and average height. Her Dr. is not concered since she has been there all along. She also did great with her immunizations. I'm so glad that I can get them done at my office. I feel so much more comfortable having someone I work with give them to her!

Lucy's Pinwheel 1st Birthday Party and some updates

2010-05-13T20:52:00.000-05:00

(A Knight Light Photo)

Sunday was my little girl's 1st birthday. We had a pinwheel theme for the party.

I can't tell a lie, my mom did a majority of the work. Besides cake we also had BBQ pulled pork, italian deer roast sandwhiches, crescent pinwheel veggie pizzas, pasta salad (made by a good friend) and some other munchies.

The picture collage was designed by Kimberly and I had it printed at my office. It is so fun. I made some pinwheels from scrapbook paper we hung them up. I had plans to make a ton more but that never happened. You can't really tell in the picture but under the collage there are the glass vases from our wedding (Happy 4 years to us today by the way). They are half full of Cheerios and have a pinwheel in them that my mom found at Hobby Lobby.

The large colorful pinwheel cake was the main cake. My mom made a small "1" cake for Lucy's smash cake.

I was so worried about the weather that day but God blessed us with a beautiful day to celebrate. We were able to be outside instead of in our small house. Lucy received so many nice gifts. She has had so much fun playing with everything this week. Of course right after we got done getting everything out of the boxes and in her play area in the living room she promptly crawled (no walking yet) over to the kitchen and played with the Tupperware. Typical.

(Taken by Kimberly)

Tomorrow is her 1 year check up and immunizations. I'm really not looking forward to those visits. Lucy has a really hard time with being around strangers. Tommy will be working so I'm flying solo. I am looking forward to having the rest of the day off with her though. She is such a bundle of joy. She jabbers all the time. Some of the things she says are, "Hi", "Bye" "Eye" (I realize they are are similar sounds but I can tell the difference), "Ball", "Dog", "Dada", "Mama", "Swing" "Fish", "What's That?". Most of them don't come out real plain, but if you are around her enough you know what she is saying. As I mentioned above she is not walking yet, but we are not rushing things around here. She pulls up on everything and cruises around on the furniture. This week she decided that she was too big to nurse before bed. For three nights in a row so far she has not needed a feeding before falling asleep. I still nurse her in the morning before I leave for work/the sitter's. She has not taken real well to cow's milk so far but we are working on it. She does get dairy in other forms though. Her 6th tooth (right front) just came through this week as well. Teething, as Kimberly and I have recently discussed, is one of the worst parts of parenting. It has been so hard for me to keep up with things lately. I can't even tell you the last time I sat down and watched an episode of House or Grey's Anatomy. I hope to do better about keeping up with this blog during her second year.

feeling thankful

2010-04-26T22:56:00.000-05:00

Today I'm feeling thankful for my healthy, happy, beautiful girl.

I thought I'd put up a quick post with a picture of her from last week. The Circus came to town last Wednesday. Tommy was working so my mom and I took Lucy. We had a great time. Lucy loved watching everything going on. I'm glad my mom took us!!

in denial

2010-04-12T22:47:00.000-05:00

I'm totally in denial that my daughter will be 1 in less than a month. Plans are in the works for her first birthday bash but I'm still having a very hard time wrapping my mind around it. Last week I was going through some of her clothes and came across one of her newborn onesies and I about lost it. I can remember my mom and I getting some of her clothes washed and ready before she was born. We could not believe how small they were. When she was first born they were even a little big on her. How did she get so big so fast?

We have so much fun with her. She is so much like me but I also see a lot of her daddy in her. She is pulling and cruising more and more, but has not braved any steps yet. On Easter weekend two more teeth broke through to make a total of 4. She looks like a little vampire. We have also dropped all of her daytime feedings. She pretty much did that on her own. I nurse her before work in the morning and then before bed at night. That means that I'm no longer pumping. What freedom that has brought for me. I think we are both about ready to be done with nursing. It is such a part of life that I don't know what it will be like to be done.

Lucy is doing so much better with letting other people hold her when I'm around. Last Friday Lucy and I went to watch my cousins run at a track meet. While we were there Lucy reached for my Aunt Paula and let her hold her for a good amount of time. It is so good to see her interacting more others.

I know that the years will continue to fly by. We are trying our best to savor every possible moment.

two years ago

2010-03-10T22:29:00.000-06:00

Two years ago today-

The rug was pulled out from under me. The life that Tommy and I created was suddenly gone. At that time I had no idea if I would ever become a mom again. I cried. I cried a lot. It was really hard for me to see beyond the hurt that I was feeling in that moment. The seven months that passed between losing our child and finding out I was pregnant with Lucy were rough. I can remember feeling like I was in a fog. Life was just happening around me. Looking back on that time I'm thankful that I had seven months to heal. I needed that time so that I could be the best mom possible for Lucy. Today my heart still aches for the child that I never held. I suppose that ache will lessen even more with time. Lucy has made that ache easier to deal with.

Two years ago today-

I had no idea that I would soon be the proud momma to a beautiful, blue-eyed, strong willed little girl. Lucy is now ten months old and I wonder where the time has gone. I'm making plans for her first birthday party and I wonder how that is possible. She has such a strong personality and that is coming out more and more with each day. She has her momma's strong will and stubbornness. We have so much fun with her. Now that she is crawling she is all over the place exploring the world around her. She gives me lots of kisses, but is stingy when it comes to giving her daddy kisses. I keep telling him that it has to do with the facial hair. Our lives are filled with joy because of her and I can't imagine what things were like before her.

9 month updates

2010-02-24T22:32:00.000-06:00

Some Lucy updates:

-Second tooth has emerged.
-Down to one bottle of my milk a day at the sitter's.
-I nurse her in the morning and before bed.
-Pulls herself to a standing postion.
-Babbles all the time.
-Favorite thing to say is dada.
-Mama comes out when she is upset.
-Started to crawl forward today.
-Can be a very picky eater for me.
-Doing better about being so clingy to me when around others.
-Weighs 16 lbs 6 oz.
-Is 27 1/2 inches long.
-Screams and flaps her arms when she sees her daddy.
-Screams and flaps her arms when my mom comes over.
-Likes to kiss her reflection in the mirror.

That's all the updates I can think of for now.

almost 9 months

2010-01-31T21:18:00.002-06:00

Lucy is almost nine months old so I thought it was about time I post an 8 month update. Let's just pause for a moment and let the fact that my baby is almost 9 months old sink in.....

What have we been up to lately? Honestly I can't even really remember the last few weeks. I came down with a horrible sinus infection that kicked my butt for about 2 weeks. It feels like I'm still trying to play catch up from that one. I'm just thankful that Lucy never got sick.

Lucy is still sleeping through the night. Occasionally she will wake up but on most occasions just needs to be repositioned or given her pacifier (only uses that to sleep) and she is back asleep. She is generally asleep by 8:00 pm and wakes up anywhere from 6:00-7:00am. I nurse her in the morning before I take her to the sitter's and again before bed. I'm still pumping during the day and I have not had to supplement with formula. Most nights I still have to pump again to have enough milk. I still have no back up supply in the freezer, but I'm not as stressed out about it as I was before. I'm still trying to make as much of her food as possible. When I was sick that is one thing that I feel behind on. I had planned to make a bunch of food the weekend I got sick. It was such a hard thing for me to go to the grocery store and buy premade baby food for her. I felt like a failure of a mother. I know, I know stop it already. I was sick and exhausted and down on myself. Tommy reassured me that she would be just fine if I didn't make all of her food. Since then I feel like we have been struggling with her eating. She very much prefers homemade food. Some of the foods that she likes are fresh green beans, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, acorn squash, mangoes, peaches, pears, bananas, kiwis, plums and blueberries. So far I have not been very successful at disguising chicken or any other form of meat enough so that she will eat it. Maybe she has her momma's keen sense of smell and knows before it even touches her lips that it is in there. She has become a pro at feeding herself Cheerios and puffs and really enjoys them.

Lucy is not crawling yet. She gets where she wants to by rolling/flopping around. She can go backwards. When it comes to trying to go forward she just kicks her feet and flaps her little arms. She has started to pull up on things. We'll see what the next few weeks bring. Today Tommy and I got rid of the coffee table in the living room. It was a collector of junk (totally my fault) and took up way too much space. Now we have lots more room on the floor for Lucy to play.

I'm not really sure how much she weighs. If I had to guess I would say around 18 lbs. Her next appointment is February 15th so we'll see how close I am. She is mostly wearing size 6-9 mo. There are still a few 3-6 mo. shirts that I have not put away that fit just fine. We are up to 2 totes of clothes that are too small!!

Something that she has started doing that I'm not too fond of it pinching/hitting my face. It seems to only be something she does to me. Since she was tiny she has liked to play with my face. Now she thinks its funny to grab my lips and pull. I have tried several different ways of correcting this behavior but we have not gotten over it yet. She laughs at me when I tell her "No!"

Right before Christmas Lucy's first tooth finally made an appearance. You can get a little glimpse of it in the picture below. She is currently working on the one right next to it.

I think that pretty much sums up the last month!

*Kimberly took the picture at the top of this post. Love it.

Christmas 2009

2009-12-26T21:20:00.002-06:00

Lucy sitting on her great grandpa's lap Christmas Eve.

Clara and her new puppy Sonny the Schnoodle.

Lucy loved tearing the paper.

And chewing on everything.

Clara and Lucy on Christmas morning at my parents.

Chewing and eating paper.

Looking cute in her purple jammies and red socks.

Lucy's new bookshelf that my dad made for her. Now we just need a day without rain/snow so we can get it home!

As you can see we had a wonderful time celebrating Lucy's first Christmas. She received many lovely gifts. It was so much fun to see her get excited about new toys. Lucy did very well with all the excitement and staying up late. I'm looking forward to what 2010 has in store for us.

happy holidays

2009-12-26T10:48:00.000-06:00

We are enjoying our little Lucy's first Christmas. We feel blessed and loved. Pictures to come.

month seven

2009-12-09T22:19:00.000-06:00

Today marks 7 months since I first met my little girl. She is such a joy and keeps me busy. Here are a few things we have been up to this past month.

We helped daddy put up lights outside.

Started sitting up without falling over.

Put up our Christmas tree.

Met Santa and Mrs. Claus.

It has been a busy and exhausting month!!

being a mom

2009-11-17T20:24:00.000-06:00

Before I was a mom I always knew that there were sacrifices that parents make for their children. Now that I've had the privilege of being a mommy for 6 months I know just what that means. When I was pregnant I can remember laying in bed at night, trying to fall asleep between my numerous trips to the bathroom, wondering how I would cope with the lack of sleep when she was born. Six months in and I don't think I've had more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. There are few reasons for this: my husband's sleeping habits, our dog Barbie and Lucy. Surprisingly I have adjusted to the lack of a full night's sleep. Generally I can make it through the day without feeling like total crap. Amazing how the body can adjust. I guess it pretty much has to.

Today I had to be out of town for a conference for my job. I had to be out of the house an hour earlier than normal and got home an hour later than normal. That is the longest I have been away from my baby since she was born. I thought for sure I would be fighting sleep by the end of the day, but I was totally fine. I think the change in routine did me some good!! Being gone all day also presented the issue of pumping on the road. I took advantage of the morning and afternoon conference breaks do run out to the car and do this. I have done this before but this time I had my mom's car and the windows are not tinted as dark as they are in my car. I was creative and managed to be discreet. At least I think I was!! When I was sitting out in the freezing cold I had a good chuckle. I thought about how ridiculous I must have looked with my jacket on backwards. I also thought about all the time that I have put into pumping. Lately I have been struggling with my supply again. Seems to be an ongoing battle for me. I still do not have a back up supply. Most days I have to top off her bottles at lunch with the milk from my morning pumpings. By now I figured that I would be able to keep up and even be ahead. Is there anyone out there who has had similar issues? Is there anyone who is even still reading this blog? Ha! My goal is to breastfeed until she is a year old. It is such a part of my daily routine now and I'm not ready to give up. I will admit though that I look forward to the day when I can be away from her for a few hours without worrying about bottles and pumps!

I'm not the first mommy to sacrifice time, sleep, sanity for their children and I will not be the last. I think about my chidhood and how wonderful my mom was and it makes me smile. I know she gave up a lot to take care of my brothers and I. Heck, she still does. She's the kind of mom I want to be. We are closer now than we ever have been and I think that is pretty neat. I love you mom thank you for all you do/have done for my little family. You're the best.

1/2 year

2009-11-09T21:26:00.000-06:00

Lucy is now 1/2 a year old. The days are going by so quickly. She is sitting up now fairly well on her own.

She is eating veggies like a champ. Fruits on the other hand she does not care for. We have attempted banana, apples and pears so far. All of which she pushed back out and gave us a face such as:

I've got pears on reserve in the freezer for when she decides that fruits are no longer yucky. In a few days I'll give another fruit a go. Any suggestions?

She continues to do very well during the day at the sitter's. She gets to spend the day with her cousin which I think is pretty special. I can already see a bond forming between them. Going to work is becoming a little more difficult for me at times. There are days when I just want to stay home and play. My evening are soooo short. Lucy does not nap much during the day so by around 6:30 at night she is pretty much spent and wants to nurse and go to sleep. Until recently she has been pretty much sleeping through the night. Sleeping through the night in Lucy terms is until around 5:30. This past week she has been waking up sometime in the middle of the night wanting to eat. I'm guessing it has something to do with a growth spurt. Hopefully she will get over that soon! All that to say that I do not have much time to spend with her in the evenings and that makes me sad. There have been a few mornings that I shed a few tears before I left for work. It's hard leaving her, but it makes me feel better when I take her the sitter's and she smiles and reaches for her. I know she is in excellent hands and is happy.

We are still cloth diapering full time. I love it. I do a load of diapers every other day.

She is primarily wearing size 3-6 month. There are still a few 0-3 in her closet that fit but they really should be packed away because they are summery. Last week I got all of the next size up clothing washed. It's fun to go through all the clothes and make new outfits. Then there are the shoes. Oh, for the love of cute little tiny pink shoes. Help me. I see an addiction coming on.

Lucy does really well when we are out and about. This past Saturday the girls in my family went on our annual outing for my grandma's birthday. Every November for over 20 years we have been getting together. We go somewhere different every year. We have shopped the various malls from St. Louis to Chicago. Several years ago we took the train to Chicago and stayed the weekend. It was an adventure to say the least. It is always a great time full of laughs. The past couple of years we have scaled down the shopping and just gone to eat at different tea rooms. It was so neat to be able to bring my daughter along for the first time. Here is a picture of our group this year. Mindi, my sister-in-law, is the only one missing out of it because she was taking it.

It is so incredible to watch the bond between Lucy and her dad develop. Tommy has been around more now that he is not working midnights and is enjoying having more time to spend with her.

It has been an incredible 6 months. Tonight when I was laying her down I paused to look in the mirror while she was still in my arms. It is just so much to take in that she is mine and only 6 months ago she was brand new to this world. How did I get so lucky? There are still a lot of days that my heart is heavy for the baby that I lost. It is something that I have not talked much about. I thought that having Lucy in my life would make the loss easier. It has but at the same time it is almost more difficult. I can't really put it into words right now and I don't want to bring down this post. God has blessed us so much over the 6 months and I can't wait to see what the next 6 brings. Excuse me now, I must go take a peek at my sweet little girl....

green beans and videos

2009-10-18T20:38:00.000-05:00

We tried out the high chair for the first time tonight. As you can see she is a very good eater. Here she is eating green beans with a little cereal.

Just for fun here are a few links to some videos of Lucy on YouTube:

Lucy rolling over for the first time.

(I was so surprised to actually catch her first time rolling over on video. You can hear the surprise in my voice. She has been rolling from her belly to her back since August, but this (10-6-09) was the first time from her back to her belly!)

Lucy eating acorn squash.

(My mom is feeding her acorn squash for the first time. As you can tell she is a fan!)

Lucy laughing at Barbie.

(Lucy thinks Barbie is pretty funny and Barbie likes to entertain.)

more food for Lucy

2009-10-04T22:34:00.000-05:00

This weekend I tried my hand at making some food for Lucy. I bought some fresh veggies from a local farmer on Friday. That night I dove right in and cooked some butternut squash. It was super easy to do and just a little messy. It did not take that long at all and the savings are tremendous! We now have Lucy portions of butternut squash, sweet potatoes and acorn squash in the freezer. It was a lot of fun for me to do. I feel so good about taking a little time out to make something healthy for my little one.

I'd say she's worth the extra effort. Wouldn't you?

not giving up

2009-10-01T20:26:00.003-05:00

The other day I mentioned that I was having a hard time keeping up with Lucy's daytime feedings. Fast forward to today and she is now eating cereal twice a day and taking at least one 8 ounce bottle at the sitter's. The other bottle she takes is 5 ounces. Another ounce goes with her cereal. Um, yeah that is a lot of ounces and momma is having a difficult time.

