9/26/08

shingles and such

Wow, it has been a long time since I last posted. Things have been a little more busy around here than normal. At the end of the day I have not had the energy to put into blogging.

Tommy and I went to Springfield, MO a few weekends ago. I wanted to be out of town for my "due date". We had a really good time just being together. While we were there we did some shopping and ate some good food. Tommy got to experience the Bass Pro Shops store for the first time. We manage to go there twice. It was so nice to be out of town and have my mind on things other than the fact that we were not getting to meet our little one face to face. When we got home that Sunday I told Tommy that I wasn't as emotional as I thought I would be. He just smiled and said I guess the trip worked then didn't it. Yes it did.

Last weekend my dad, our neighbor, Tommy, Jimmy and my brothers put a new roof on our house. That was a project that was long overdue. From day one of moving in here my dad, and our neighbor, said that the house needed a new roof. I was so nervous all weekend worried about rain. They worked all weekend long on it and the results are wonderful. Yesterday the truck full of shingles got taken to the dump. There are still a ton of small pieces in the driveway to be picked up. We'll get to them eventually. Our house looks so much better. I really didn't like the color of the old roof. I never even paid attention shingles before now. As I drive around now I find myself checking out the condition of other roofs in town. Yes, I lead an exciting life.

I must say that emotionally I'm doing much better than I have been in the last few months. I think that the chaos of everyday life has helped with that. For now we are just doing our best to stay positive. I think that Tommy and I have grown so much closer as a couple through the experience of losing a baby. I'm glad to have him by my side. I can't imagine having anyone else there...

9/4/08

28 short years ago

I showed this picture to Tommy this morning and he asked who took it. I told him I didn't know, but asked if he knew who it was. He studied it for a moment and said, "Well, I guess your mom but it really looks like you." I've been told that many times.

Twenty eight years ago at 6:45 p.m. I came into this world. I was even born on a Thursday. My mom looks so happy here finally able to hold her first born. Wow. What a feeling I'm sure. I look like I'm taking it all in with my little hand under my chin.

Today I have thought a lot about being a mom and the privilege it really is. I know how much I have grieved over the loss of our baby and how badly we want to be parents. It makes me appreciate my parents even more. Without their love and willingness to bring me into this world I would not be the person I am today. I am a better person because of them. My mom is always there for me. She was there for me last year on my birthday when my Dr. decided that he needed to do a lumbar puncture on me right then. She was also there for me on the darkest day, the day I found out there was no longer a heartbeat inside of me. My dad is always there as well, he is just much more quiet about his ways. If something goes wrong around the house I often don't turn to Tommy I want to know what dad thinks. I think this sometimes annoys Tommy. It's difficult to stop that habit though because my father is one of those guys who can fix everything. I'm lucky to have parents that have stayed together through it all and raised my brothers and I in a loving home. Thank you mom and dad for everything...

On another note, I now have the honor of sharing my birthday with my new niece. Tommy's sister had her this morning by C-section. He talked with her it sounds like everyone is doing great. I have even see a picture of her thanks to the technology of picture messaging! She is tiny any beautiful. We will be able to meet her in a few weeks. While I'm excited for their family, I also cried for about 15 minutes after he hung up the phone because I was sad. I have a feeling those "crying" moments are going to come and go as the next week gets here. I will push through and come out on top.

9/2/08

feather pillows

I finally made reservations for our "getaway" next weekend. I found a hotel that I was happy with and was going to book online. As I read through the website I noticed they were proud to offer down pillows. The only downfall of the place so far. I decided to call the hotel directly to book. Ashleigh was very nice and didn't laugh at me when I told her I need a pillow that was feather free. She said, "You mean like foam?" Yes, that would be great. Anything but feathers. I always take my own pillow, but just being around the other feather pillows is usually enough to set my allergies off and make me miserable. I do not want a repeat of our trip to Vegas last year. I had a really hard time enjoying myself all drugged up on allergy meds. Now that we have a place to sleep I can finally look forward to our weekend away! It is going to be a weekend for us to spend some much needed quality time together. We plan to visit the "original" Bass Pro store, eat, sleep, swim, shop and sleep some more. I think it will be good for us to spend some time away from home to regroup.

Next Friday is/was my due date. So hard to believe that I would be so close to holding my little one. I look back on the past several months and I really feel like the time has went by quickly. I'm doing better day by day. Everyone said I would. Most days I didn't believe them. I do not know what the future holds for us and I am trying hard to come to terms with that. We have started to talk about "what if" we are not going to have a baby. Now, I realize how this sounds, but it is a feeling that I have had most of my life. When I was younger I did not know if I ever wanted children. It was not until I met and fell in love with Tommy that I was 100% sure that I wanted children. Now the desire to be a mother often consumes my daily thoughts. Funny how life works? Like I have said before, I do not know what God has planned for us. I continue to have faith and know that His plans are perfect and in His time it will all work out, one way or another.

I want to take an opportunity to thank everyone who has been there for me throughout these past months. Your kind words both written and spoken have carried me through the dark days. No words can express the love I have felt from everyone. Some I have never even met face to face. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.