When I was pregnant with Lucy I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. In my mind there was not another option. It has been such a stressful thing for me lately, but I'm not giving up. At the beginning of August my supply drastically dropped. I spoke with my Dr. and a lactation consultant from the hospital where I delivered. After some discussion we decided that it was best for me to stop taking birth control. It did not take long at all for my supply to jump back up. Now here I am two months later in a similar situation. I called the lactation consultant again today. We discussed a normal day for Lucy and I to try to figure out what I can do. Basically I'm already doing everything that she suggested. She said that I could try to take an herb called Fenugreek. After doing a little research I decided to give it a try. I am set on not giving her any formula even if it means that I have to get up in the middle of the night to pump!! The down side to being so dedicated to this is that I feel like my life revolves around my boobs. I'm constantly thinking about when I need to pump again or when Lucy will want to nurse again. It is wearing me down. I feel like I have not been very attentive in the other areas of my life. I don't even remember what I ate for lunch today. Most of the time when someone is talking to me I have to make an effort to pay attention to what they are saying. I'm not myself and it sucks. Is it worth it? Absolutly. Will we get over this hump? Sure. Will I be a little out of sorts until then? Most likely. Bear with me friends and family it might be a little rough for a while.

cereal, diapers and mommy

2009-09-28T20:55:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was a big day for my little girl, she tried some rice cereal for the first time. She has been very interested in whatever I'm eating or drinking so I decided that she might be letting me know that she is ready to try some "solids". I mixed up a little cereal with some breast milk. It was more milk than anything. The first few bites she was not really sure what she was supposed to do. It didn't take her long to figure things out. She was even grabbing the spoon and pulling it towards her mouth. She has been taking 6 ounces of milk during the day at the sitter's. I have been having a really hard time keeping up with her. I generally have to pump at least one time in the evening to get enough milk for her. It is worth the effort though.

She is now in cloth diapers full time. Honestly it has not been difficult at all for me to transition to the laundry. Tommy has even commented that it isn't that much work and he doesn't know why more people don't use cloth! If I can convince the guy who can't put his socks in the hamper I think that just about anyone can do it. Ha.

We are still having issues with her only wanting me to hold her. She is fine during the day (thank goodness otherwise I would not be able to work) but when she is at home she just wants her momma. She is doing much better with Tommy holding her. Tonight my mom came over for a little while. She was actually able to hold her for a while and even got to give her some cereal. I was so excited for my mom!

There are so many more things I have thought to blog about but I'm way too tired to remember them right now. We had a busy weekend and I'm still trying to catch up.

labor day weekend

2009-09-08T21:11:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow the wee one turns 4 months old. She had a Dr's appointment last Friday and weighed in at a whopping 11 pounds and is 23.5 inches long. She is momma's little bit. We had a pretty good labor day weekend. My 29th birthday was the 4th. Tommy grilled some yummy pork steaks and we had my family over for supper. Saturday we went to visit Kimberly, Josh and Jasper. It was a really good visit and we even got to spend some time with Kimberly's awesome parents. I only wish we lived closer because our time is always cut short with them. Kimberly was able to take some amazing pictures of Lucy. I have only seen two so far and all I can say is wow. Lucy did very well on the two hour trip up and back. The rest of the weekend was spent pretty close to home. We did hit one of the neighboring town's Labor Day celebrations.

Lucy was pretty fussy this weekend. I'm guessing the shots did not settle well with her this time. Also, I think the tooth is starting to move again. Those two things combined made for a unhappy baby. I spent a lot of the weekend holding her while standing up (the picture above shows how we spent a lot of our time together). Needless to say I did not get any of the housework done that I had planned on doing. Tommy was home so that was a huge help. He also switched his shift at work so he will now be home more often at night to help out. Despite the fussy times during the day she is still sleeping very well at night. She generally only gets up once and that is very early in the morning. Last week I started to add more cloth diapering to our schedule. We are now using cloth full time on the weekends and when she is at home. The only time she has a disposable on is when she is at the sitter's. I talked to her sitter last week about it and she seems on board with the switch. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. The laundry has not been that bad at all. Tommy even stuffed a load of diapers for me over the weekend!

Wow, I just looked at the time. It's after 9:30 and I need to head to bed. I need my beauty sleep. Ha!

almost 4 months

2009-08-26T21:02:00.004-05:00

Lucy is approaching the 4 month mark. It seems like she is changing each day. When I picked her up out of her crib this morning I told her that I was pretty sure she had grown a few inches overnight. She always gives me a big smile when she sees me peer over the side of the crib. Cute yes, but at 4:00 am mommy just wants to go back to bed before the alarm goes off for work. She is such a good little girl at night for me. She generally gets up once around 3 am to nurse. I'm probably up for about an hour total. Once she is done eating I burp her (still not the best burper) and lay her back down. She is generally wide awake and smiling at me when I put her down. I just wrap her up the best I can and lay back down. She babbles to herself until she falls asleep. She has slept through the night two times now. I'm hoping for more of those nights!!

Her little teeth have not popped through yet. They seem to have stopped moving for now. She has a Dr.'s appointment and her next round of vaccines next Friday. I will be anxious to see how much she weighs. I'm guessing between 10 and 11 pounds. She is a little thing yet. It is so exciting to watch her become more aware of the world around her. Last week she rolled from her tummy to her back for the first time. She looked at me after she did it and smiled. Precious. When she is playing with a toy she tries her best to get it in her mouth. Usually she just gets her hand in her mouth instead. She loves it when she is talked and sang to, unless she is trying to nurse or go to sleep. It seems we have a momma's girl on our hands. When Lucy is tired she just wants her mom. When she is in my arms she calms down almost instantly. It makes me feel great, but it also makes it hard on me. Poor Tommy thinks his daughter does not like him. I keep reassuring him that when she is tried she is just soothed by me holding her. With his work schedule he is around her during her fussy time and that really stinks.

We are still cloth diapering on the weekends. I have not been brave enough to transition to it full time. I love the diapers though and it has been going really well. I plan to make the transition in the next few weeks.

I suppose I should go to bed now while the little one is still asleep.

Lucy wants to say hello

2009-08-14T21:31:00.003-05:00

Ignore my annoying high pitch voice. Lucy responds well to the high notes. :-)

weekend in cloth

2009-08-02T21:21:00.005-05:00

Lucy will be three months old in a week. So far she has stayed in the same size of diapers since she was born. On Friday night I decided that I was going to just go for it and try out cloth for the weekend. I covered her little tush with one of the 24 colorful bumGenius diapers we have. We were actually away from home for the majority of the weekend and I did not have one leak or any other problem with the diapers. My only issue with them currently is that my wee one is just that, a wee little one. She is such a skinny little thing that the diapers are so big on her and I have to wrap them around her waist to the back. They seem a little bulky for now, but overall not too bad. It took a little time to get the hang of putting them because of the wrapping issue, but by today we had it down. I switched back to disposables for tonight and will probably use them the rest of this week. I have been having some issues with my milk supply so my evenings are spent caring for Lucy and trying to pump milk for the next day's bottles. It is taking me several pumpings to get enough for two bottles. Not fun. One night last week I was up pumping at 4 am. Like I said in a previous post though, I'm in it for the long haul and I will not give up on breastfeeding. I have talked with my Dr. and a lactation specialist and I think we have the problem figured out. Hopefully this week will be a little better. All that to say that I feel like I need to focus on that this week and not adjusting to diaper laundry every other night. I can put off other laundry, but stinky diapers can't wait!!

working on a tooth

2009-07-24T18:19:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow Lucy will be 11 weeks old. I actually had to just count that up on the calendar because it didn't seem like it could be 11 already. Her most recent development is that she is working on her first tooth! Yep, 2 months old and she is teething. Last weekend she was not herself. I kept telling Tommy that if I didn't know better I would think she was getting a tooth. I didn't think that it could actually be true. She was fussy, drooling A LOT, not wanting to sleep or eat and when she did eat it was for short amount of times. Also, when she eats it started to feel like she has little razor blades in her mouth, yea-ouch. She was born with two little white dots on her lower gum. That is the spot where the tooth seems to be moving. My sister in law was actually the one who felt it and brought it to my attention. Now we are just waiting to see if it actually pokes through or stays like it is for a while. Thank goodness for Aunt Mindi or we would probably still be trying to figure out what is going on with her.

It is just hard to believe that our little girl is already growing up. Almost every day Tommy tells her that she needs to stop growing. I can't wait to see who she becomes but I really want to cherish these cuddly baby moments because I know they will soon be gone.

working for a living

2009-07-13T20:57:00.006-05:00

Kimberly took this picture of me and Lucy a couple of weeks ago. I pretty much love it.

I have been back to work for a week now. It was not as horrible as I thought it would be. Lucy adjusted very well and did great at the sitter's. The sitter is pretty much family so that made the transition for me so much easier. I am able to go pick her up on my lunch hour to bring her home to nurse. It cuts my lunch hour way down, but I can't think of a better way to spend it. Actually I wonder what I used to do with all my time!

I think that it helps that I work/live in the same town. She is just a few minutes away if we need each other. :) Our mornings are going fairly well. This morning she wanted to get up around 5am and decided to be extra hungry so I had to nurse her twice before I left for work. That means I'm extra tired tonight and should be sleeping instead of blogging. I just wanted to pop in and say that we are surviving.

Lucy had her 2 month check up on the 10th. She is up to 9lbs 9ozs. The Dr. was happy with her weight gain. She also got her shots that day. I held her and just looked away. She wailed a tiny bit but overall she did very well.

I still need to pump some more tonight to fill up her bottles for tomorrow. Pumping is probably my biggest time issue right now. I feel like my day revolves around feeding my child! I will not give up on nursing though! I'm in it for the long haul. It's what's best for her. My job takes me out of the office a few times a week. I guess I'm going to have to figure out how to pump on the go! It is amazing how much your life changes and you don't even realize it. I would never have imagined that I would be planning my routes based on where I can find a spot to hook myself up to a pump. Ha! Well, I think that is enough booby milk talk for now. Sorry, like I said before, that is pretty much what my day revolves around.

I have some thoughts about being a working mom, but I will save them for another post where I am a little more coherent. I hope everyone is doing well!

growing

2009-06-23T18:06:00.004-05:00

Six weeks. That is how old my baby is now. Last week I took her to my office and had one of the WIC nurses weigh her. She is up to 8lbs 8ozs! She is a growing girl. Finally she is fitting into a couple of her size 0-3 clothes, but not many. During the day she is spending a little more time awake. At night she is sleeping very well. Generally at least 4 hours but up to almost 7 at times. One thing for sure is that she really likes to be swaddled. When she busts out of it she wakes herself up. Usually I just have to wrap her back up and she is good to go. We have introduced the bottle since I will be going back to work soon. Sigh, back to work. I hate those words. I never thought I would like to be at home so much. I think most of the anxiety is not so much about being away from her but worrying that she will be too much trouble for her sitter. I have all the faith in the world in her sitter. I just worry about her crying too much or not sleeping or not taking her bottle. I guess that just comes with the territory. The good thing is that since I work in town I will not be too far away if she "needs" me. :) Well, she is crying and it sounds like she might be hungry so I guess I should wrap this up. Here is a picture of her today sporting her BabyLegs. Ah, so cute!

lucy live

2009-06-17T21:43:00.003-05:00

Lucy likes to chill on her changing pad. She turns her head so she can either check out the pattern on the cover or look at herself in the mirror. Here I was able to catch a few little baby babbles.

bear with me

2009-06-17T19:55:00.004-05:00

I am trying to change the look of the blog and I screwed something up. Hopefully I can figure it out soon. I really have no idea what I'm doing. Lucy is sleeping soundly right now, but I don't know for how long!

one month

2009-06-09T22:14:00.005-05:00

It would seem that a month has already passed since Lucy was born. I do not have the energy to type much of a post right now. We are getting along great (most of the time) and enjoying getting to know her. I can't believe how much she is changing already. Such a sweetie.

life with a 2 week old

2009-05-27T20:13:00.004-05:00

No doubt, our lives have forever changed. Who knew that such a little body could bring two people closer? I feel like I have fallen in love with my husband all over again. To see him hold his little girl makes me smile. I just peeked in her room and he was leaning over her crib watching her sleep and telling her goodbye. He is still working midnights and has to leave us soon. The plus side of that shift is that it has been nice to have him here in the mornings to give me a little break when he gets home.

Lucy is such an amazing baby. She sleeps 3-4 hours between eating. I am breastfeeding and that is going very well. She took to that right away when we were still in the hospital. I have ordered a breast pump so I hope to try to introduce her to the bottle soon. Although, I will admit I like that she is so dependant on me and only me right now for her feedings. I enjoy the closeness that it brings. My favorite feeding time of the day is the early morning hours. The light filtering through the windows and the birds chirping make everything seems so peaceful. It is just me and my little girl. My daughter. Oh, how long I have wanted to be able to say those words. We have been on a few outings and she is so content. She really likes stroller rides and has stayed awake for them so far.

Barbie has been such a good dog with her. We were worried how she would react to a new little person since she has been our baby thus far. When we got home with Lucy I sat down on the couch so Barbie could check her out. She jumped up on the couch, gave Lucy's head a quick sniff and lick and went on her way. That pretty much sums up how she has been with her. If Lucy is crying and I don't get to her quick enough Barbie gets nervous. She is however VERY protective of her new non furry sister. When there is someone here that Barbie does not know, especially a male, Barbie is on guard. There is one rather, um, gross story about Barbie and Lucy. I wasn't going to share it, but what the heck. Last Monday I carrying Lucy to her crib after a feeding. I heard something hit the hardwood floor. I turned around just in time to see that her cord had fell off and slid out of her pant leg. A split second later Barbie had snatched the cord and ran to hid under our bed with it. Tommy tried to get it from her but it was too late. We can only assume that she ate it. It's not like we were going to keep it, or anything. It just really grossed us out!!! Remington has only been around Lucy a few times. He is such a big and powerful dog that I have not let him get too close. I'm sure that in a few years they will be good buddies.

Tommy was home with me for the first week. He is such a wonderful dad. When we were in the hospital he jumped right in and changed most of the diapers and did all he could to help out. He listened intently while the nurses gave us pointers. For the first week he was the glue that was holding us together. It took me a few days to feel human after coming home. I really don't know how I would have made it through without him. My mom has also been such a support. She was home with us the first Monday and then she stayed home with us all last week. It was so good to have her here as well. She cleaned and organized a lot!! I seriously do not know what I would do without her. Hopefully she is not tired of my calling her and asking her questions yet.

Just a quick update on what is going on here. I think I'm going to try to get ready for bed and get a few zzz's before lil Lucy wants to eat again. Yeah, my bedtime is pretty much between 9 and 9:30 pm these days and I'm loving it!

it started with a trickle and ended with a wail

2009-05-21T19:55:00.004-05:00

On Saturday, May 9th, 2009 I woke up around 7:30 and took the dogs outside. Since it was Saturday morning and I was really pregnant I decided that I would just go back to bed for a little while longer. Tommy had worked the night before and would be home around 9:00 so I thought I would just hang out in bed until he got home. I fell asleep watching Nickelodeon cartoons as usual for a Saturday morning and woke again at 8:45. I got out of bed faster than usual and as soon as I put my feet on the ground I felt something. There was something trickling down my compression socked feet. "Hmmm, I wonder if my water just broke?" I thought to myself. I just blew it off thinking I was just wishing that were the case. I went to the bathroom and there was more. (sorry if this is TMI but there will most likely be more of that in this post) Now I was really thinking that something was up. I started to panic a little. I immediately called Kimberly. Josh answered the phone and I told him that I really hated to bother her because I knew she was having a yard sale but I really needed to talk to Kimberly. She got on the phone and I explained what had happened. We talked for a few moments and decided that I should wait to see if I "leaked" more. I walked into the bathroom and there was for sure more fluid. We decided that I should call my Dr.'s office. Before I called the Dr. I called to check in with Tommy. I asked where he was and he said he was not too far away. I told him that was good because I was pretty sure that my water had broken and we were going to have a baby soon. Next, I quickly dialed the number for my Dr. and before I knew it was I explaining to the nurse what had happened. She agreed that my membranes had ruptured and I was going into labor. She said that she would call the hospital and let them know I was on the way. She asked if I had someone to drive me and I just chuckled and said, "Actually my husband is just getting home from working midnights." Perfect timing we agreed. I remember telling her that "this is not supposed to happen." She laughed at me and told me that it would have happened eventually. I agreed with her, but I just did not expect her to make her arrival so soon! I hung up with her and just stood there in the middle of the bathroom rather indisposed leaking. Tommy walked in and kind of laughed at me. I'm sure it was a site.

Tommy quickly jumped in the shower. I decided that I needed to wash my hair but I didn't want to get in the shower because at that moment I could not remember if I was not supposed to take a bath or was it a shower. I just decided that I would lean my head into the shower and he could wash my hair for me. I knew that I would feel so much better with clean hair. Once we were both all cleaned up I finally put some clothes on. That was a process. I had no idea what to put on. I finally opted for some black shorts so that my "problem" was not as obvious as I walked into the hospital. Tommy was flying around the house throwing things into our bags that were already semi-packed and in the car from our trip to the hospital on the 7th. Before I knew it my sister in law, Mindi was there and my mom and niece Clara were not too far behind. We were all just somewhat in shock. I went into the kitchen to grab my bottle of water and said, "I don't know what to do." I think it was my mom who finally said, "I do. You need to be getting in the car and going to the hospital." So, that is pretty much what I did. We put a blanket down on the seat and off we went. We first stopped at the gas station for an energy drink for Tommy and more Fiji water for me. He also grabbed a sandwich since he was just getting home from work.

After our pit stop, we started our almost hour drive to the hospital. At this point I was having contractions but they were more like cramps and tolerable. I remembered that I had downloaded contraction master on my iPod so I pulled it out to start recording. I also started to call just about every number in my phone. It helped me to keep my mind off of what was happening. I think Tommy and I were both in such shock that our little girl was coming that we barely remember the drive to the hospital. Before I knew it we were at the hospital. Tommy dropped me off at the front door and I walked, in leaking the entire way. He went to park the car and I got checked in. While I was standing at the desk a lady standing there said, "Oh, your feet look like mine did." I looked down at my horribly swollen feet. I noticed that even they were getting a little damp. "Please don't look at my feet," I thought to myself. The admitting clerk finally got me a wheelchair and Tommy got there. They took us up to the 3rd floor to the triage room where we had been two days before. The nurse asked me a few questions and gave me a gown to change into. She came with me to the bathroom to check things out. She took one look and said, "Oh, yeah, you are ruptured." Once I was changed they took me right to a room.

We were both very calm and just kind of laughing at the whole situation. Once in room #307 I got into the bed and settled in. My nurse (who was amazing and deserves a post of her own) started to hook up monitors and ask me questions. This was around 11:00 am. Before I knew it there was a MALE resident in my room to check things out. (This was the first time I was check by male throughout the pregnancy, but it actually didn't phase me.) I was 70% effaced and only 1 cm dilated. They put in a call to the on call Dr. Since my membranes had ruptured they would not let me get out of bed. That really sucked. I did not want to labor in bed, but I dealt with it. The contractions were getting stronger, but were still tolerable. The resident came back in and explained that since I was not more dilated the Dr. wanted to start pitocin. I told him that I really did not want to do that and asked if we could wait. He said that would be fine and we could wait a little while to see if I progressed any on my own.

Around noon my nurse, J, started to work on getting my IV started. Ugh, I HATE IVs. I think it goes back to my experience with the lumbar puncture and subsequent IV therapy. I told her that I'm usually a hard stick. She work very hard on finding a good vein to get it on the first try. Like I said, she was amazing. At this point my mom (who we had asked to be in the delivery room with us) and I had convinced Tommy that he really needed to get some sleep before things got too intense. He was happy to oblige and was out and moaning before long. Around 1:00 I had a blue-raspberry Popsicle. My aunt Paula called to check in on me. I told her that we were just waiting things out for a little while. My contractions were around 3 minutes apart at this point and getting stronger. At 1:25 pm the resident checked me again. Not much progress. He said that they wanted to place an internal monitor to see how strong my contractions were. He also said that we really needed to consider starting the pitocin to get things going. I asked if I could think about it. He said that was fine. I really did not want to have pitocin. In my mind I wanted no drugs and I was worried about stronger contractions. On the other hand I knew that since I had been ruptured since earlier that morning the clock was ticking and my baby girl was coming out one way or another. I turned on my side to get a little more comfortable. I talked over starting the pitocin with everyone and decided that it would be best.

Around 1:45 pm J came back with the pitocin. She joked about how some women just need to smell the stuff and they go down. Well, guess what, I'm one of those women. She had barely hung the bag on the pole and my contractions were really intense. By this time I was very quiet and Tommy was helping me to breath through the pain. He was an awesome coach. Around 2:20 pm I started to get really really hot. My mom and Tommy were freezing in the room. My nurse came back in and noticed that my demeanor had changed. The contractions were intense enough to bring tears to my eyes. J checked me around 2:45 pm. My mom's copious notes do not say if I had made any progress at this point. I was getting frustrated with myself and said, "This sucks, I thought I was stronger than this." Tommy was watching the contractions on the monitor. It was great because he was able to watch for a contraction and help me breath through it. At this point I was starting to get back labor. That really SUCKED. I decided that I wanted something to take the edge off the pain but I didn't want an epidural yet. I figured if I had something to give me a little break I would not be as tired later. J gave me some New Bane (sp?) around 3:00 pm. I had some in my IV and some in a shot. Whew, that was some crazy stuff. I felt intoxicated. The pain was still very much there but I just felt very much at ease between them.

They helped me to get comfortable on my left side and changed some of my bedding. By 4:15 pm I was having very strong back labor and steady contractions. J checked me again at 4:30 pm. I was at 4 cm. She asked if I needed anything for pain. I still wanted to hold out. I didn't last as long as I would have liked. J came back in before long and I looked at her and said, "I think I'm going to have to wimp out and get an epidural." She reassured me that I was not wimping out and said that she put in a call. It seemed like things got really intense then. I was having a hard time staying focused through the contractions. Tommy was right there in my face helping me but I still could not focus on staying calm. It just hurt SO BAD. I felt like I was being ripped apart. The Dr. came in to place the epidural and Tommy and my mom had to step out. That was by far the worst part of the day. I was still groggy from the New Bane and I was in so much pain that I was having a hard time sitting up and over the bed. J was right there in my face the entire time helping me to stay focused through the pain. I was all too familiar with needles in my back so that didn't really bother me. I was more worried about holding still so that nothing went wrong and I had to endure another spinal headache!! Before I knew it the torture was over and I was started to feel numb. Oh, how glorious it was indeed. J asked how I was doing at one point. I told her I was fine. She just smiled and informed me that I was having a very strong contraction. I was glad that I had waited though so that I was able to have the experience of labor.

5:00 pm: While my mom and Tommy were out of the room waiting she called a few people to update them. She reported that Casey and Kimberly were going crazy waiting to hear how things were going and that they were proud of me. I felt a little down on myself for getting the epidural but I decided that it was what was best for myself and my little dumpling. By 5:30 p.m. my mom and Tommy were back in the room. My mom's notes say that I was much more at ease. 5:45 pm I was trying to rest. Dr. B came in around then and checked my progress. Still at 4 cm. At this point I started to shake really bad. I could not hold still. I was trying to catch up on Twitter updates on my iPod and listen to music but I was shaking so bad that I thought I would drop it. I finally gave up and just laid there. J kept checking in on me and told me to let them know when I stared to feel pressure. She had told me earlier in the day that I needed to have the baby before 7:00pm because her shift ended then. Well, a few minutes before 7 I started to feel something. I called for J and she came in to check me. She got a big smile on her face and said it was good news. I was at 9 cm!! She kind of laughed and said she guessed she was working over. My mom was on the phone with my sister in law, Mindi at that time. They were trying to decide when to pick up my dad and head to the hospital. When J announced that I was a 9 Mindi decided that was a good time to make the trip.

J told me to let them know if I felt more pressure. Everything happened so quickly after that. According to my mom around 7:20 I felt more pressure and called them. All of the sudden lights and mirrors were coming out of the ceiling and there were a lot more people in the room. Besides Tommy and my mom there was the resident from earlier that day, a med student, my nurse J, and the Dr. I guess there was at least one nurse waiting for dumpling as well but I don't really remember.

At 7:53 pm I started to push. Wow, that was hard. Not that it hurt, it was just really difficult to tell where to focus the pushing. My mom had one leg and held the back of my head and Tommy had the other leg. Everyone kept telling me how great I was doing. I did pretty good through the first two sets of pushes but by the third I was too out of breath most of the time to do much good. They kept encouraging me. Finally dumpling started to show us that she had dark hair. It took me a little while to focus in the mirror and see what they were talking about. Once I could see her head that gave me all that much more to focus on. I was able to better focus my pushing. Finally her head was right there and almost out. I knew that with the next set of contractions I was going to push her out. All of the sudden it was happening. At 8:40 pm there she was, little dumpling was out, Lucy Ella was alive and wailing to let us all know that she was fine.

Someone said, "It's a girl," and I was relieved. Deep down inside I was somewhat worried that she would turn out to be a he. They asked if I wanted her on me before they cleaned her off. Um, of course I do. They my squirmy, crying, goo covered little daughter on my chest. I stroked her little head and told her hello. I expected to cry like you always see women do on TV. I didn't. Honestly I think I was still in shock from the entire day. Sure, I knew that it would happen eventually, like the nurse on the phone said, but I just wasn't ready for it 16 days early. They took her and cleaned her up. She weighed in at 6 lbs 8.8 oz and was 20 inches long. She was a healthy little girl. Her daddy and grandma were right by her side with the cameras to record her first few moments outside the womb. The "team" finished up with me. I only had a small little one stitch tear to take care of. Before I knew it my little Lucy was cleaned up, swaddled and back in my arms. I could not believe it was finally happening, I was holding my daughter. After all the heartbreak of last year I was holding the child we so longed to have. Our family was complete. There are so many more stories to tell about our first few days as parents, but I think I have babbled on long enough. I'm sure that most of you (all 4 people who read my blog) could care less about all the nitty gritty details of my labor and delivery but I wanted to get it down while I could still remember what happened so that I can day share it with Lucy. She is amazing and her daddy and I are sure proud of her. Everyone says that she looks like her daddy and I would have to agree. We can't wait to watch her grow and change. For right now we are soaking in every moment of baby love that we can.

little pea pod

2009-05-12T11:37:00.003-05:00

Just a little update. We came home Sunday night. We got home around 11:00 pm. It was a long ride home, including a stop at a gas station to eat. We didn't time our discharge too well considering we are an hour away.

Everyone is doing good. She is eating very well and is actually wanting to eat right now so I suppose I should go. I just had to post this picture that Tommy took at the hospital. We think she is as keeper!

I will hopefully post later this week about her arrival. Thanks to everyone for all the well wishes. We feel so loved!!

meet Lucy

2009-05-10T10:39:00.001-05:00

Born May 9, 2009. 8:40 pm, 6 lbs 8.8 ozs, 20 inches long. 16 days early!!

well that was fun...

2009-05-07T20:19:00.003-05:00

Per my Dr.'s orders I have been having someone check my blood pressure twice a day at work. Until today everything was fairly normal. Today my afternoon blood pressure was over the magic number that she told me to watch for and call her office. Well, I made the call waited for them to get back to me. I really expected her to just want me to recheck the pressure and rest. I was wrong. the nurse called me back and said that my Dr. wanted me to head into labor and delivery to be check out and monitored. Crap. I really did not want to hear that. I was at work and it took me a few minutes to gather my thoughts, throw everything into my desk and let my co-workers know what was going on.

I called Tommy and woke him up to let him know I was on the way home and we were going to the hospital. We quickly grabbed a few things, just in case, and headed out. I think that was the longest drive ever. We got to the hospital and went to the admitting desk. They put a bracelet on my arm and got a wheelchair to take me upstairs. I told her that I didn't need it, but apparently it is protocol. They set us up in the triage area. I was hooked up to the monitors to watch lil dumpling and monitor contractions. Of course there was also the awful blood pressure cuff. Lab also came and drew several vials of blood. Tommy sat there being supportive and trying to stay awake. Poor guy didn't get much sleep before we had to leave. Time went by fairly quick. Little one was very active during the whole thing. My blood pressure stayed low as well. I was starting to feel a little silly for being there, but I was just doing what I was told. I did notice contractions while I was laying there as well. A resident finally came in to talk to me. She said that all of my labs were normal and everything else looked fine. She was going to put in a call to the on call Dr. and see what she said. She asked how I was feeling and I told her I was fine but I was pretty sure I was having contractions. She asked how far apart they were and I said that I wasn't really sure since I didn't have a clock to go by. I kind of thought that is what the monitor was for? They checked that out and decided to go ahead and check me to see if I had made any progression. I was the same as I had been on Monday at my Dr. appointment. So, they call the Dr. and she said to send me home. The resident came back in and explained a few things to me. Honestly she made me feel bad for going there. She explained the best way to take my blood pressure. I told her that I was not doing it at home, rather I was having NURSES check it at work. I know she did not mean anything by what she was saying and was just doing her job, but I felt let down. I felt like I did something wrong. It's not like I really wanted to leave work early and drive an hour away just to be sent home for nothing.

I am very thankful though that I'm typing this post from my home and my little girl is still safely in my womb. As they say it is always better to be safe rather than sorry...

37 week update

2009-05-04T19:26:00.002-05:00

Today we had our 37 week appointment. My blood pressure was fine. My Dr. was not too concerned about the swelling in my feet. She agreed that they were really bad, but as long as my protein levels and BP looked good she said that there is nothing to worry about. She asked if I had headaches or blurred vision. I told her that I have been experiencing some blurry vision lately. With that information she just asked me to have the nurses at work check my BP at least once a day and call her if it gets too high. I'm praying that it stays in the normal range so that she does not see a need to induce me, which she mentioned. Yikes. I'm officially dilated to 1 cm. Baby's head is down and at the zero station. I'm not thinned out yet though. Hopefully next week will show more progress.

Tommy and I went to our childbirth/Lamaze class on Saturday. I guess you could say that we enjoyed our day. It was a long day, especially for Tommy, but I think it was worth it. When we were doing relaxation/breathing exercises (only a small part of the day) we could not look at each other without laughing. I felt like the class clown. We had a nice time being away. We went out to eat and did a tiny amount of shopping. I looked for some shoes to wear. As of right now I only have 1 pair of flip flops that I can even fit my feet into. Yes, I have to wear RED shoes no matter what color of shirt I'm wearing. Oh, well. My feet hurt so bad when we were in the last store that I actually started to cry, right in the middle of Gander Mountain. Talk about embarrassing!

Right now I'm laying on the couch with my compression sock encased feet propped up on a few pillows. I'm doing my very best to drink a ton of water and not do too much. It is oh so hard though when there is so much I want to do before lil dumpling decides to join us. I did my first load of baby clothes yesterday. Until now my mom has been washing everything for me at her house. Yes, I have the best mom ever. Next up to wash is the cloth diapers. We don't plan on using them at first but I want to have them ready to go for when we transition to them. Hopefully I can get that done tomorrow.

I have really enjoyed being pregnant, but I must say that these last few weeks have been less than enjoyable. I think that if I didn't have the extreme swelling to deal with I might not feel that way. It will all be worth it so soon. Meeting the little one squirming around inside my belly is pretty much all I can think about at this point.

36+ weeks

2009-04-30T19:47:00.005-05:00

Earlier today I had a blog post rolling around in my head. Right now though it would seem that pregnancy brain has kicked in and I can't remember what I wanted to write about for the life of me...

This weekend Tommy and I finally have our birthing/Lamaze class. It is all day on Saturday. Since we are an hour away from the hospital, we decided to stay up there tomorrow night so that we don't have to get up so early on Saturday morning. I guess you could say that this is our last little getaway sans baby. I'm looking forward to spending some time with Tommy. He has been working straight midnights for longer than I can remember now. He also works most weekends. This means that there is little time left for "us". It has not really been too bad until the last few weeks. I'm am really not able to do much at all once I get home from work. My feet have now become something that I no longer recognize. I pretty much come home from work and try to keep them up as much as possible. There is so much that needs to be done, but my body is telling me that I need to just slow down and take it easy.

Lil Dumpling is still fairly active despite the fact that she has to be out of room. I am down to weekly Dr. appointments and everything has been right on track at them. Our dogs seem to know that something is up. If I move an inch Barbie is on alert. The other day when I was walking around the yard with Remington. He came over to me and nuzzled up to my belly. He did that several times and then finally left me alone. I half thought that maybe I was going to go into labor soon because he NEVER does that. Alas, I did not. I guess everyone is very excited to meet the little one!!

I'll end with a picture of me that Tommy took today on my lunch hour. I don't look all that great, but hey I'm over 36 weeks pregnant so what do you expect?

let the countdown begin

2009-04-15T21:34:00.003-05:00

According to my baby countdown timer there are only 40 days left until my due date. Um, how in the world did that happen? It seems like the weeks are going by so quickly now. Monday I have my last 2 week appointment. The following week I will start my weekly Dr. visits. It's starting to get real folks. Lil Dumpling is so active these days. Tommy gets a kick out of talking to her and feeling her intense kicks and rolls. All I can say is that I'm so excited to be a mom!! It will not be long now!

that time of year

2009-03-24T20:00:00.006-05:00

This is hands down my favorite time of year. Everything is coming back to life. The grass is bright green and the flowers are blooming. I LOVE IT!! Having a nice lens for my camera has been such a blessing this spring. Although I must admit it is very difficult to get in the correct position to take some of the pictures I want. Here is a peek at some of the beautiful things in my world right now. If you want to see more check out my Flickr page. http://www.flickr.com/photos/moxey/

a year ago

2009-03-10T19:50:00.004-05:00

It has been a year ago today that I went to a routine OB appointment and heard the three words that no expectant mother ever wants to hear, "There's no heartbeat." I have cried so many tears since then. I heard many times that time will make it easier. Yes, that is true. I don't cry every time I think of the baby that I never held. However, not a day goes by that I don't think of him or her. There are so many "what ifs" that can be said here but I won't. I think back to the pain I felt going through the loss, both physical and emotional and know that it made me a stronger person. When I was at my lowest I never would have believed that in a short year I would be 29 weeks pregnant.

Lucy is moving so much these days. Just a short time ago her movements were just little bumps and flutters. Now they are full on kicks. I was in a meeting at work Monday morning and she gave me a good kick in the side. One of those that makes you jump and lose your breath for a split second. I grabbed my side and just smiled. My boss stopped talking and just laughed. I LOVE feeling her move and never get tired of it. I told Tommy tonight that I am amazed at how quickly her movements became more noticeable. I said I can tell there is an actual human in there now instead of giant worms or some alien like creature. It seemed like the transition was overnight. She is very noticeably human now. Her little butt and feet poke out the side of my stomach and it makes me smile and giggle every time. I'll endure the pain in my ribs because I know that means she is strong and healthy. It is all getting very real.

My mom gave me one of my shower gifts early this weekend. She bought us some of our cloth diapers. I was so excited to get them. I got to show them off to everyone that was not quiet sure about the whole cloth diapering thing. Everyone was surprised at how different they are than what they thought of a cloth diaper. They are so stinking cute! Sure there are still some people who have their doubts. I do realize that it is an adjustment. There are going to be challenges no matter what kind of diaper I put on my child's rear. I get frustrated when people think I'm naive and don't realize "what I'm getting into." I'm not just talking about diapers. I feel sometimes like people think I'm a young uneducated person that knows nothing. Sure, I have never had a child of my own. Sure, there are going to be times where I feel lost and need help. I realize all of these things. However, I do not need to be constantly reminded of that. I am looking forward to motherhood more than I ever thought I would. I am just tired of hearing all of the negative aspects of it. I have been waiting to have a child now for about two years. I have been through so many ups and downs. It is time to focus on the positives. I didn't expect this post to turn into a rant about the comments I have gotten lately. Most of the comments have come for people I don't even know. I guess they have gotten to me more than I realize.

All I can say is that a year ago I would have given anything to make those three words go away. I wanted everything to be different. I know now that God had other plans for us. Our little one is gone but never forgotten. I just wanted to take this opportunity to remember our little angel. Also, I want to say thank you for everyone who has been so supportive throughout the healing process. I would not be where I am right now without your help.

Wow, this post did not go at all where I thought it would. That is why I love blogging. I can get my thoughts out there and out of my head. I must end now so that I can pack. For the next two days I will be away for a work conference. I'm really not looking forward to sitting in all day meetings. Yuck.

just checking in

2009-03-01T21:25:00.004-06:00

This post will be short because I burned my fingers earlier tonight. I lifted the lid off the kettle in the oven to check supper. I angled it the wrong way and burned my two of my fingers on the steam. Yeah, it still hurts, BAD.

I just wanted to write a quick post to say that I'm still here. Life has been somewhat hectic lately. It has thrown a lot at us lately and we are doing our best to work through it all. I won't get into everything on this blog, at least not at this time. I will say that Tommy and I have had to face a situation that I never thought we would have to. We could really use continued prayers as we work through things. If you want to know how to specifically pray for us, send me an email and I'll fill you in.

Everything with the pregnancy is going good. Lucy is getting stronger. I was trying to explain to Tommy what it feels like to feel her move. All I could come up with at the time was that it feels like a giant worm twisting around. He gave me a strange look. I guess it is different for every woman and every pregnancy. This weekend Tommy was off for a few days. We were able to get some things hung up in her room. Her room is coming together and we are so excited about it.

It seems that all of the sudden I'm in the 3rd trimester. Wow. Everything seems to be going so fast now. I'm finding that everyday things are getting more difficult for me. Tommy and I spent some time this weekend looking for a new front load washing machine. After only two stores I was exhausted. My body lets me know when it is time to rest. Tommy is being so supportive and watches my every move. He makes sure I'm drinking and eating enough, two things I still struggle with. I feel so blessed to have him by my side.

Well, I'll end this post here as I need to refill washcloth with some ice cubes. I hope that everyone is doing well.

diapers, a furry best friend and the orange drink

2009-02-11T21:57:00.014-06:00

We (I) have made a decision that we are going to use cloth diapers for Lucy. Yours truly, who hates doing laundry, decided that it was the best thing for us all around. Tommy was supportive no matter what I wanted to do. For some reason it scares me to make such a decision. Kimberly has been using cloth diapers for a few months now and loves them. It helps knowing someone who is currently having success with them. I'm sure that I would not have taken the plunge otherwise. It is amazing the reaction I get from people when I tell them about going cloth. I think a lot of people do not realize how different diapers are today. I think they are so stinking cute and I can't wait to see them on Lucy. Yes, the laundry will be something that I have to get used to doing more of, but there will be a lot of new things that I will have to adjust once she is here. Tonight I finally started an online registry for them. I guess that was my way of committing to the decision. We will be using the bumGenius 3.0 diapers.

As I type this post Barbie is laying on the arm of the couch behind me. She has her head resting on my shoulder and I'm laying my head on her back. She has been such a little cuddle bug lately. She knows that something is going on with me. Almost on a daily basis she will sniff my belly as if to say hello to the little one. Tonight I was in Lucy's room doing some organizing. Barbie came running in with one of her toys in her mouth as if to say, "Okay, enough of playing with the baby things. My turn!" I threw the toy a few times and moved on to something else in the room. I sat down in the rocking chair and she came running over and immediately wanted on my lap. I laughed as I got a mental picture of myself with Lucy in one arm and Barbie in the other. It shall prove to be an interesting adjustment for all of us.

Monday is my next Dr.'s appointment. My mother and I both have the day off for President's day so she is going with me. At that appointment I have to do the glucose test. The bottle of the lovely orange drink has been sitting in my fridge haunting me since my last appointment. I'm just praying that I past and I don't have to do the 3 hour test!

I think this is about all I have the energy to type for now. I'm hoping for a comfortable nights sleep!!

**I'm have troubles getting my post to look the way I want it. Sorry if it is difficult to read.

growing

2009-02-05T20:56:00.005-06:00

Tonight is the first night all week that I have not fallen asleep shortly after supper. It would seem that pregnancy is starting to kick my butt. Every day it seems like my stomach grows a little more. When I seem my reflection I'm almost surprised by what I see. Of course with an expanding midsection comes the sore back, troubles getting comfortable while sleeping, difficulties bending over and the list goes on. One thing that amazes me is that while I continue to get larger my weight gain has stayed low. I attibute that to my general lack of appetite. When I am hungry I try to eat fairly healthy, so I guess that helps to keep the weight under control. Something that I am really struggling with is drinking enough. I have always been really bad at getting enough water during the day and now when it is more important than ever, I'm not any better. However, I have been drinking chocolate milk by the gallons. I can't get enough!! Between Tommy and I we go through 2 gallons of milk (he drinks white, I drink chocolate) in a few days. At least I'm getting calcium. I'm anxious to see what the next 15 and a half weeks bring. Here is a picture of me last week at 23 weeks 2 days.

reading and such

2009-01-24T14:10:00.008-06:00

Growing up I loved books. One of my favorite past times was reading. As I got older and life got a little more busy I didn't find as much time for pleasure reading. Now that I'm expecting I look forward spending time reading to her. I had my mom gets some of my old books down from their attic. I was excited to dig through the box and search out my favorites. The one I was most excited about was "Mr. Bell's Fixit Shop". I had searched for it online only to find out it was of course out of print. I found it on a few websites for $20-$30 but that seemed a tad steep for a children's book. The book was in the box from the attic. Sadly it has seen better days. The front cover is tattered and the back cover is missing, but all of the pages are there. I have been reading "Oh, Baby, the Places You'll Go!" to Lucy. People may think I'm crazy but she starts moving when I'm reading. My aunt who works with an early childhood program, said that they give that book to all the expecting moms. One lady said that when she read it to her baby after it was born it responded. How cool is that. Sure it could be a coincidence but research shows that babies do hear in the womb so maybe there is something to it? Whatever the case may be, I am enjoying bonding with her through reading.

In other news I had my monthly Dr.'s appointment on Wednesday. They did another ultrasound to take a look at her heart and face since they didn't get a good look last time. She appears to be perfect. I asked my mom and grandma to go along since Tommy went last time and we really can't afford for him to take off work. We had a good time and did a little shopping after the appointment. It hit me that there were 4 generations on that little trip. One of them was in my belly, but she was there. I look forward to many more days like that.

*Blogger is being contrary right now and is not letting me move my pictures, so I guess they will both have to stay at the top of the page. Annoying.

little. cute. clothes.

2009-01-13T21:50:00.004-06:00

Tonight I pulled out a few of my favorite outfits that I have bought for Lucy. I thought I would share them.
So there you have a little glimpse into Lucy's wardrobe so far.

little flutters

2009-01-08T20:46:00.003-06:00

Around Thanksgiving I started to feel little flutters in my belly. I wasn't sure if it was Lucy at first. Now I am feeling her on a regular basis. The movements are still not that strong, but it is for sure baby. Tommy has been anxious to feel her as well. Every night he puts his hand on my belly hoping for something. On Tuesday night she was really moving around. I told Tommy and he quickly put his hand on my tummy. It wasn't long before he felt his daughter move for the first time. It was magical. We looked at one another and smiled. What a wonderful little moment in our lives. For that one little millisecond everything was okay and life was good.

Not a day goes by when I don't thank God for the miracle that is growing inside of me but I can't help but rewind to this time last year. I was pregnant. Life was good. I did not know what the future held. Today I was doing a yearly home visit with a client. One of the first things she said when I sat down was, "You had a baby right?" Wow, I was not prepared for that one at all. I was shocked that she even remembered. I went on to explain what had happened and that I was again expecting as I gently rubbed my expanding tummy. I am constantly amazed at how sharing my experience can actually be comforting. I have had several clients tell me about their own experiences of loss. We are generations apart but we are women talking about a very tender time in our lives and I find comfort in that. So, while I am over the moon excited about the little one fluttering in my tummy I still think about the other child that was once in there and I never got to hold. Life is full of changes and surprises around each and every corner. I am trying to learn to embrace these surprises and changes and to not let them rock the boat too much.

room update

2009-01-03T21:29:00.005-06:00

Tommy was right, he did a wonderful job painting the room. He got it done quickly too. It is so nice that it is painted and the crib and furniture are in there. Now I just have some finishing touches like artwork and a rug to find. Oh, and we need to decide on a rocking chair as well. I'm very happy with the way it turned out. I love the paint color. Generally I'm not very good at picking out colors. This time I took a piece of the bedding to the paint store and had them match the color. So easy and much less stressful. I bought 2 gallons and we only ended up needing 1. Like I said, I'm not so good at picking out paint. The pictures really do not show the color very well though. My photography skills are not up to par when it comes to capturing indoor shots. So, if you want a better idea of what the room looks like and you live close, or even if you live far away and are up for a road trip, stop on by and check it out. There are also a few more pictures on my Flickr account.

Her room is quickly filling up with clothes. I need to separate them out by size to see what we actually have. I have only bought a few things, the rest is all my mom. Tomorrow my mom and I are going to try to go shopping to check see if we can hit some good sales. I'm hoping to find a few things for myself as well. I'm noticing that some of my pre-pregnancy shirts are not fitting so well. I'm also in need of some "comfy" pants. If you know me well you know that as soon as I walk in the door from work I'm in lounge wear. I must say that my belly is getting bigger even though I'm still pretty much at my pre-pregnancy weight. At least two or three times a day Tommy looks at me and kind of giggles and says, "You have a pregnant belly." That I do. Here is a picture of me at 19 weeks and 5 days.

another green room

2008-12-30T16:53:00.004-06:00

I like to be in control of things. It makes me nervous to have other people do things for me, especially when it comes to Tommy doing them. So, when I came home today and found him in the baby's room with a paint brush in his hand you can imagine my reaction. What are you doing? Do you know what you are doing? I thought you were going to wait until my mom could help you?

His prompt response (in a deep, manly, and kind of silly voice) was: "I'm a man. I can do things on my own. Let me paint my daughter's room."

Something about hearing him say "my daughter" made my heart melt and I forgot all about the lack of control I have over the situation. This whole pregnancy thing has forced me to be a little more chilled out about things. I guess that is just a lesson I needed to learn sooner or later...

dumpling has a name

2008-12-23T22:55:00.002-06:00

This will be a short post, but I wanted to update the blog world on what we found out today. We can now call Lil Dumpling, Lucy!!! Yep, it's a girl. It's a girl. Wow. It still has not sunk in. It was a busy day of shopping and trying not not fall down on the icy parking lots. We are so excited. Tommy had a huge grin on his face all day. I totally cried during the ultrasound. She was a little stubborn and did not give us a good look at her face or her heart. She looked up for a second then put her head right back down. I turned to Tommy and said, "She's just like her momma, a bit stubborn." The tech tried bouncing my belly all around to get her to move her head, but she just having none of it. She had her arm behind her head and was just comfy where she was. We did get a real good shot of her girly bits or lack there of. The ultrasound technician all of a sudden said, "Oh, it's definitely a girl." That when I lost it. I'm having the little girl that I have always wanted. Someone to share my collection of Barbie Dolls with. Someone to make little bracelets and necklaces for. Oh, and the clothes and the shoes. Tommy mumbled something about boys coming over and good thing he has guns. Yeah, he's that kind of redneck guy. Anyway, we are just thrilled. Dr. K said that everything that they could see looked good. She wants me to have another ultrasound at our next appointment on January 21st. They want to have a better look at her heart and the face. Hopefully she will be a little more cooperative at that appointment. I do not regret one bit finding out. It put a smile on my face and made the holiday blahs go away a little.

Merry Christmas to all!!!

holiday blahs

2008-12-21T22:06:00.002-06:00

I have not been myself lately. My sinus infection finally went away after almost two weeks and I was thankful for that. For a few days I felt a little better. Now I just feel, blah. Physically I'm tired and I don't want to do anything. I'm still a little congested and my emotions are all over the place. I just feel like hiding away and not talking to anyone. Tommy is still working midnights and when he is home he is pretty much sleeping. Normally he is able to be his silly self and make me feel better. He is not so much able to do that when he is not here.

Tuesday we have our anatomy ultrasound and next OB appointment. Hopefully that will be enough to get me out of this funk. Tommy and I were talking tonight before he left for work about the appointment. He said that he is so excited to find out the sex of the baby. I would have to agree. I'm very anxious to get another peek at what is going on inside of my tummy. What a wonderful Christmas present to find out if Dumpling is a boy or a girl. I honestly have not had a feeling one way or another. Well, actually this last week I have been thinking girl. Either way, we will be happy. I'm just praying for a healthy baby. Tuesday we also get to pick up our crib. Hopefully in the next few weeks the baby's room will be painted so we can get things in place instead of the middle of the room.

Tommy asked me tonight if I wanted him to go off midnights. I told him to just do whatever he needed to. Hopefully after the first of the year work will pick up for him and he will be able to go back to his regular shift. Until then I will do my best to plug away and stay on top of things the best I can.

16 weeks, almost

2008-12-07T20:10:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow I will be 16 weeks into my pregnancy. I feel like I have gotten over a huge hurdle and I am so thankful for that. We had our second appointment with Dr. K the day before Thanksgiving. It went really well. She found Lil Dumpling's heartbeat right away with the doppler. It was a very welcome sound to our ears. We just looked at one another and smiled. According to their scales I had gained a pound since the last appointment. She said that I must be doing something right. I laughed and told her that it's because I'm not eating very much. She answered a few questions for me and she said that she would see us again in 4 weeks. At that appointment we will have our anatomy ultrasound. That means we will get to find out if Lil Dumpling is a boy or girl. We are 99% sure we are going to find out. I am so anxious to get a look at our little miracle again.

As for what our Dumpling will be called once we know the sex, we have made a decision on that. If Dumpling is a girl she will be Lucy Ella. I knew I wanted to name my daughter Lucy even before I was pregnant last time. The middle name Ella comes somewhat from my dad's mom. Her name was Luella. If Dumpling is a boy he will be named Jay Thomas. Jay is my dad's name and Thomas is actually Tommy's middle name. So, there you have it. I have been holding them in, but we are both pretty set on them so I thought it was time to share with everyone else.

I have been fighting a cold/sinus infection pretty much since Thanksgiving. On Friday I finally called my OB to see what they suggested I do. They gave me a prescription and I'm really hoping it starts to work soon. I'm at the point where I really don't have much of a voice. At least I can partially breathe through my nose now. Oh, the wonders of the pregnant body. So much fun! Tonight I finally got our tree up and the lights on it. Maybe tomorrow night I will have the energy to put on the ornaments.

Well, I guess I should wrap up this all over the place post and get Tommy up for work. Yeah, another week of midnights.

13 weeks- embracing the belly

2008-11-17T18:53:00.004-06:00

Since I have a bit of a baby belly I thought I would post a picture. I'm still negative on the weight gain and I still don't have much of an appetite to speak of. Tonight was the first time in a long time that I have actually been hungry and ate a nice big supper. I'm still not complaining about feeling sick though. I'll suffer through it if it means that everything is okay with Lil Dumpling. We are very anxious to get through our next Dr's appointment. I think I will be a little less edgy after that.

12 weeks 1 day

2008-11-11T19:33:00.004-06:00

I'm almost at the end of the first trimester. Hopefully that means I will be feeling better soon. I have been sleeping a little better. I accredit that mostly to the Snoogle. My awesome mom got one for me a few weeks ago. It took me no time at all to fall asleep that first night. All night I don't think I moved a muscle. Barbie is not so sure about the new addition to our sleeping arrangements. She can't get as close to me as she normally does. For that same reason Tommy is not so fond of the pillow either. For me though it is totally worth it.

Another comfort item that I have added to my daily routine is maternity pants. Ah, yes the large expanding waistband. Love it! Although to date I have still only lost weight my body is slowly changing and I even have a little bit of a baby belly (as one of my co-workers so kindly pointed out a few weeks ago.) Tommy and I hit a major sale one day and I bought some work pants. I had them altered and viola my work wardrobe is comfortable again.

Tommy has been so supportive these past few weeks when I've been feeling not up to par. He has been cooking a lot of our meals. This week he is back on afternoons so I guess that means I'm back to fending for myself. That wouldn't be so bad if I actually had an appetite. When it is time to eat I stand in the kitchen and almost cry (actually did cry one night) because nothing at all sounds good or even looks appetizing. Sure there are those times when I get so hungry that I need food NOW. Most of the time, especially in the morning, I have to force myself to eat. I guess this is just all part of the miracle of creating life. I just want to be as healthy as possible for my baby.

As I end this trimester I have been thinking a lot about my last pregnancy. At this point last time I had no idea anything was wrong. No idea that the child I carried in my womb was no longer alive. For that reason I have not been able to rest easy with any little cramp or pain I feel. The other night as I tried to fall asleep I was having some pain in my right side. I cried and told Tommy that I can't go through "that" again. All I can do for now is rest in the fact that God is in control and wait for my next appointment for some reassurance. I still think of the child we lost on a daily basis. I'm guessing that will continue for some time. The pain is easier, but still there and still VERY real...

may 25th(ish) 2009

2008-10-28T20:54:00.004-05:00

I think I'm in trouble. Little dumpling is shaping up to be like it's dad: can't sit still. I finally had my first OB appointment today at 10 weeks. I was super nervous on the way to Springfield this morning. My stomach was more upset than normal. Once I got in the office I was better though. I just knew that everything was alright. A peace just came over me. They got me in right away and before I knew it I was sitting there with my gown on waiting for Dr. K. She is such a gentle woman. She did my exam and tried to find dumpling's heartbeat with the Doppler, but couldn't. The nerves came back a little, but not as much as I thought they would. I had prepared myself for that. She said that since baby is still so tiny and I have a tilted uterus, or whatever it is called, that the heartbeat can be difficult to hear. She had her ultrasound tech do a "quick" ultrasound so that we would all feel better. I practically hugged her when she said they would do that.

The tech found the baby right way and before long there was the little flicker that I have now have no problems finding on my own. The kid was moving around like crazy. It was so incredible. If only I had a video to share with you all. This tiny little being inside me that is only around a half inch was dancing around. The little arms are only about the size of a "1" but there it was moving around to let mom and dad know that things are okay. I had tears streaming down my face. I didn't expect to see movement like that. I'm so thankful I did and that Tommy was there to witness it as well. We decided that it was worth it for him to take the day off.

She gave me a due date of May 25th. Now if I can just make it through the rest of this first trimester I will feel more at ease.

burnt plastic

2008-10-20T20:26:00.002-05:00

Today after work I decided to be ambitious and make some homemade chicken soup. I figured it would be something that would not make me sick. I got the pot on the stove and started to wash up some dishes. A few seconds later I smelled something hot. I turned around to see smoke rolling out from under my coffee pot that was on the back burner of the stove. Why a coffee pot on the stove you ask? Well, I have a tiny kitchen and since we have been giving said kitchen a bit of a face lift I have things stored on every inch of space I can find. So, in my haste to get the soup going I turned on the WRONG burner. Yep, I melted the bottom of my coffee pot to my ceramic cook-top stove. The smell was horrendous. I opened the windows and aired the house out. The smell is still lingering as I type this post. I'm not sure how I managed to turn the wrong burner on. I guess I can blame it on the pregnancy right? I'm just glad that I'm not a daily coffee drinker. Of course I did just buy some decaf. I guess I can add a coffee pot to my wish list.

Today was supposed to be my first Dr.'s appointment. Well, around 8:30 I got a call that my Dr. is sick and she had to cancel her appointments for the day. Now I have to wait until the 28Th. I guess I was just really hoping to get the reassurance that everything is okay.

Last week I was on vacation and I didn't do much of anything. I'm not sleeping very well at night so during the day I rest when I can. It was nice to be home and not really having anything looming over my head to do. I did manage to work on some jewelry pieces done. Also my mom and I worked on sanding and painting the cabinets. On Friday I decided that I needed to go hang out with Kimberly. She is officially on maternity leave and just waiting for her little one to come into this big world. It was really nice to just spend some time with her and Josh. That was pretty much the highlight of my vacation. Now it is back to work and a daily routine. So I guess that means I need to think about trying to go to bed sometime soon.

a few of the things on my mind

2008-10-13T22:02:00.004-05:00

I still can't believe that I'm pregnant.

This lack of appetite is really getting to me. Nothing sounds good. Food tastes different. I basically have to force myself to eat.

Sleeping has not been easy either. I'm tired all day, but I can't sleep at night.

I wish Tommy wasn't on afternoons this week.

I'm so thankful for my mom. She really helped to motivate me today and get some things accomplished around the house.

I get excited each time the phone rings thinking that it might be Kimberly letting me know that she's in labor. So excited to meet Baby Knight!

I still have 6 more days off until I have to go back to work.

When I go back to work on Monday I only have to work 1/2 day then I get to go see my Dr. for my first prenatal visit.

I'm very anxious about that visit.

I really need a haircut. Good thing I have an appointment this week.

I've been missing my high school friends and I wonder what they are up to.

Maybe I should "try" to go to bed now.

the most beautiful sound in the world

2008-10-07T19:15:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I heard the most beautiful sound in the world, my baby's heartbeat. Let me back up a little. On September 17th I had a feeling and I took a test. To my absolute shock I passed. The reason I was so surprised is that Tommy and I had decided to not try last month. No more taking my temperature, no more ovulation predictor sticks, no more um... scheduling of things. Wow, can't believe I just wrote that but lets face it you all know what I'm talking about anyway. Well, like everyone has said, when you least expect it things will happen. I guess they were right.

I was cooking dinner that night and I asked Tommy to run to the local pharmacy to get me a box of tests. Now, I have been used to a certain test and even had a coupon for said brand but he came back with a generic version. I asked why. He said that he only had so much cash on him and did not have his debit card. He informed me that they took the coupon and he still had to borrow a dime from the cashier. I just laughed at what must have been going through the cashier's mind. "Poor guy got some girl in trouble and he can't even afford to buy a box of pregnancy test." I asked if he told her that we have bought countless boxes and have been at this for about a year and a half now? He didn't. Oh well. If I knew who she was I would be glad to pay her back for making my day. Well, I took the test right away. I laid it on the counter and I was pretty sure it would come up negative. I had no idea where I was in my cycle so I could be testing really early. Well much to my surprise two lines appeared right away. My mouth dropped to the sink in disbelief. I yelled for Tommy. He came in. I was speechless. "Look at this," I said. A big grin came across his face. He stood there for a few moments then said he had to leave the room because he was going to cry. I think I stood there for a few more minutes just sure that the lines would disappear. They didn't, matter of fact they are still there. The test I took the next morning and the next are still there as well. I did end up buying another box of tests because I was just sure that the generic brand was wrong. I'm so glad it wasn't.

On Friday morning I called my Dr. They wanted me to get some blood work done. Next thing I knew I was at my family Dr. getting blood drawn. They did not get back to me until the following Monday. That was the weekend we put a new roof on the house. I told Tommy that I had to tell my mom. I could not be around her all weekend and NOT say anything. I told her and my sister in law, Mindi. I had already called Kimberly as well (pretty much as soon as I saw the lines). All weekend I was so nervous. Monday came and they said that my levels were good and could I come up next week for an ultrasound? The next week drug by. I wished the weekend away. Any little pain or twinge freaked me out.

On Monday Tommy and I both took the day off. The entire way to Springfield I felt sick. They got us in right away and next thing I knew there was our little dumpling (Tommy's nickname for baby) on the screen. So tiny but there. The technician thought she saw a flicker of a heartbeat but with baby being so small she could not be sure. I told myself that was to be expected and didn't mean anything. The technician consulted my Dr. and informed me that everything looked good and they would like to see me again in a week for another ultrasound. Another week of development should bring about a stronger more noticeable heartbeat. So I waited through another week and wished away another weekend.

Fast forward to yesterday. Again I took the day off. This time my mom took the day off with me instead of Tommy. I hated to not have him there, but we kind of need money to pay for the Dr. bills so off to work he went. The technician called me back right away. It didn't take long at all for the little dumpling to show up. Right away I recognized the flicker of the heartbeat. She poked around and measured and finally switched the machine so my mom and I could hear the heartbeat. I totally teared up. It was such a welcome sound to my ears. She measured a few more things and she was done. She consulted my Dr. and another nurse came out and gave me an appointment card for my first prenatal visit on the 20th. I don't have an "official" due date yet. For now I'm just saying end of May around the 28th. Yesterday the baby measured at 6 weeks 5 days.

All of this has brought on a whirlwind of emotions. That is for another post though.

So there you have it. That pretty much wraps up the past few weeks for me. I guess I should add that I have not felt the best. Yes, there is the "morning" sickness but also I have been fighting a cold for a week now. Minor little bump in the road.

I'll end this really long post with a picture of our little dumpling. Doesn't look like much yet, but it's there and so is the heartbeat and that's all that matters to me at this point!

that time of year

2008-10-02T20:32:00.003-05:00

It's that time of year again. It is cold outside and nice and cozy inside. Barbie curls up next to me to stay warm. When we go to bed at night she noses under the covers and makes her way to the bottom of the bed and sleeps there for most of the night. In the morning she stays curled up on the bed while I get ready. So many mornings I just want to stay in bed curled up right next to her. Barbie has been such a comfort to me in the past few months. She is my little buddy. I'm thankful for her companionship.

shingles and such

2008-09-26T17:16:00.003-05:00

Wow, it has been a long time since I last posted. Things have been a little more busy around here than normal. At the end of the day I have not had the energy to put into blogging.

Tommy and I went to Springfield, MO a few weekends ago. I wanted to be out of town for my "due date". We had a really good time just being together. While we were there we did some shopping and ate some good food. Tommy got to experience the Bass Pro Shops store for the first time. We manage to go there twice. It was so nice to be out of town and have my mind on things other than the fact that we were not getting to meet our little one face to face. When we got home that Sunday I told Tommy that I wasn't as emotional as I thought I would be. He just smiled and said I guess the trip worked then didn't it. Yes it did.

Last weekend my dad, our neighbor, Tommy, Jimmy and my brothers put a new roof on our house. That was a project that was long overdue. From day one of moving in here my dad, and our neighbor, said that the house needed a new roof. I was so nervous all weekend worried about rain. They worked all weekend long on it and the results are wonderful. Yesterday the truck full of shingles got taken to the dump. There are still a ton of small pieces in the driveway to be picked up. We'll get to them eventually. Our house looks so much better. I really didn't like the color of the old roof. I never even paid attention shingles before now. As I drive around now I find myself checking out the condition of other roofs in town. Yes, I lead an exciting life.

I must say that emotionally I'm doing much better than I have been in the last few months. I think that the chaos of everyday life has helped with that. For now we are just doing our best to stay positive. I think that Tommy and I have grown so much closer as a couple through the experience of losing a baby. I'm glad to have him by my side. I can't imagine having anyone else there...

28 short years ago

2008-09-04T16:13:00.004-05:00

I showed this picture to Tommy this morning and he asked who took it. I told him I didn't know, but asked if he knew who it was. He studied it for a moment and said, "Well, I guess your mom but it really looks like you." I've been told that many times.

Twenty eight years ago at 6:45 p.m. I came into this world. I was even born on a Thursday. My mom looks so happy here finally able to hold her first born. Wow. What a feeling I'm sure. I look like I'm taking it all in with my little hand under my chin.

Today I have thought a lot about being a mom and the privilege it really is. I know how much I have grieved over the loss of our baby and how badly we want to be parents. It makes me appreciate my parents even more. Without their love and willingness to bring me into this world I would not be the person I am today. I am a better person because of them. My mom is always there for me. She was there for me last year on my birthday when my Dr. decided that he needed to do a lumbar puncture on me right then. She was also there for me on the darkest day, the day I found out there was no longer a heartbeat inside of me. My dad is always there as well, he is just much more quiet about his ways. If something goes wrong around the house I often don't turn to Tommy I want to know what dad thinks. I think this sometimes annoys Tommy. It's difficult to stop that habit though because my father is one of those guys who can fix everything. I'm lucky to have parents that have stayed together through it all and raised my brothers and I in a loving home. Thank you mom and dad for everything...

On another note, I now have the honor of sharing my birthday with my new niece. Tommy's sister had her this morning by C-section. He talked with her it sounds like everyone is doing great. I have even see a picture of her thanks to the technology of picture messaging! She is tiny any beautiful. We will be able to meet her in a few weeks. While I'm excited for their family, I also cried for about 15 minutes after he hung up the phone because I was sad. I have a feeling those "crying" moments are going to come and go as the next week gets here. I will push through and come out on top.

feather pillows

2008-09-02T22:37:00.003-05:00

I finally made reservations for our "getaway" next weekend. I found a hotel that I was happy with and was going to book online. As I read through the website I noticed they were proud to offer down pillows. The only downfall of the place so far. I decided to call the hotel directly to book. Ashleigh was very nice and didn't laugh at me when I told her I need a pillow that was feather free. She said, "You mean like foam?" Yes, that would be great. Anything but feathers. I always take my own pillow, but just being around the other feather pillows is usually enough to set my allergies off and make me miserable. I do not want a repeat of our trip to Vegas last year. I had a really hard time enjoying myself all drugged up on allergy meds. Now that we have a place to sleep I can finally look forward to our weekend away! It is going to be a weekend for us to spend some much needed quality time together. We plan to visit the "original" Bass Pro store, eat, sleep, swim, shop and sleep some more. I think it will be good for us to spend some time away from home to regroup.

Next Friday is/was my due date. So hard to believe that I would be so close to holding my little one. I look back on the past several months and I really feel like the time has went by quickly. I'm doing better day by day. Everyone said I would. Most days I didn't believe them. I do not know what the future holds for us and I am trying hard to come to terms with that. We have started to talk about "what if" we are not going to have a baby. Now, I realize how this sounds, but it is a feeling that I have had most of my life. When I was younger I did not know if I ever wanted children. It was not until I met and fell in love with Tommy that I was 100% sure that I wanted children. Now the desire to be a mother often consumes my daily thoughts. Funny how life works? Like I have said before, I do not know what God has planned for us. I continue to have faith and know that His plans are perfect and in His time it will all work out, one way or another.

I want to take an opportunity to thank everyone who has been there for me throughout these past months. Your kind words both written and spoken have carried me through the dark days. No words can express the love I have felt from everyone. Some I have never even met face to face. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

frozen in time

2008-08-24T18:57:00.006-05:00

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are completely frozen in time and can't move no matter how much you want to? You know you should be doing something, anything to help but you just have not idea what that might be? I had one of those moments yesterday. Let me back up a little bit.

My parents (my dad really) have been looking for an older Jeep to buy and fix up. They found one that fit the bill last week and my dad brought it home yesterday. Tommy and I decided that we would go check it out. My dad wanted me to take some pictures before he started any work and I was happy to oblige. I was really excited when we got there and saw that the Jeep was white. I have always wanted a Jeep especially a white one. Perhaps it is because of the movie Clueless. Anyway, I took a few pictures then we ate some dinner. Afterwards, Tommy and my dad went out to look under the hood to see if they could get it started. My mom and I walked around the yard looking at her flowers and once again looking for interesting insects for me to take pictures of. We didn't find anything. We headed back to the front of the house to see what the guys were up to. As we got to the driveway we heard the sound of the Jeep starting. We looked at each other in surprise. Wow, that didn't take long, I thought to myself.

Then it happened. It all happened so fast. I saw flames shoot out from underneath the hood and the next thing I knew my dad was on fire. ON FIRE. Oh, my gosh, my dad is on FIRE. His head was flaming as was his torso. I stood there on the sidewalk watching in horror not having a clue what to do. I had the D40 around my neck and part of me wanted to snap a picture, but I thought that was disturbing to take a picture of my dad burning. All I could think was that the Jeep was going to blow up with my husband still in it. You see Tommy was sitting in the driver's seat turning the key while my dad was under the hood putting gas in the carburetor. Tommy said he had no idea what was going on. He just heard my dad yell and knew something wasn't right. I hear my mom yell, "Roll on ground, Jay. Roll on the ground!!!!" I snapped back to reality and remembered, Stop. Drop. And Roll. My dad ran across the driveway and rolled on the ground. I remained right where I was motionless and about ready to throw up in my mom's flower bed. Tommy jumped out of the Jeep and my mom ran to get the hose to put out the flames under the hood. My dad, no longer flaming, yelled "You don't use water." He ran into the garage and got a tarp or something. The flames were out. Except for the ones that were now in the driveway. Tommy went over to stomp them out then his shoes caught fire. He said it wasn't but that's all I saw from the spot I was stuck to. On the sidewalk.

My dad went inside and my mom followed. I stood there for what seemed like forever then I just started to shake. What the heck had just happened? My dad's head was on fire. What? It was like something from a movie. I made sure Tommy was okay. My mom came back out and I asked how he was. She said that he was in the shower. "What should we do?", she asked. I just stood there and said I have no idea. I have seen that safety video at work so many times, yet I could not remember any of it. You never think you might actually have to use that information, right? We agreed that he needed to go to the ER. We went inside to see how he was. He said that he was fine and didn't need to go anywhere. He got some clean clothes and then came back out to the kitchen. I could see singed hair on the back of his head and his cheek was already peeling. He took a drink and I noticed his hand trembling. He looked at me and asked if I got pictures. I just kind of chuckled and told him that I didn't because I really didn't know what to do at the time. He laughed and sat down at the table. He started to put on his shoes. I knew he realized he needed to go to the ER.

He told us what had happened. When the engine started it backfired and the gas he was pouring in caught fire. It startled him so he jumped back and the gas in the cup he was holding spilled. This caused a chain reaction of fire. He chuckled and said that is why you don't use a whole gas can. As he smiled I could tell his cheek was already causing him pain as the skin pulled. He finished putting on his shoes and he and my mom left for the ER. They came back a little while later. The ER doctor had told him that he was very lucky and it looked to be just a superficial burn. They want him to follow up with his doctor on Monday. They gave him a salve to put on his face, ears and hands. Remarkably his shirt showed no signs of burn marks. It smelled horribly of gasoline, but no marks. Luckily he was able to put the fire out so quickly before caused any more damage to his skin.

Looking back, part of me wished I had taken a picture. I realize that sounds sick, but if you could see what I saw you would know that Someone had their hands on my father yesterday. Wow. Thank you God. I did get one picture as the flame flickered out under the hood. If you look closely to the bottom right of the photo you can see the flames in the driveway as well and you can see the reflection on my mom's car. Crazy. So, this is my moment where time froze and I had no idea what to do, what's yours?

My dad is doing okay today. My mom reports that his face looks dirty from burnt skin and his right ear has a blister on it the size of a grape. He has been sitting inside most of the day, but doesn't seem to be in much pain. As for the Jeep, it is resting inside the garage waiting for another day to be worked on...

a long overdue post

2008-08-13T19:06:00.003-05:00

As I sit here on my front porch listening to the sound of the John Deere cut the grass for the second time this week, I can't help but smile. Tommy is so excited about his new lawn mower. I'll admit that I am as well. Our yard is starting to shape up. Now he will have more time to pull weeds and the other things that I have let go undone this summer. I can't even remember the last time I pulled weeds. My poor flower garden. The vegetable garden does not look much better. I guess it has been a combination of things that have distracted me from my normal garden routine. Lately it has been travel and beads that have kept me away.

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to have a "Lil' Moxey Jewelry" open house at a friend's. I took all of my beads over there and the "customers" picked out what they liked and told me what they wanted made. I came away feeling very overwhelmed and excited about the 30+ pieces I had to make. To date I only have a few said items completed. Tonight I finished one of the most time consuming necklaces I have ever done. I am really pleased with the way it turned out. Now I want to finish all my other orders so I can do more like that one just not as long.

This past weekend I had the chance to go see Kimberly and Sondra. We had a lots of laughs and did some damage to the bank accounts (at least I did). It was so nice to finally see Sondra in person. I don't really remember the first time I really had contact with her. I can remember her comments on Kimberly's blog and flickr. I always thought whoever that is seems really sweet. Well, I was right. She is just like I thought she would be, super awesome. When I woke up Saturday I was a little nervous. I felt like I was going on a blind date or something. I was a little worried that I would be like a third wheel or something (which is funny because Sondra blogged that she was worried that she would be a third wheel). Kimberly and Sondra had been planning to get together for a while and I just kind of somehow weaseled my way into their plans. Well, I'm so glad I was a little weasel. I foresee road trips in our future. There have even been talks of camping. Yeah. It was so good to just have some girl time. I was much overdue for that. Kimberly and Sondra have summed up our weekend so well so check out their blogs if you want to know more about it.

I came away from the trip feeling refreshed but also sad. I was sad to be leaving my good friends after only a day. I wish we lived closer. Good thing we have the Internet to keep us in close contact. I was also sad because I got to feel Baby Knight move. I chose to put my hand on Kimberly's belly. I wanted to. She is my bestest friend and I am beyond excited/happy for her and Josh. But it is so hard to not be sad at the same exact time. Ugh. Why can I not just be happy? Why do I have to constantly think about myself? Yeah, it's normal and blah, blah, blah but I don't like feeling this way.

When I got home from my trip north Tommy and I headed South in my dad's truck to go look for/buy a new lawn mower. It was long over due. We got the one he had been looking at on the Internet and headed back home. On the way I had a emotional meltdown. Lots of things on my mind. The emotions of the weekend had gotten to me and there are some other things that I will write more about later. I cried for about 10 minutes and finally calmed down. We take the country way for most of the trip. Tommy kept asking if I wanted to stop and take pictures of the wildflowers. (Insert shoulder shrugs and "I don't cares.") he finally pulled over and I was able to get a few shots. That cheered me up a little. Taking pictures definitely takes me to that happy place. I like to pretend that I work for National Geographic (dream of mine) or Discovery. Not that I am anywhere near talented enough or have nice enough equipment for that, but that is not the point is it? It is all about what makes us smile. And I like smiling.

So that is what I have been up to lately. Now I need some help from all of you out there. I would really like to plan a trip for Tommy and I. I have tossed around several ideas. They range from Southern IL-Rend Lake area (Karen any suggestions?), Nashville, Pensacola, FL or pretty much anywhere else within driving distance. I just feel like we need to get away for a little vacation and some time together. I welcome any and all ideas. Thanks.

scene from the Moxey house tonight

2008-08-07T21:47:00.002-05:00

Tommy: Are you sitting in your bead room on the computer?
Me: Yep!
Tommy: Great, I'll never see you again now that you have a laptop.
Me: Don't be so dramatic.
Tommy: You'll be in here making a necklace and chatting with Kimberly at the same time.
Me: You never know.
Tommy: It's called multi-tasking.

stormy weather make me think

2008-08-05T21:03:00.004-05:00

It's storming tonight. We have not seen a storm like this in a while. It seemed to come out of nowhere. Isn't just how life is? The wind was blowing like crazy and the lightening and thunder was constant. Tommy was glued to the weather channel. I used to enjoy storms but now not so much. I told Tommy they were more exciting when I didn't have to worry about my house and everything in it. Funny how life changes as we get older.

I have been coping fairly well lately. Last week I had a few nights of crying but overall things are looking up. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my little one. As my "due date" gets even closer I find it difficult to not feel sad. I honestly thought I would be pregnant again at this point. It is so hard to not dwell on the fact that I am not. I worry that maybe the baby I lost will be the only one I will ever be blessed with. I do not know what God holds for my future and I am trying to be patient. That is a lesson I really struggle with. I feel like I have let Tommy down. I know he will be such an amazing father and I want so bad to give him that opportunity. As each day passes we grow closer and I appreciate him more. I thank God for bringing us together and I feel so blessed to be his wife. He loves me more than I ever imagined being loved. I know that I have been difficult to live with/understand for the past five months and he has been right there the entire time.

I still get the pitter-patter feelings when I'm around him. He makes me laugh and that has been so crucial to me getting through each day. I also appreciate him working so hard in this brutal heat. When his co-workers go home early because of the heat, he stays. I tell him over and over he does not have to do that, but he does. Hopefully the next few months will continue to improve. No matter what I know I have my best friend by my side.

Here is a poem that says a lot of what I am feeling right now. I came across it on this website. I can not even begin to imagine what this family is dealing with right now...

Please Be Gentle

By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and screamed repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

he says silly things even when he is awake

2008-07-31T17:52:00.003-05:00

My cell phone rang (to the tune of Billy Joel's Piano Man) as I was leaving work today.

Me: Hello?
Tommy: Hey. How's my sugar plum that dances with fairies?
Me: You are crazy.
Tommy: I'm on my way home.
Me: Okay see you when you get here.
Tommy: Love you bye.
Me: Love you bye.

i'm the "big" sister

2008-07-22T22:37:00.008-05:00

Tonight I went to my parents for a visit. Tommy is working afternoons and I just didn't want to be alone. My mom and I took a walk down the road, as is tradition after supper in the Armbruster household. It was a nice evening. I had my camera with me so I took a few shots along the way. After our walk, I wandered around her yard taking random pictures. I love taking pictures of pretty much anything. I'm not very good at it, but it just makes me happy. I did get up close and personal with some Japanese beetles which was pretty cool.

Being out in the yard brought back so many good childhood memories. My brothers and I used to have so much fun out there. We had the tree house, the sandbox, our bikes, our imaginations and so much more. Oh to be young again. Now we are all grown up with adult responsibilities. My brothers and I do not talk much anymore. We see one another on a pretty regular basis, but we just don't seem to connect much. I just hope that they know how proud I am of both of them and how much I love them. I would do anything for them. Hopefully as we grow older and have children (or more kids in Luke's case) we will grow close once again. No, we may not play "kick the can" or "toaster" anymore but they are still my little brothers and they mean the world to me. Seriously.

Well, this post did not go where I thought it would at all. Apparently my mind is going a million different ways. Perhaps it is time for bed?

I found this picture of us at Disney World. It was the early 90's. Yes, I'm wearing spandex bike shorts. This was pretty much my absolute favorite outfit that summer. I am also latched onto what might have been my first camera. It was a purple Minnie Mouse 110. Look how little Tony is! If I remember right it was his birthday the day we were there.

unexpected visitors: some good, some bad

2008-07-21T16:41:00.008-05:00

This weekend I had an unexpected phone call from a friend I had not seen in a really long time. My friend Michelle called and said that she and her husband were going to be in town and would like to stop by. I met Michelle at Eastern when we were in grad school together. We had a lot of good times. It was nice to visit with her and Jestun. Unfortunately we didn't get to visit very long because Tommy and I had plans for the evening. Hopefully we can get together again soon.

It is always nice to reconnect in person. Emails and phone calls are nice, but seeing one another is so much better. I have not been very good about staying in contact with my friends near and far lately. I always think that I'm going to "be better about it" but that just does not happen. Honestly I think I have become somewhat of a hermit lately. Since I lost the baby I find myself just wanting to stay close to home. I guess I just want to feel sorry for myself and mope. I was pretty down this weekend (I had another unexpected/unwanted visitor on Saturday.) It was a good thing that I had plans for both Friday and Saturday nights. This prevented me from just sitting around the house crying. Apparently my body is still not ready. I guess I just have to be okay with that and be patient. Yeah, like I have much of that. I find myself in a much better mood after I get out and do something, anything. I suppose I just need to get my butt out of the house more. I can't change the past and dwelling on it is not doing me any good. I'm really looking forward to seeing Kimberly and Sondra in a few weekends! Hopefully that is enough to get me through the next few weeks.

sleepy silliness

2008-07-10T21:51:00.003-05:00

Tommy is a sleep talker. Tonight I woke him up and had him go to bed. I went in and kissed him goodnight. Here is the conversation we had.

T: That was awesome.
J: What?
T: Our kiss.
J: Okay.
T: There should be a button for that that says, "Awesomeness".
J: A button for what?
T: Our kiss.
J: You mean like a button you wear.
T: Yeah.
J: What would you do with this button?
T: Wear it when you cook.
J: (laughing so hard at this point that I'm crying) Okay.

I started to walk out of the room and he calls me back.

T: Where are you going?
J: You are talking silly so I'm going to watch TV.
T: Well, scratch my back first.
J: Okay.

I scratched a few times and he fell back asleep. I love it that even in his sleep he makes me laugh.

I'll lend you my ear

2008-07-08T21:20:00.006-05:00

Taken today at my grandma's.
There are days where I wake up and want nothing more than to shut off the alarm and stay in bed. Lately there have been more of those days. Today was one. My late night shopping trip wore me out. I remember those days at EIU when I was able to stay up until the wee hours finishing that paper or studying for that test I had put off until the last possible minute. I have fond memories of playing Tetris in lieu of studying. If I remember right, Kimberly may even have the evidence capture on VHS. I digress. I made it to work on time, somehow. Slowly I started my day deciding which chart to attack first. Oh the paperwork. Why must the state have so much paperwork? Why must we kill so many trees on a daily basis?

My morning was not all that bad. I left for lunch early so that I could get out and do an unexpected home visit. I was going to do it after my 2 already scheduled visits but decided to squeeze it in early. When I called to let them know I was coming early the son said, "Oh, bless you. I know you are busy. I really appreciate it." Ha. Just doing my job, sir. After that I went to see a client of mine that has been on our service since '96. Her home is aging with her and slowly falling apart. There are creatures large and small in there. I tried my best to not pay attention to the little dog licking my toes, but it was difficult to concentrate. She told me about her problems and I listened. We talked about her current service and add some things to help her out. As I was trying to leave she thanked me for everything we do for her and that she "doesn't know what she would do without the help." She gave me a hug (believe it or not she is shorter than me) and I told her she was welcome. My last client is what one would call a talker. I sat and listened to her stories and everything that has happened to her family lately: sickness, death, financial issues.

As I sat there I could not help but think that I am blessed. I have a job that allows me to go into homes of those who are in need. They have so many needs that I can not meet, but there is one thing I can do and that is to listen. How many people get to do that and get paid? Sure I ask them tons of questions and make them sign even more pieces of papers. Most of all though I listen and try my best to show them that I care about what it is they are going through and if there is any way at all I can help them out I will. My last client ran over a little and I didn't get back to work until after it was "quitting" time. Oh, well. If I made one person feel a little better today by letting some things out then I feel like I did my job. The paperwork can wait.

So, the moral of the story? When the alarm goes off and I don't want to get out of bed I'm going to try to remember days like today when I feel like I just might have mattered a little to someone out there. I know that I chose the right field. When I graduated high school 10 years ago I had no idea what Gerontology was. I never would imagine that I would some day earn my Masters degree in the field. God's hand was completely in this one.

I'll end my post with a picture of me showing off my rather large zucchini plants. Can you tell I'm proud of them?

warm weather and nothingness

2008-07-02T19:15:00.005-05:00

I ran across this picture of a much younger me sporting my strawberry 'kini. Ah, those were the days...

It's been too long since my last blog. I wish I could say that I have been off on some amazing vacation but that would be a lie. My life has not been much different lately. I go to work, come home, eat supper and go to sleep. That's pretty much it. Emotionally I have been better. I think about my little one every day and ache because of him/her. At least it is not consuming my every thought anymore.

Tommy and I are "trying" again. I was just so sure that we would get it on the first try but that didn't happen. I ended up going through an entire box of pregnancy tests a few weeks ago. I tested very early because I could not stand it. Tommy kept telling me to wait until day 18 post ovulation to see if my temperature was still high but I couldn't do that, impatient much?. It was disappointing to keep seeing only one line. I was just so sure that it would happen. Alas, here I sit anxiously waiting to start the whole pregnancy thing over again. I don't look forward to the morning sickness but it is all so worth it.

My garden is doing well. The unexpected pumpkin vine is ginormous. Seriously. I have never grown one before so I have no idea what to expect. Tommy has been busy fixing up our boat. It is the boat that my parents got when I was little. I have so many fond memeories of family outings on that boat. My grandpa used it for several years and then it has been resting at my brothers. Tommy got it a few weeks ago and has been working on getting it water ready at a friend's house. I'm somewhat excited to see the finished product. It will be fun for us to have a little boat to go out on and go fishing. Summer is finally here and that makes me happy. I'm looking forward to the 4th of July weekend and a day off. We don't have any plans as of right now other than a little block party with some of my neighbors tomorrow night. I hope that everyone has a safe and fun-filled 4th!

how did I miss that?!

2008-06-18T20:02:00.003-05:00

Last night Tommy and I were outside watering the gardens and pulling weeds. While we were out there I noticed something I had not see before, a pumpkin vine. It had worked its way around the bucket and out from under the tarp. It is growing in an "unused" part of our veggie garden. It is probably about 5 feet long. That's taller than me! Last fall I threw our pumpkins out there when they started to rot and I'm glad I did. I have tried to plant pumpkins every year, but with no luck. I'm hoping that since this one has such a good start it will continue to do well. It was a really nice surprise for me! The rest of the vegetables are doing well. By the middle of next week we should be eating fresh zucchini and possibly some cucumbers. It is so nice to be able to go out in your back yard and pick what you are going to eat for supper. I can't wait!

some days are better than others

2008-06-14T11:46:00.003-05:00

It is a perfect day outside. My neighbors are out working in their yards, playing with the kids, washing their cars and all I want to do is sit inside and cry. I thought I was doing better. I had not been really done in a few weeks. The past couple of days though have been difficult. I just want to sit and cry. My house looks like a tornado went through it. Laundry is piled up and I don't even care. Why, after 3 months does it still hurt so much? I find myself avoiding anything to do with babies. Tomorrow, we are supposed to go up to my cousin's house to celebrate Father's Day with my family. One of my cousin's is pregnant and due in August. I do not want to go. Not the way I have been feeling. I've never been one to avoid people and situation. I love my family and enjoy spending time with them. It is so difficult though to be around someone and not feel the emptiness inside. The jealously. I don't think my family really understands.

Evidently this is one of those down times that is bound to happen in the grief process. It sucks though. It sucks to not feel like yourself. People tell me I'm strong. I doesn't seem like that though. Why am I blogging all of this? Because I can. Because I want the encouragement and prayers from those who read. I need that right now. When I sit down at the keyboard I never know what is going to come out. Blogging=therapy for me.

Tommy has been on the afternoon shift for the past 2 weeks. That means I'm home alone in the evenings. I try to stay busy with my gardens and making jewelry. Today I was looking forward to him being home. I woke up a little before 9 and he wasn't in bed. I went out to the living room and found an empty couch. When I looked outside his truck was gone. My first thought was that he went to get me an iced coffee from McDonald's (I'm hooked on them right now and the nearest Starbucks is about an hour away). Twenty minutes later I figured he must have decided to go to work. Maybe he kissed me by and told me where he was going, but I don't remember it at all. That makes me sad. I feel like we never get to spend time together. I just want to get out of the house and do something fun, with him. Just us. Not worrying about the laundry, the bills, the high gas prices or our child that we never got to meet. He called a little while ago from work. He said that he could come home now if I wanted him too. I told him to do whatever he wanted. I'm pretty sure he's on his way here right now. Hopefully we can find something fun to do outside to enjoy this gorgeous day that God has given us.

I know that in a few days I'll feel better. This slump will not last forever. For now though, I'm doing what I can to climb my way back out...

cheerios and ice-cream

2008-06-12T21:11:00.005-05:00

Tonight I left Barbie at my grandma's while my cousin and I ran some errands. When I got back to pick her up this is the conversation I had with my grandma:

G-ma: Barbie thinks her cholesterol is high.
Me: What?
G-ma: She thinks she has high cholesterol so she had to eat some Cheerios.
Me: Great. That's just what she needs.
G-ma: She really liked them. hohoho (that's how my grandma laughs, a little more high pitched than Santa though)

Of course what she did not tell me is that she also gave her some cheese. I guess that is better than the crackers and butter that she generally tries to feed her.

In other news did you know that they have lactose FREE ice-cream? I didn't. I was so excited when I saw it that you would have thought that it said "instantly lose 10 pounds" on the carton or "$100 bill in each serving". Seriously though, the thought of eating a bowl of ice-cream without taking a pill made me want to dance a little jig. Sometimes it really is the little things in life. Thanks Breyers!!

why argue?

2008-06-11T18:27:00.003-05:00

One reason why I love my job is that you never know what a senior is going to say. Today I was on a home visit with one of my client's. She welcomed me into her home and as I stepped through the threshold she said, "What did you do?" I panicked for a second thinking I stepped on her cat. She proceeded to say, "You look thinner. Have you lost weight?" I chuckled and told her that I think I've gained weight since I last saw her. She disagreed and I just smiled and thanked her. Maybe it was the tall shoes, the black shirt or the fact that the house was so dim that she could not really see all that well. Hey, a compliment is a compliment and I take 'em when I can get 'em.

clouds are lifting

2008-06-06T20:13:00.004-05:00

Well, apparently my optic nerve is no longer swollen. The blurred vision on the bottom and inner part of my eye are most likely a deficit that I will just have to deal with. The super neurologist was just that, super. She took her time with me and asked me a ton of questions. She sat down with Tommy and I and really got to know what was going on with me. The appointment lasted around 2 hours. When it was all said and done she sat down with us and said that she did not see anything to be worried about. She did not see any swelling at all. She said that the MRI looked fine and showed no lesions. There was not really anything that she could say as to why the swelling had occurred. According to the report from my lumbar puncture from September the initial pressure was a little higher than normal. Perhaps there was some increased pressure that caused the swelling and it took this long for it to go away? She also said that it appeared that my optic nerve was elevated. From what I understood that basically means that one side is a little higher than the other. Normally they are flat against your eyeball, but mine appears to be a bit higher on one side. I guess some people are just born that way. She is going to send the report to my Dr.s and she suggested that I see my eye specialist in 6 months for a check up. If I notice any new symptoms she said that I should call my Dr.

All in all it was a good day and I feel the trip was worth it. I was just relieved as soon as she said that she did not see any swelling. We talked about the loss of the baby and she did not seem to think that there was anything related. Where does this put us now? I don't really know. I do know that on my way to work today I felt totally different than I had in a long time. It sounds trite and cliche but everything looked different, like the clouds are starting to lift. My heart still aches each time I see someone with a new baby or a pregnant belly. I know that ache will not soon go away. My heart hurts for the baby that should be moving about in my belly right now. All I can do for now is hope that everything is in fact okay with me and that my body is slowly getting ready to do some cupcake baking.

Thank you to everyone for all the thoughts and prayers. We really felt them yesterday. I was calm for most of the day (despite the mishap where I programmed the wrong address into the navigation system and ended up at the wrong clinic). All in all it was a good day for Tommy and I to spend together. He has been working so much lately that we do not get to spend too much time together.

Here is to new beginnings and a new fresher outlook on life.

update

2008-06-05T21:42:00.002-05:00

Everything went well at my appointment. Nothing to worry about. I will post more tomorrow when I'm not so tired.

can't take much more

2008-06-04T15:27:00.002-05:00

Here it is the day before my big appointment with the "super" neurologist. When the appointment was scheduled it seemed like it was a long way off. I ended up taking a 1/2 day today. I could not concentrate. It really had nothing to do with the appointment tomorrow. It had everything to do with so many things going wrong that cost money, money that is there, but needs to be saved for a new ROOF. First it was Tommy's truck getting backed into at work. They didn't leave a note, nice. That still is not fixed. Waiting on insurance. Then it was the water heater. Now, it is my car. My lovely little car with all the fun little "extras" that I never thought I would have.

Last Friday I had to take my uncle to the Dr. It was really warm so I turned on the AC, at least I attempted to. Yeah, it didn't work. What the crap? I thought for sure I was missing something. Maybe I was just too blonde to figure out how to work the controls? Nope, it wasn't me. Great. I called the dealership and they got me in today. I got a call sometime this morning telling me that it was the evaporator or something like that and it would be around $850 to fix it and it was out of warranty. What? No, you are kidding. No, he was every bit serious. He proceeded to tell me called and talked with Chrysler and they will be paying for all of it but $250. Okay, but what about the fact that I JUST GOT THE CAR. Sure we checked it out before we signed on the dotted line, but it was the middle of February and it was stinking cold and of course the air seemed cold that was blowing out of the vents. "It could have just happened last week for all we know." That does not exactly make me feel any better about it. I asked to speak to someone. I got the owner of the dealership. Let's just say that he was rather condescending to me and I ended up with tears in my eyes because I was so frustrated/upset/stressed/(feeling like a dumb girl?). He basically said of course they check out the vehicles before they sell them blah, blah, I didn't buy a new vehicle, blah, blah, money doesn't grow on trees. He actually said that to me. Like I don't know that already. I realize that Mr. "I drive a big SUV because I own a dealership" but $250 to me is a lot of money right now. I have medical bills that are yet to be seen (don't know what tomorrow will bring) and I need a new roof! I told them that I needed the car for tomorrow and to just order the part and call me when it comes in. I walked over to get the car so I could go home (I work next door to the dealership) and I was glad I didn't have to talk to mean SUV guy.

On my way home I had to stop by the hospital and pick up the MRI films of my brain to take tomorrow. I thought they would be on a CD, instead I'm handed this huge envelope that is rather heavy. I hesitated expecting her to tell me that it was $50 for the copies or something. Nope first set free. After that it is only $5. That seems like a pretty good deal. Ha. It is a weird feeling carrying images of such a vital part of your insides. It was so good to pull in the driveway and see my cute hubby and puppy sitting outside waiting for me. I have spent the afternoon doing nothing. It has rained/stormed twice and now it is sunny. I hope I can sleep okay tonight. I'm more nervous about finding Carle Clinic than the appointment at this point. I hope that she can tell me something, anything tomorrow. My eye has really been bothering me lately.

makes my heart all gooey

2008-05-30T23:10:00.003-05:00

Tonight Tommy and I went to eat with my parents. Before we got our food, my brother and his family came to join us. At one point Clara was standing on the bench by me. She reached out and put her little arms around my neck. She patted me on the back and didn't let go. As she pulled away I'm pretty sure I heard "luzyou". Even if she didn't say it I know that she was trying to tell me that she loves me. Right back at ya kiddo. This is one proud auntie!

Side note. I had the pleasure of watching her for several hours on Monday. Tommy and I had a great time playing with her and taking her to see the neighbor's ducks. She went home quacking. ha. That night she was at my parents and just as they were leaving she fell and hit her head against the china hutch. I guess it looked pretty bad so they took her to the ER. They debated if they should stitch it but ended up just using the glue. I'm sure this will be the first of many bumps and bruises, but it still looks so sad to see a 1 year old with a gash on her forehead covered with tape. I guess that was a rather long side note...

pomp and circumstance

2008-05-23T17:39:00.004-05:00

(Amy, Casey, Amanda, Me)

Tonight is graduation night in my town. My mom and I are going to see my brother's girlfriend walk across the stage. It is hard to believe that it was 10 years ago that I was in the same position, getting ready to head out into the big scary "adult" world. Oh, how things have changed. I had a great group of friends in High School. We always had a great time and never really did much of anything. We just had fun being together. Only a few of my HS friends live near me now and I miss them dearly. Our lives have taken us across several states. I hope to see some of them this year at our reunion. There are a few others that were in the year ahead of me. I don't know when I will see them again. For tonight I'll try to hold back the tears as the HS band plays "pomp and circumstance". For some reason I always tear up when I hear it. Congratulations to all you grads out there, HS or otherwise!

baby bird

2008-05-15T19:44:00.003-05:00

A few days ago, Tommy and I discovered a baby robin in our yard. I was worried one of the neighborhood cats would get it, but so far so good. When the rain finally broke this evening I decided to try to get a few pictures of it. Right when I walked out the door I saw momma flying down to tend to her baby. When I got closer I realized the poor thing was all wet. I felt like I should try to dry him off. I suppose that his momma is taking care of him and he will be alright as soon as he can fly. I'm just glad that she is staying by his side, rain or shine. Isn't that how we all should be? No matter what the weather is like, we need to stay by the ones we love, caring for them. Funny how nature can give us subtle reminders.

2 years later

2008-05-12T17:25:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow, Tommy and I will celebrate 2 years as a married couple. To me it seems like we have been married longer than that. It is somewhat difficult to remember what life was like without him in it. I guess that is a good thing, right? I thought I would take this opportunity to tell "our" story.

My now sister-in-law, Mindi, is actually responsible for us meeting. She and a friend used to go country line dancing at a place called Wild Country about 45 minutes from us. One weekend they met the Moxey twins there. They soon became friends and looked forward to meeting up with them when they went there on the weekends. I can remember Mindi talking about the Moxey twins and wondering why she was spending so much time with guys that were not my brother, ha. I am not really sure how long they knew one another before I met them, but I'm guessing at least 2 years. Tommy even came up here a few times to visit them. In May of 2004 a group of us went to Wild Country to celebrate Mindi's 21st birthday. I didn't really know if I wanted to go or not since I did not know how to line dance and bars were not my thing at all. Good thing I did. I remember when we picked up Mindi on the way down she made some comment about how her friend Tommy was going to meet us there and he would probably "hit" on me. I just laughed. I asked how old he was and she said that he was the same age as them (meaning 3 years younger). We all met up at Applebee's to eat. Tommy was there and we ended up sitting at the table across from one another. He was unlike any guy I had ever dated or even been friends with. He was wearing cowboy boots, a cowboy hat and tight jeans. His eyes drew me in right away. I have always been an eye girl. Throughout supper I kept catching myself staring at him. I thought that this guy is going to think I'm some sort of freak!

After supper, we headed to Wild Country. We found a few seats by the dance floor and I camped out to watch them dance. It was actually fun to watch the variety of people that were there. Tommy was a really good dancer. I remember going to use the restroom and when I came out Mindi told me that Tommy was looking for me because he wanted to dance a slow song with me. I was so nervous. It was like Jr. High all over again. The cute boy likes me. I anxiously waited for the next song and finally it came on. For the life of me I can't remember what it was. At the time I kept thinking to myself I need to remember this song. I really didn't want the dance to be over. For me it was an instant attraction. I don't know if I would say "love at first sight" but it was something. Like I mentioned before he was so different than any guy before. He was just like my dad and brothers. He liked hunting, fishing, and all the other "redneck" country boy things.

We had a really good time that night. Tommy actually ended up coming back with us and we all stayed at my parents house. The next morning my mom questioned who the strange guy was. I explained that it was Mindi's friend that she had talked about before. It is kind of weird now looking back on that. She was all worried that we picked up some random person at the "bar". Ha. Now he fits in with my family sometimes better than I do!

The next few months I spent a lot of time driving down to see him. I was fresh out of Graduate school and looking for a job. That October I started the job I'm at now. The following April I bought our house and in June we were engaged. It really didn't take us long to figure out that we were meant for one another. Planning our wedding was so much fun. Tommy actually helped with a lot of the details. I made did all the decorations, the flowers and jewelry. I loved every minute of it. My mom says every now and then that it was so much fun that I ought to do it all over again. I told her maybe for our 20th we can have a vow renewal or something.

I'm thankful to have a husband who loves me and loves my family. It is a blessing that he gets along with my father so well. I have never been that close with my dad so it is good that my husband is. The rest of my family loves him just as much as I do. He and my mom gang up on me all the time. I never really believed the statement that girls end up marrying someone like their fathers, but in my case I guess that is somewhat the truth!

family time

2008-05-10T08:35:00.003-05:00

The busyness of life has taken me in this last week. It has been good for me to stay busy and not just sit and think. I have spent some time with my great Uncle and with friends. Work is crazy busy (hello huge stacks of charts on my desk) and I'm enjoying it for some strange reason. I was touched this week by 3 very different clients I went to see. That is really a whole other post that I do not have time for now.

Today my family is heading to the St. Louis Zoo to spend some time together for Mother's day. I'll be honest, this has been a difficult week/weekend for me to think about. I long to be a mom that can hold her child and celebrate the joy that it is to share that mother/child bond. I keep telling myself that I am a mom. I love the baby that I lost more than I can even put into words and that is why it hurts so much. Today I get to spend the day with my niece Clara. It is always bittersweet for me. I enjoy being with her but can't help to feel the tinge of jealously for the relationship that she shares with her mommy, sorry Mindi. I love you both and am so blessed to have you in my life. Enough of this sappy stuff, I need to get ready!!

the race

2008-04-30T18:05:00.005-05:00

I have been sitting in front of my computer now for at least 30 minutes thinking about what I want to say. The truth is that I don't know. I find comfort in blogging, I think I have written about that before. Sometimes I just need to get thoughts and feelings out. There is so much going through my head that I am just not able to sort out. I do not have a good grasp on life right now. The days come and go and I feel like life is happening around me, not to me. It is difficult to explain, but I'm sure everyone has been through this before. I'm still hurting. I feel like "society" thinks I should move on and feel better by now, but I can't. I had life inside of me and now it is gone. There was a heartbeat. Now it is gone. It is really difficult to understand why. Only HE knows why.

A few weeks ago a fellow blogger introduced me to a new blog to add to my growing list of reads. It has been a source of inspiration and comfort to me. I am humbled by Angie's way of worshiping God through a time of hurt. It is an incredible story and I encourage you to read her blog. Here is a video about their story that has also touched me. It is rather long, but if the blog speaks to you then I would recommend watching it as well.

I know that we all go through the grief process in different ways. It is frustrating to me that I hurt as much as I do. I want to feel better. I know that I need to give myself time and allow myself to hurt. That is all part of the process. (A special little lady told me that:) Someday the hurt will not be as sharp. Someday I will look back on this time as one of life's lessons. I just want someday to come soon.

Yesterday I had the privilege to play mom to four of my cousins for the evening. As I watched Kennah run the 800, (I think), I snapped a few pictures. I uploaded them tonight and it made me think about how life really is like a race. We are always looking forward to the next thing, graduations, marriage, jobs, families, etc. After I graduated High School, it was on to college. After grad school, it was racing to get a job. Next, came the house and marriage. Everything was God's timing and seemed to fall perfectly into place. The next natural lap in the race was starting a family. Then that stupid hurdle got in the way. I fell down, skinned my knee and got the wind knocked out of me. Now I guess I'm at that point in the race when I need to pick myself back up, wipe the dirt off, take a deep breath and get on with the race. That is the hardest part.

We do not always come in first. Kennah came in 3rd last night. That is something to be proud of. It gives us something to strive for when we are not first, something to work towards. I pray that I can be more faithful in my prayer life and my time with God. I find comfort in knowing that God is by my side during this race. He is sitting right there by me on the ground, waiting for me to wipe of the dirt. I know that even though I have been upset by all of this He loves me no matter what. I also gain comfort in knowing that my baby is in Heaven worshiping the great Healer. One of my Aunts sent me a card a few weeks ago. She wrote a few lines to let us know that we are in her thoughts. There is one line that I keep going back to: "Draw comfort in knowing that a precious soul will be waiting for you in heaven." Wow. It makes me cry every time.

I never got to hold my child, but that does not make him/her any less important to my life or to God. For now I will rest knowing that my child is safe and not in any pain. This crazy race does not stop just because we fall down. In those times it actually seems to speed up.

I guess it is time for me to stop typing nonsense and get back to living life. I think I need to think about making some supper, my tummy is growling! Thank you again and again to everyone out there for the thoughts and prayers. They make these down times much easier to get through.

afternoon on the farm

2008-04-28T20:21:00.003-05:00

Yesterday my great uncle Butch called me to see if I would visit him sometime soon to take pictures. Tommy was out turkey hunting (this is his first year and he got one today!) so I told him that we would come out once he got back in. We headed out after lunch. Butch walked around with us and pointed out the things he wanted me to capture. I snapped a few here and there that he didn't point out as well. He is hoping to use a picture or two for Christmas cards. It was interesting to learn about the variety of plants he has. He told me that he took a botany class at Greenville (he was a Business major) and really enjoyed it. He and his late wife always planted a large and very productive garden and beautiful roses. They won many ribbons at the local county fair. While we were walking around it was evident that he misses getting out and working with the plants. We really enjoyed our afternoon and I hope to go back soon. I hope that the pictures I took can bring a little bit of joy to him. It made me appreciate being young and able to do the things that bring joy to my life. Sometimes we need those little reminders.

Earth Day '08

2008-04-22T07:37:00.003-05:00

Earth Day has been around since the early 60's but I think it is getting more recognition this year than ever. Yesterday when I was shopping with my mom, I had at least 2 sales clerks mention something about it. I guess I somewhat sparked the conversation when I told them I didn't want a bag, but still. Everywhere you look people are promoting "green" products. Even a certain women's unmentionables store has products that have some catchy green slogan plaster across the backside of shirts and shorts. I am not the best at recycling or taking quick showers, but I do try my best. Happy Earth Day '08. I encourage everyone to do a little something today for this amazing planet that God has blessed us with.

nothing new

2008-04-21T20:06:00.003-05:00

My appointment went okay. My Dr. didn't really didn't have much to say. He was just glad that I still do not notice any MS symptoms. He was also happy to hear that I am going to see the Dr. in Campaign. Everyone keeps telling me, "She's really good." So, now it is the wait and see game. In the meantime my grandma and I made a deal to not worry about anything for the next 2 days.

semi-update

2008-04-21T08:35:00.002-05:00

I finally got my appointment moved up with the "super" neurologist. It was originally scheduled for the end of June but they moved me up to June 5th. The nurse told me that the Dr. is on vacation for 2 weeks and is more booked than she has been in a really long time. I just laughed and told her that I'm not surprised. She did say that they would call if there were any cancellations.

I'm off today to go to my follow up with my neurologist in Springfield. I'm somewhat nervous to see him. Hopefully he won't try to stick a needle in my back today!

paging Dr. House

2008-04-14T20:45:00.004-05:00

I am a big fan of the TV show House. It wasn't until the second season that I discovered and I was instantly hooked. Since the end of last summer I have been wishing that there was a "real" Dr. House practicing somewhere. Throughout my life I have been a fairly healthy person. There is never anything majorly wrong with me. However from time to time I end come up with some "strange" abnormality. One example that sticks out is when I was in college and lived with my good friends, Kimberly and Sheri. One morning I woke up and I could not move one of my thumbs. It eventually went away, but it was difficult to do much of anything while it "wasn't working." Sometime around the end of last August I noticed something different. The vision in my left eye was a little blurry. I called and made an appointment with my eye Dr. I have reading glasses that I use on the rare occasion, but otherwise my eyes are healthy. After an eye exam I was told that I had a swollen optic nerve. The next step was to see an eye specialist. He saw me and ordered and MRI and set me up with a neurologist. I really didn't know what to think about all of it.

The day of my 27th birthday my mom went with me to the first appointment with my neurologist. He is a wonderful man who actually comes out to the waiting room to get you. His philosophy is that if you need to see a neurologist then you do not need to see a nurse first. He does an exam and discusses the results of the MRI with me, perfectly normal. He goes over a few things that could be causing the swelling. Next, he tells me what I had dreaded, he wants to do a lumbar puncture that day. I'm pretty sure that my mouth dropped open. I kind of laughed and said, "but it's my birthday." Clearly he didn't care. I was not at all prepared for this and I was really glad that my mom came with me on that day. He goes out into the hallway and lets then nurses know that they need to prepare to do this. I really didn't have time to think about what he was about to do. I remember over hearing him say that "this is kind of an emergency." I'm not sure why he put it that way, but it was pretty scary at the time. Next thing I knew I was in the next room in a gown laying on my side. It was over before I knew it and truthfully it was not that bad. I'm glad I didn't have time to dwell on it. The worse was yet to come.

Once that was over the nurse worked on trying to put an iv in me so they could start me on steroids. That was horrible. I was so cold and my veins were not cooperating. At one point she was semi-straddling me and I was laugh/crying. She finally got it in and started the dreaded steroids. After the allotted time I was permitted to head home. Like I mentioned before it was my birthday. I had a few visitors and tried really hard to lay flat. Looking back I wish I would not have moved at all. For the next few days I had to go to the local hospital for more IV steroids. The port that they left in was horrible to work around. They had to put in the bend of my arm and it really hurt. I do not really remember when the headache started, I just know it was there. Apparently the tiny hole that was made by the lumbar needle did not heal over and my spinal fluid was leaking causing the worst headache one could ever have. As long as I laid down I was not in pain. It was miserable. I was so tired of watching TV. There are only so many things one can do while lying flat on their back. Three minutes was all it took for me to feel the pain. The Dr. kept telling me that I should just drink caffeine and rest. I laughed and said I can't do anything but rest. Finally, after what seemed like a month, (maybe a little over a week after my LP) I was scheduled for a blood patch at my local hospital. That is a story in itself that I will not bore you with right now. It was like an immediate relief. I wanted to hug the guy.

So, what did we learn from all the test/pain/misery/Dr. bills? NOTHING. They ruled out a few things but had no explanation for why my optic nerve was swollen and there was vision loss. I was scheduled for follow up visits for 6 months to see what it looked like then.

Fast forward to last week. I went to see my eye specialist. He looked over the results of my visual field test I had done the Friday the week of my D&C (what a fun week). For about 5 minutes he literally did not say a word. He only muttered a few, "huhs". Finally he looked up and said that the visual field test was worse and that he was concerned. He did an exam and confirmed that my optic nerve was in fact still swollen. He said that after 6 months the swelling would have gone down if it was some sort of infection causing it. He went on to say that he was concerned enough that he wanted refer me to a Neuro-Optomologist. He said that he did not have any answers for me as to why it was still like this. I just sat there and did not know what to say. The nurse said that she would have to call me with an appointment. I spoke with her today and I'm scheduled for some time in June. She said that she was waiting to speak with my eye specialist to see if that was okay with him to wait. If not he will have to personally call the, "super" neurologist as I have been calling her, and try to get me worked in sooner. I am scheduled to see my "regular" neurologist this coming Monday.

I really do not know what to think about all of this. When I started this post I didn't expect to go into such detail. I suppose I just needed to get some of my story out there. Part of me wonders if the reason I lost our baby was that my body is not able to care for 2 lives at this time. Perhaps not. I do not know the reason for the loss and I may never know it. God knows and that is all that matters. My mind has been very busy lately thinking and feeling sorry for myself. It is difficult to be hurting both physically and emotionally. I suppose my eye is not causing physical pain other than the annoyance of the blurred vision and headache but it is still physical. I try to stay positive and most days I do just fine. I have been greatly encouraged by those around me and I thank each and every one of you. I would just ask that if you feel so inclined to pray for me, please pray for guidance for my Dr.'s, so that maybe we can have some answers. Maybe there will not be any. Maybe this is just the way my vision will be. I don't know. For now I will just try to be patient and wait for the nurse to get back with me about my appointment. Perhaps I can catch a rerun of House to keep me entertained. I'm pretty sure that if I did see him he would confirm that, "It's not Lupus." (Sorry, I could not resist a House quote.)

Thanks for "listening".--Jess

happy 90th, err 89th, birthday

2008-04-08T20:39:00.003-05:00

Tonight my family and I went out to my great Uncle Butch's farm for his birthday. My grandma had told us that it was his 90th birthday so we thought that we should celebrate the milestone with him. We got out there and we shortly discovered that it is in fact his 89th birthday. Grandma thought her brother was 10 years older than her. Oops. We had a good laugh about it and enjoyed some good food. It is always good to get together with our family. I told Butch that I wanted to get back out when the weather was a little more agreeable to take some pictures around the farm. He said that he wanted me to take some pictures of the barn, especially the inside. It is from the 1800s and has a lot of character. I told him that I would be glad to try to get some pictures of it.

in the dirt

2008-04-07T20:09:00.007-05:00

Like many others I have been wishing for warmer weather since about the middle of January. This weekend it finally came. I was able to get outside with the D40 and take some pictures. Once again the neighbors get to enjoy watching me lay in the grass or climb a tree to get an up close an personal shot of nature. Barbie is usually outside with me while I'm playing. She too enjoys laying in the warm grass.

Sunday, Tommy and I decided that we need to work on the front yard. It seemed like a much more doable task to just focus on one part of the yard. He manned the raking and mowing and I worked in my flower bed. It is always excited to pull away all the dead foliage and see the green underneath. My spring perennials are almost in bloom and that makes me really happy. Tulips are one of my favorite flowers. I also tackled the yucca plants that were here when I bought the house. I hate yuccas. If you are thinking about planting them, make sure that you want them around FOREVER. They will not die. No matter how far down I dig or how much weed killer I put on them they always come back. I cut them down and dug the suckers up. At least for now my flower garden is yucca free. I had Tommy run and get me some dirt to fill in some holes in the back of the garden. While digging up the yuccas we discovered a bunch of bricks, thus leaving holes. I covered the dirt with some mulch and now my garden looks so much better. There is more to be done but I will leave that for another weekend. I am pretty sore today and actually have a little bit of a sunburn. I guess I should have listened to Tommy when he told me to put on sunscreen.

I enjoy gardening which is something that I learned from my parents. My dad always planted a very large garden when I was younger. His garden is not as big now as it used to be but it is still bigger than mine. My mom has a rather large perennial flower garden. I have a lot to learn to be at their level of gardening but I still enjoy it. It is rewarding to make a dinner that mainly consists of veggies that you grew. I look forward to seeing who has the first tomato this year, my dad or me. Last year it was me, but who's keeping track? I would not say that I have the greenest thumb, but I like to pretend that I know what I am doing. For know I would say that my thumb is a light shade of green, maybe lime.

*Tommy took this picutre of me. If you look real close my eyes are closed but I still kind of like it.*

yummy new beads

2008-04-02T20:51:00.003-05:00

Hi. My name is Jessica and I'm a beadaholic. I have long been obsessed with crafting. My grandmother is the person who I can give credit to for my craftiness. She taught me to embroider, something that I still enjoy. My love for making jewelry did not start until a few years ago. I decided that I wanted to make the jewelry for my wedding. Tommy and I were at an antique store and he found a necklace that he liked. We bought it and I restrung it and also made a matching pair of earrings. You can get an idea of it here. It all went downhill from there. I was hooked. Anytime I was at a store that sold beads I had to see what they had. I started to build up my stock pile. My mom told me about a craft bizarre her office was having. I started to make things for other people and they liked them! It is so rewarding for me. It is also a creative outlet for me. I tend to leave things laying around, but Tommy has gotten used to that. He has informed me on several occasions though that when we have a baby I will have to keep my beads picked up. Last summer my wonderful mom helped me to paint my front porch to make it into my "studio". I love having a space to keep all my supplies. I even got a label maker for my birthday to help me to get organized. Kimberly helped me to add to the growing supply when she went with me to the Bead and Button Show last year. Wow, talk about sensory overload. It was so much fun though.

Tonight I had two high school girls come over with their prom dresses in tow. I am designing jewelry for them. It is exciting to have enough of a stock pile so that my "client" can see what catches her eye. I love working with people to come up with something that they love. I can't wait to start working on them. Last weekend I got my newest issue of Bead Style in the mail. I sat down and poured over all the pretty designs. One of the features is all about green beading. I was very excited to see links to sites that sell various green beads. I really liked what Happy Mango Beads had to offer. The picture above is what I got in the mail today. They are so pretty. Now I just need to force myself to stop being lazy and get some things done. My mom's office is having another bizarre on May 1st. I need to get busy!

NWTF

2008-03-30T18:13:00.002-05:00

I'm sure you are thinking, "What in the world does NWTF stand for?" I was not really that sure until this weekend. Sometime last week Tommy asked me if I wanted to go to the turkey banquet on Saturday. My gut response was, "no" but I said I would think about it. I called and talked to my sister in law Mindi. She is on the committee and had all the details. My parents were going and taking my niece with them. I finally decided that it might be good to get out of the house and do something different. It was an all evening event that included raffles, a silent auction, door prizes, a live auction and of course food. I was actually shocked by the number of people there. I would guess there were close to 200 in attendance. It cost $60 to get in the door. That covered food, drinks (soda for me thanks), a few door prizes, membership, and I think a magazine. Right away we "had" to spend another $120 on an envelope of tickets for the raffles. This was the first time either of us had been there so we followed my dad's lead. I later realized that my mom didn't know that my dad had also spent money on the extra envelope. I got a good laugh out of that one.

There were lots of kids there as well. The NWTF is a big supporter of youth. They have a membership for kids called "Jakes". There were drawings for the kids. My niece Clara, who just turned 1 last week, won the drawing for a gun. I know she will learn how to hunt as soon as she is old enough. After we ate, they did the live auction. There was something like 35 items. There were a lot of paintings. Once the live auction was over they did the raffle items. They start off with the "bonus" items or the larger ticket items. The second number they drew was ours. I couldn't believe it. That meant that Tommy had second choice out of something like 6 guns. Woohoo. He knew exactly which gun he wanted. I was glad because that meant that we won a gun worth over $400 for the $180 we had spent on tickets. Totally worth the evening out. Also, this means that hopefully he will be happy for a while now that he has 3 guns. It is worse than women with shoes. Hunters can never have enough guns. I will never understand. The drawings continued and we won a cooler on wheels and a NWTF knife/multi tool knife set. It is actually pretty cool looking because it is a metallic orange. My parents came away with a tackle box and a folding table thing. All in all, it was a good evening. We didn't get out of there until after 10. Will I go again next year? Maybe. Now we get to look forward to Thursday when we can go pick up the gun at the local gun shop. Darn wait period...

Why did I write about this? I guess I have always kind of turned my nose up at these kinds of things. I grew up in a house of hunters but never got into it myself. I married a hunter and I still do not like it. I'm not against it or anything. Matter of fact I fixed a deer roast for dinner tonight. I just can't stand to watch hunting shows and I get really bored when we are shopping for sporting goods. I'm glad though that I stepped out of my comfort zone for an evening and shared something with my family that they really enjoy. I guess I need to be more open minded about things at times and this was a good lesson in that.

my furry best friend

2008-03-27T20:32:00.001-05:00

This is the face that I wake up to most mornings. Tommy heads out the door before 1:30 am. Once he leaves Barbie always wants to snuggle even closer to me. That generally means that I get to share my pillow. I have never been too keen on sharing my pillow with anyone. Even now if Tommy is laying on "my" pillow I take it from him. I don't know why but I don't mind sharing with her. Sorry, Tommy. Once in a while she will take up so much room that I try to move her. I usually get a good growl out of her letting me know that she is not too happy with the move. Her other favorite spot to sleep is under the covers. She will burrow her way down to the bottom of the bed and lay right next to our legs. I never thought I would be one of "those" people who let their dog sleep with them. Funny how things change. The truth is that when she isn't there I kind of miss her. I have really appreciated her company the past two weeks. She doesn't understand why I'm crying but she seems to know that she needs to comfort me. I have spent a lot of time just holding her. Matter of fact, as I type this she is in my lap...

life, angel, hope

2008-03-26T19:18:00.005-05:00

Here is a not so good picture of the bracelet I made for myself yesterday. While searching for something to help me to cope I kept running across different "memorial" items. I saw some bracelets similar to this one and immediately pulled up my favorite bead website and ordered what I needed to make one for myself. I tweaked the design to fit my style. The beads and crystals represent the journey that I had with my pregnancy. The first bead represents December the month that we created "life". The second bead represents March the month our baby became an "angel". The last bead stands for September the month that we "hoped" to complete our family. I am very pleased with the way it turned out. I love how simple it is. I have made so many "name" bracelets for different moms in the past year. This is a different twist on a "mom" bracelet. It is a little daily reminder of the time I was blessed with to carry my child.

thank you

2008-03-24T20:49:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to say "thank you" to everyone for the continued support. I have appreciated all of the thoughts, prayers, emails, cards, phone calls, blog comments, etc. It means so much that there are so many people out there who care. Even to the people who have never met me, aka friends of Kimberly. Thank you to each and every one of you. I appreciate everything.

in the mail

2008-03-24T20:26:00.003-05:00

I hope that everyone had a nice Easter weekend. Our family did. We celebrated our niece Clara's 1st birthday on Saturday. Sunday we spent at my grandparents and ate tons of yummy food. I only had a few emotional breakdowns so that was good. I went back to work last Thursday and then I had Friday off. It was not too bad going back to work, but I was thankful to have a three day weekend. Physically I have had my ups and downs. I ended up back at my Dr. on Wednesday. My stomach was really bothering me. I called my Dr. to see what they thought. The nurse called me back and said my Dr. wanted to see me. Luckily my sister in law was able to drive me there. Thanks, Mindi! After an exam my Dr. said that everything looked okay after my surgery. She pressed on my stomach, which really hurt, and said that she wanted to have some labwork done. She also ordered an ultrasound of my gallbladder and liver. After all that the results came back normal. I'm thinking that I was unlucky enough to catch some type of virus with everything else that I was going through. Seriously, could one more thing be wrong? Friday, on my day off, I decided to do a little shopping. I found a few things. Then I had an eye appointment for a visual field test. My vision saga is something that I have not written about on here yet. I'll save that fun time for another day. ha. I am anxious to feel better physically so that I can try to focus on healing mentally.

Today I got some things in the mail that made me smile. I ordered a book last week from Amazon that appealed to me. Hopefully there will be something in it that helps me to get through this. I also got some new beads that I ordered. Now I just need some motivation to create some exciting new pieces. Another thing to smile about today is that my hubby is back on day shift for 4 weeks. Of course he falls asleep before 7 every night and is out of the house before 1:30 every morning, but at least he is physically here. It makes the evenings much more bearable. I have rambled on enough for now. Thanks for "listening".